What You Say, What People Hear

Communication between partners often gets confusing, and there is a very good reason for this. Most of the time, the words we use have far less impact than the energy behind the words. Therefore, what you say is often not what the other person hears.

The energy behind a communication is determined by our INTENTION. In much of the communication between partners, there are two different intentions that can motivate any given communication: we are often either intent upon controlling the other person, or intent upon learning about ourselves and our partner. The difference in energy between these two intentions is what frequently creates the confusion in communication.

For example, in one of my phone counseling sessions with Joshua, he complained about the fact that his wife, Joan, often gets upset with him over seemingly minor issues. A recent conflict had occurred over a book she was reading. He had asked her why she was reading that particular book, and she had responded to him with irritation.

oshua,?I asked, hy were you asking her about the book??

 was just curious.?

o deeper,?I said. as there anything about the book that was threatening to you??

ell?yeah. It was a book about women and codependency.?

nd what was threatening to you??

 afraid of Joan pulling away from me.?

o, which intent do you think was operating at that moment - the intent to control her or the intent to learn about yourself and her??

 guess to be honest, I have to say that I was wanting to control. When I think back on it, I think my tone of voice may have been blaming. Joan always tells me that she hates how much I try to control her, and I always think she is wrong about that. But I think I was trying to control her.?

nd she responded to your intent to control with irritation, which is what is happening frequently in your relationship, right??

ight. So what would I have said if I was open to learning??

t not so much the words as it is the energy behind the words. The energy behind the words, hy are you reading that book??is totally different when the intent is to control than when the intent is to learn. The same words can be said with a blaming, shaming edge, or with real caring and curiosity. It is your intent that determines the energy behind the words. Joan was not responding to the words themselves, but to the blaming and shaming behind the words. This is what is causing the confusion for you regarding your communication with her. The exact same words can communicate two totally different things, depending upon the intent. And the chances are that if you had not felt threatened by the book, you might not have even questioned her about why she was reading it.?

es, I can see where that is probably true. Okay, I got it. Ie been trying to control her and that is what she is responding to, not to the words Ie been using.?

Joshua started to notice his intent. Every time Joan got irritated or distant from him, he noticed that his intent was to control. It was a big challenge to shift out of trying to control her, since he had been doing this most of his life in all his relationships, but Joshua was very motivated to change. He knew that if he didn, he ran the risk of losing his marriage. He started to focus on taking loving care of himself and his own feelings instead of trying to change Joan.

As Joshua became more aware of his intent, he was able to consciously shift his intent from controlling to learning about taking care of himself. As his intent shifted, the energy of his communications with Joan shifted, and their relationship greatly improved. Joshua was thrilled with the deeper understanding and intimacy that was growing between them.

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Working with Difficult People: 3 Questions to Help You Turn Your Tormentors into Teachers

When faced with the prospect of meeting with a confrontational employee, the project manager of a New Hampshire insurance company heaved a sigh. Not again, he thought to himself. Every conversation with this guy is a struggle.

He decided to use the meeting as an opportunity to shift perspective and try a new approach. He began by imagining that the employee had good intentions but was a bit rough around the edges. He considered that maybe if he aligned with the employee, he might be better able to direct him. First, he arranged the office chairs so that instead of face to face, they were at oblique angles and generally facing the same direction. Then he took a few deep breaths and opened the door.

The employee began by stating with intensity all that was going wrong with the project. The manager initial reaction was to resist the attack, but he refocused his attention on listening and understanding and sat quietly for a while. Instead of coming back with answers or a rebuttal, he found himself asking the employee what he thought the real nature of the problem was and what actions he would suggest to solve it. The confrontational atmosphere diffused and gave way to a sense of collaboration. The two were aligned physically in their chairs and now conceptually in the way they approached the problem. The change the manager made in himself turned out to be very effective, and both manager and employee began to work on solving the issues facing the project.

From Tormentor to Teacher

It hard to like everyone. Some colleagues are great partners; we know their style and blend easily with them. We "dance well together." With others we always seem to be out of step. We wonder, How can they be that way? or What makes them tick? Or worse ?we don care; we just want to be as far away as possible.

The problem is we still have to work with these people, and our reactivity in their presence gives them a kind of power over us. However, by seeking to understand the opponent, we take the initiative. At worst, we learn something. At best, we may turn them into an ally and improve the quality of the work environment.

But how do you turn a tormentor into a teacher? Begin by asking yourself some questions about who they are and why they behave the way they do.

