Actions Of Love

Myrna, 38 and a successful physician, sought my help because she often felt inadequate. While she really valued herself as a doctor, she did not value herself in her important relationships with friends and family. In addition, she said she wanted to be in a loving relationship but she took no actions to meet available men.

In the course of our work together, it became apparent that Myrna rarely took loving action in her own behalf with her friends and family. For example, Jessica, one of Myrna friends, would often get angry and blame Myrna when Myrna was not available for dinner with Jessica. Myrna would feel guilty and responsible for Jessica feelings and meet her for dinner even when she was exhausted from work. Myrna would feel drained after these dinners and depressed for a few days after, never realizing it was because she had not taken loving care of herself.

Myrna realized that the reason she was afraid to be in a relationship was because she had no idea how to take care of herself around others. She was terrified of completely losing herself in an important relationship. She realized that if she could not speak up for herself with Jessica, how could she ever speak up and take loving action for herself with a man she was in love with? She realized that she would continue to feel lonely, anxious, inadequate and depressed until she learned to take loving action for herself.

Many people suffer daily from anxiety, depression, stress, and anger as well as from feelings of guilt, shame and inadequacy. The major cause of these feelings is a lack of loving action in their own behalf.

Loving actions fall into two categories: Loving actions for yourself and loving actions in relationship to others.

LOVING ACTIONS FOR YOURSELF

Loving actions for yourself are those actions that attend to your own needs. When you take loving action in your own behalf, you are letting yourself know that you matter, you are important, you count. When you fail to take loving action, you give yourself the message that you are not important, which leads to feelings of depression and inadequacy.

Loving actions for yourself might include:

* Eating nutritious foods, avoiding junk food and sugar, eating when hungry and stopping when full.
* Getting enough exercise.
* Keeping your work and home environments clean and organized.
* Getting enough sleep.
* Creating a balance between work and play. Making sure you have time to get your work done, as well as time to do nothing, reflect, learn, play and create.
* Creating a good support system of people who love and care about you.
* Being organized with your time, getting places on time, paying bills on time, and so on.
* Choosing to be compassionate with yourself rather than judgmental toward yourself.
* Creating a balance between time for yourself and time with others.
* Making sure you are physically safe by wearing a seat belt in a car, a helmet on a motorcycle, scooter, or bike, goggles when necessary, and so on.

LOVING ACTIONS IN RELATIONSHIP TO OTHERS

Loving actions in relationship to others might include:

* Being kind and compassionate toward others without compromising your own integrity or ignoring your own needs and feelings.
* Saying no when you mean no and yes when you mean yes, rather than giving yourself up and going along with something you don want to do, or automatically resisting what another wants from you.
* Taking care of your own needs instead of trying to change and control others. Accepting your lack of control over others and either accepting them as they are or not being around them.
* Speaking your truth about what is acceptable to you and what is unacceptable and then taking action for yourself based on your truth.
* Taking personal responsibility for your own feelings and needs, instead of being a victim and making others responsible for your feelings and needs.
* Creating a balance between giving and receiving, rather than a one-way street with another person.

As a result of learning to take better care of herself alone and with others, Myrna no longer felt depressed and inadequate. She gradually lost her fears of being in a relationship, and is delighted to be meeting available men.

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Why Is Love Important?

So often we spend most of our time taking care of our physical needs. We make sure our bodies are fed, cleaned, clothed, exercised and rested. We also make sure intellectual stimulation and entertainment is a priority. Yet we also overlook the most important need -- love.

Of course, as a society, love is not overlooked. Popular media constantly places great emphasis on what we need to do and how we should look to attract "love". But being loved is not as powerful an emotional need as that desire to love someone else.

The need to love and care for others is built into us biologically. This need is what allows parents to forgo sleep, food, and sanity while raising their children. This need is what allows people to put themselves at risk to save others from natural disasters and human threats. This need is what makes human society work on both a small and a large scale.

Loving others allows us to put the needs and desires of others before our own. We will work harder and longer, sometimes at jobs we loathe, to provide for those we love. We will tolerate otherwise intolerable conditions to provide care for our loved ones whether they are young or old.

Love means to cherish, hold dear, and treasure. We do not hurt, harm, or cause pain to those we love; rather, we seek to relieve their suffering. It is not about wanting people; it's about wanting people to be happy. It's not about wanting to possess or control others; it's about wanting to set them free.

John Oxenham described love this way: "Love ever gives. Forgives, outlives. And ever stands with open hands. And while it lives, it gives. For this are love's prerogatives - to give, and give, and give."

Love is the grease that allows the wheel of life to continue turning. For when we love we look beyond ourselves, beyond our needs and desires. We sacrifice our time, our energy, our wishes, and sometimes even ourselves because of love. Sometimes it is for an immediate person or group that we know intimately and love completely, but other times it is for a larger group of people that we don't really know or perhaps even like. It is love that allows law enforcement and emergency services personnel to face danger. It is love that allows soldiers to risk everything. Love makes heroes every day in every corner of the world. As Thomas ?Kempis said: "Love feels no burden, thinks nothing of trouble, attempts what is above its strength... It is therefore able to undertake all things, and it completes many things and warrants them to take effect, where he who does not love would faint and lie down."

The ultimate definition of love is not about feeling good but rather about doing good. A perfect example of love in action is Mother Teresa who worked so long and so hard on the behalf of others. However we see it all around us if we look for it. Robert Louis Stevenson said: "The essence of love is kindness."

Love is important because without it, life has no meaning or purpose. As Frank Tebbets says "A life without love in it is like a heap of ashes upon a deserted hearth, with the fire dead, the laughter stilled and the light extinguished." Love allows us to be more and do more than we could ever accomplish without its power.

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