?b>Who is this person away from the workplace? See the different parts of this person ?the parent, grandparent, friend, dancer, skier, singer, or loved one (of someone!). Chances are youe only seeing the annoying part of your tormentor. Widen your perspective.

?b>What is their positive intention? Underneath the disrespectful behavior, what do they really want? Respect? Independence? Control? Acknowledgement? Attention? You may realize that you have similar goals, though you seek them differently.

?b>Why do you think they behave as they do? It useful to adopt the attitude that their actions have little (if anything) to do with you. Most people operate out of habit. Even if they don get the respect or attention they desire, they can change because they don know any other way. Maybe it falls to you to help them find it. Suggest ways they might achieve their aims more effectively. Be their teacher.

True Power

As you read this article, think of someone with whom your "dance" feels like a struggle. Then, instead of wishing they would change, start with yourself. It doesn't mean you're wrong, at fault, or need to change your opinion. It means that in order to resolve the conflict it works better to begin with what you can control ?you.

Remember that youe doing this for you. You're stuck and you want to get unstuck. Like your tormentor, you've been taking actions that aren working, so try something new. When your well-being depends upon the actions of others, you inadvertently give them power. But with awareness and practice, you can make new choices about how you respond to the difficult people and situations in your life ?and take the power back.

Our project manager and his employee will have more opportunities to dance with conflict as their relationship changes and grows. Thanks to the manager willingness to try something new, theye discovered common ground from which to begin the process. We all have challenging people in our lives. Will they be tormentors or teachers? Our perspective greatly influences our response.

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Why does love drive people crazy

If you talk to two persons - one who has never felt love, and other who is deeply in love, you will find them talking in a very different way. If you ask a person who has never loved about what he/she felt about the other's talk, the answer will be- crazy!

Is it true? Does love drive one to madness? It may not be madness as understood by psychiatrists, but a madness of emotions. Is that right? Why does love do that? To understand this, we have to explore more about love or romance. Is it friendship? Is it physical attraction? is it just liking for each other? What is love and what is this relationship all about? Love combines all these and goes much beyond in bonding. Lovers are bonded to each other emotionally and totally. A lover cannot imagine of a life without his/her beloved. A lover will suffer like a fish suffers without water, if he/she is separated from the beloved. Love becomes the whole life. Love gives life. Love becomes the reason of life. Life begins and ends with love. That is love. And that's why people call love mad!

How and why a lover feels like this for one's beloved is beyond any logical explanation. There is no arithmetic sum that can decide this. It is all emotional. And the emotions are so overwhelming that they engulf the whole personality. Why does a flower look lovely to all of us? Why are we attracted by the sight of a beautiful sunset? Why do we love to walk on the beach? Do we know? Can we answer these questions? Our only answer may be that- I feel happy doing it. A lover feels happy, rather so happy in love that it cannot be compared with any other happiness. One forgets one's pains, one's pleasures and one's existence when in love.

Fall in love if you still haven't and feel the madness. You will get a clue to why true lovers are called mad.

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What to Do When People Don't Like You

Have you been trying hard to make friends with no good results to show for all of your efforts?

If it seems that you have been trying hard to make friends, but that other people still don want to be your friend, you may have come to the conclusion that there something wrong with you. That maybe you are basically unlikeable.

Many of us go through such torment of self doubt, especially during our teenage years, when teens are often the victims of vicious bullying from their peers for no reason at all.

If you feel as if the people you are trying to befriend don like you, the first thing you must do is to ask yourself: Do you have any real evidence that others don like you?

Or are you just imagining the worst because you are always very harsh with yourself?

People who have low self-esteem, or who are suffering from depression, are often convinced that others don like them, even when there is no evidence for their negative belief. People who have a poor self image can be surrounded by others who like them, care about them, and enjoy their company; yet because these people don believe they are worthy of being liked, they are convinced that no one else likes them either.

So, if you are feeling as if nobody likes you, try to find out if there is some real evidence that others don like you, or whether you are just being very negative in your opinion of yourself.

On the other hand, there are times when it not just your imagination that others don like you. It might be really true that most of the people you meet are consistently rejecting you, even when you make social overtures and try to be as friendly to them as possible.

There are many reasons this can happen.

You may have moved to a society where the people are very tight knit with each other, and they don open up to newcomers easily.

You might be surrounded by people who automatically dislike people of your particular religion, ethnic background, sexual orientation, skin color, or bodily appearance.

You may be surrounded by people who reject you because the clothes you wear are not the latest and most expensive fashion.

In high school years in particular, many teens are strongly conformist, and can be very cruel to those who seem to be different from the norm. Sadly, some people never grow out of the stage of judging others for trivial and superficial reasons.

If you are really are being rejected by others, it is important that you don make the situation worse by attacking yourself.

This will only make you feel worse, and will make you lose confidence in approaching new people in the future.

Saying negative things to yourself could start you on a downward spiral of self-doubt and self-hatred. Or you might turn your anger outwards in a spirit of bitterness and revenge towards other people. This is not a solution that will win you friends or peace of mind.

It also important to take a good, hard look at yourself and the way that you interact with other people. There may be specific behaviors that are causing others to dislike you, and these are behaviors which you can change.

Ask yourself the questions on this checklist. If it looks as if any of these behaviors are a problem for you, it very likely that if you change this behavior, that other people will like you better.

1. Are you always very negative and complaining all the time? Most people find this habit very annoying.

2. Do you actively participate in conversations with others? Or do you hold back and let other people do all the work in making conversation. If so, learn to improve your conversational skills so that talking with you is an experience that others look forward to.

3. Do you endlessly talk about yourself and show little interest in the people you are talking with? Other people will become bored with you very quickly if you seem only interested in yourself.

4. Do you try too hard to please others, always agreeing with everything that they say, and never having any opinions of your own? People won respect you if you don respect yourself.

5. Do you often say things that hurt the feelings of others and then say it was just a joke? Do you say mean things behind other people backs? No one will trust you if they think that you are basically an unkind person.

If you want to make other people your friends, it very important that you don give up on trying. Keep approaching people, keep trying to make conversation. Get rid of your bad social habits if they are getting in the way of friendship.

If you are being given the cold shoulder by many of the people you encounter, particularly in your school or workplace, keep looking elsewhere for people you can confide in and befriend. You can try in your church, in your community, and in your own family.

Work on developing the talents and good qualities within yourself so that you can appeal in a new way to other people with whom you will have more in common. Continue to actively search out other people who will like you and accept you.

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Why Do People Lie?

Amanda and Ron had been married for six years and had two small children. I had counseled them during some difficult times in their marriage, but had not heard from them for a while. Then Amanda scheduled an emergency phone session with me. She was very upset.

 just found out that Ron been watching porno on the Internet and lying to me about it. I had thought this was going on a couple of weeks ago because of a site I found on the computer, but when I asked him about it, he denied it and explained it away. He is not too computer savvy ?he doesn know how to delete the sites - and today I found a number of sites he has visited. I can believe this! I very upset about the porno, but I devastated that he lied to me! I feel like the trust has gone out of our marriage, and without trust, what do we have? Why did he lie to me??
manda, how would you have responded if he had told you the truth??
 would have been really upset and disappointed in him. I probably would have gotten angry. We have a good sex life, so why is he using porno??
ell, he lied to you because he knew that this is the way you would have reacted. His lying is his way of controlling your reactions, and your anger is your way of controlling his behavior. As long as you get angry when you hear the truth, the chances are he will lie to you. As your children get older, they, too, will lie to you to avoid your anger and judgment. It takes a very strong person to tell the truth and deal with another anger and judgment, and Ron is not that strong. He is very afraid of your anger and judgment and will do anything to avoid it, including lying.?
re you saying it okay for him to lie to me??
o, I not saying it okay or not okay. I not making a value judgment about it. You asked why he lying and I telling you why. Lying is just another form of protection against pain, just as your anger is a form of protection against pain.?
o what do I do? How do I deal with this??
manda, you need to shift your intention from trying to control him to being open to learning about what is behind his behavior. From his point of view, there are some important reasons why he is using porno, and why he is lying about it. Trying to control him will only result in more lying and resistance, but wanting to learn can result in understanding and resolution. You need to approach him with caring and a desire to learn rather than with anger and judgment ?about both the porno and the lying. You would need to say something like, on, I know that you have been going to porno sites on the Internet. Please don lie about it anymore. I know there must be some good reasons you are doing this and I really want to understand what it about for you.?However, you have to be aware that the words themselves are less important than the intent behind them. If you say these same words with anger and judgment, he will be defensive. Don ask until you feel genuinely open and caring.?
Lying is always a form of control. Some people are pathological liars, having learned that they get a rush from manipulating others with lies. But most people lie when they are afraid of the consequences of telling the truth. Lying may be one end of a relationship system, with anger and judgment on the other end. Whether the relationship is a primary one between mates or between parents and children, or a relationship between friends or between co-workers, lying may be a part of it when fear of anger and judgment is an issue. Most people do not know how to handle another anger and judgment and may revert to being the child they were when they learned to lie to their parents to avoid punishment.

If you want to trust that people are not going to lie to you, then you need to shift your intention in your relationships from controlling to learning.

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What to Do When Your Spouse or Your Friends are Negative?

This year (2004), I've completed over 64 seminars. And one of the most common questions asked is, "What do I do when my spouse, partner or friend is being negative?"

As you practice Law of Attraction in your life, you become more aware of what you are attracting and start to understand that you can control what you attract with deliberate use of Law of Attraction. The more deliberate you become in controlling what you want to attract, the less and less tolerant you become of any situation that doesn't feel good---in particular, negative relationships in your life.
But what do you do when the person who is being negative is your partner, spouse or child? It's not likely you will just eliminate them from your life altogether. How can you deal with a situation that is contaminating your positive energy with negative energy?

First of all, I'd like you to remember that it takes two people to argue or fight and you always have a choice about what you choose to talk about. When you are with your mate, or friend or child and they are complaining about something they don't like or telling you how much their life isn't working in some respect, you always have two choices:

1) You can buy into their conversation, join it and thereby lower your vibration to match theirs; or

2) You can steer the conversation in a direction that creates change in the vibration

How do you steer a conversation into a more positive vibration? It's quite simple; just ask the question, "So what do you want?" That question may surprise them because they are not used to answering it. They may even have some resistance. But keep asking it. When they do answer, you'll soon hear their words change and see how the change of words always creates a change in their vibration. The best news of all is that a person can only hold one vibration at a time.

Yes, we all have negative people in our lives, but now you have a tool to use when you feel your positive energy becoming affected by anyone's negative energy. From now on, your experiences with negative people can be different!

Here's your assignment! Write the question, "So what do you want?" on post-it notes and put them by your phone, on your fridge and on your bathroom mirror. This is a powerful tool that delivers rapid change!

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Zigime - connecting people to the world.

Zigime can be an excellent way for friends and family members to stay in touch. Encouraging friends and family members to join zigime with you can help you to stay in better contact with these individuals. Communicating through zigime is a lot of fun and gives users the ability to post pictures, audio, video, jobs, events, mail, classifieds and barter in addition to personal information presented in a blog even on free accounts.

Visiting the ZigiMe websites of your friends, and can also help you to meet more interesting individuals on Zigime. Those who you already consider to be friends likely share some of your interests. Many internet users feel free to express their opinions online than they do in face to face meetings.They are more likely to be interested in attending your meeting if it takes place in a public location because they will feel more comfortable. Friends who have wonderful relationships through zigime may find their relationship falters when they actually meet in person.

ZigiMe can also be used to make business Networking. The search feature can be used to find others who share your business interests, dreams and goals. Zigime help you build your business by generating professional business leads and referral systems. ZigiMe provide barter services, you also create new business contacts and references. ZigiMe barter helps you find what you need and barter services!" News and advice for job seeker. Search your jobs in friend networking site. Search by Category, Experience, Keyword, and location.

My friends My World are a new way to organize showing my friends and overall users. The friends map on zigime.com is a feature offering powerful, user-friendly mapping technology to see where all of your friends are located around the world.

With the My Friends My World, you'll enjoy the following unique features:

Find your friends - By clicking on any country on the map, you'll be taken to their locations on the map. It shows male friends,female friends and both separately in the list box You can also click on any of the user to see which friend is where. Not only friends even all people who have joined in zigime.

* zigime is a worldwide friendship network.

* People can come an meet new friends or find old ones.

* Easy way to share digital photos, videos, jobs, events and music.

* users can create own custom profile.

*Design your own profile page with the background and colors you want using either CSS or the editor provided for you by zigime.

About Author:

Hybrid Nova is a company that specializes in providing social networking, business networking, entertainment, and services in a concerted effort to capitalize on the huge growth in this industry and continues to experience. We provide many excellent affordable and free services that are presented in an exciting environment for young professionals of all ages. On the forefront, it is Hybrid Nova dedication to the rapidly growing industry of online business networking that will propel us into a premier position as an industry leader. Whether it branding your business, seeking a new job or new employer, bartering services goods, organizing your office with the latest technology available, or simply making new friends and business contacts on the international level. Hybrid Nova has all the tools and user friendly functionally necessary for the needs of almost any business or individual.

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