Are Your Relationships Codependent?

One of the greatest benefits of having close friendships is that our friends can support and help us when things get rough in our lives.

In exchange for the support our friends give us during a crisis, most of us also help our friends when they need it.

In a relationship between two emotionally healthy adults, the roles of giving and receiving help are balanced. Both people offer help and receive help from each other in approximately equal amounts.

However, there are some people who always take on the role of being the helper, no matter what relationship they are in.

These people have friendships that focus exclusively on trying to solve the problems of their friends. We sometimes call this quality o-dependency? and we may label people who are obsessed with helping others o-dependent?

A person who is co-dependent will tend to have relationships with people who have a lot of problems ?emotional, social, familial and financial. The co-dependent person may spend much of their own time, money, and energy helping other people who have problems, while ignoring the problems in their own life.

Why would somebody be co-dependent?

A person who is co-dependent often suffers from a deep sense of worthlessness and anxiety, and tries to derive a sense of self-worth by helping or rescuing others. A person who is co-dependent may not know how to relax and feel comfortable in a friendship where both people are equals and the relationship is based on enjoying each other company.

Co-dependent people may even feel anxious if someone they have been helping gets their life in order and no longer wants their help. The co-dependent person may immediately look around for someone else they can ave?

If you frequently take on the role of helping the people who are your friends, how can you tell if you are acting out of genuine kindness and concern, or whether your behavior is in fact co-dependency? There aren really any hard and fast lines between the two.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself to see whether your elping?behavior may actually be co-dependency:


- Do you have a hard time saying no to others, even when you are very busy, financially broke, or completely exhausted?

- Are you always sacrificing your own needs for everyone else?

- Do you feel more worthy as a human being because you have taken on a helping role?

- If you stopped helping your friends, would you feel guilty or worthless?

- Would you know how to be in a friendship that doesn revolve around you being the elper?

- If your friends eventually didn need your help, would you still be friends with them? Or would you look around for someone else to help?

- Do you feel resentful when others are not grateful enough to you for your efforts at rescuing them or fixing their lives?

- Do you sometimes feel like more of a social worker than a friend in your relationships?

- Do you feel uncomfortable receiving help from other people? Is the role of helping others a much more natural role for you to play in your relationships?

- Does it seem as if many of your friends have particularly chaotic lives, with one crisis after another?

- Did you grow up in a family that had a lot of emotional chaos or addiction problems?

- Are many of your friends addicts, or do they have serious emotional and social problems?

- As you were growing up, did you think it was up to you to keep the family functioning?

- As an adult, is it important for you to be thought of as the ependable one?

If you answered es?to a lot of these questions, you may indeed have a problem with co-dependency.

This does not mean that you are a flawed person.

It means that you are spending a lot of energy on other people and very little on yourself.

If it seems that a lot of your friendships are based on co-dependent rescuing behaviors, rather than on mutual liking and respect between equals, you may wish to step back and rethink your role in relationships.

If you suspect that your helping behavior is a form of co-dependency, a good therapist or counselor can help you gain perspective on your actions and learn a more balanced way of relating to others.

There are many excellent books available on the subject of co-dependency. Support groups such as Al-Anon can also help.

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What Is Commitment in Relationships?

Copyright 2006 David Steele

The question of when a relationship is committed is a source of much confusion and debate. We live in a time when the marriage rate is going down, the co-habitation rate is going up, and the majority of first-born children are now born to unmarried parents.

In this article I hope to shed some light on this question to facilitate your work with couples and individuals challenged by different perceptions of the status of their relationships.

COMMITMENT VS. PROMISE

I recently had a conversation with a woman who told me she had just broken off a "committed" relationship. A few questions later I learned that she had been dating this person for a year, they were not living together, and the reason she broke it off is that he "cheated."

We talked about pre-committed vs. committed relationships, and she agreed that it was a pre-committed relationship, but insisted that they had made a "commitment" to each other.

OK, things are getting clearer. On the one hand is the status of the relationship- pre-committed vs. committed, and on the other hand are commitments made within the relationship. Macro vs. micro. Two different things, right?

In our conversation, it occurred to me to make a distinction between a "Commitment" vs. a "Promise." They made a promise to each other within the context of a relationship that was not committed. That distinction seemed to help her make more sense of things.

When I asked the RCI coaches for feedback on the "commitment vs. promise" distinction, most felt that it was just semantics and there is not much of a difference. The general consensus was that when you make a promise you are making a commitment.

Well, I agree that it is a question of semantics, and here is my definition of terms:

PROMISE: Verbally stated future intention to perform a specific act.

- I promise to pick up your dry cleaning and not forget this time - I promise to be exclusive in our relationship

COMMITMENT: Both a FACT demonstrated by behavior, and an ATTITUDE consisting of thoughts and beliefs.

- I am committed to keeping my promises - I am committed to our relationship

In short, a promise is something you say, and a commitment is something you do. A promise is situation-specific. A commitment is contextual.

A promise is a small commitment. If a potential partner doesn't keep promises, I would question their ability to keep commitments, as they are definitely related.

CONFUSION ABOUT COMMITMENT

Whether or not you agree with my semantics, the distinction I made between a commitment and a promise was helpful for the above conversation.

The larger picture though, is that I see a lot of confusion about the status of today's relationships. Some years ago when I coined the term "pre-commitment" to describe couples that were exclusive but not yet committed, it was a helpful distinction, but the question remains- "What is commitment?"

When you are married, it is clear you are in a committed relationship. Your commitment is a legal contract and a publicly witnessed FACT. However, it is common for couples in trouble for one or both partners to have an uncommitted ATTITUDE.

I have talked with many unmarried people, as the woman above, who have described themselves in "committed relationships." They clearly have the attitude, but often have nothing but verbal promises (and sometimes not even that!) to demonstrate that the relationship is committed.

IN MY OPINION, YOU ARE -NOT- IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP IF:

1. Your partner is not aware your relationship is committed

2. You are wondering if this relationship is committed

3. You and your partner have differences of opinion about the status of your relationship

4. Your family and friends have different perceptions about the status of your relationship

5. You and your partner have not acted to explicitly formalize your commitment in some way

6. You are relying on verbal promises without a significant track record of them being kept

A commitment is explicit and unambiguous. A commitment is a formal event of some kind between two people. A commitment is something you DO over time. A real commitment is usually legally enforceable and there are consequences for breaking it.

And, for a relationship to be truly committed, there are no exits- mentally, emotionally, or physically. When the going gets rough, you make it work.

CONTINUUM OF COMMITMENT

Commitment is not a light switch that goes from "off" to "on." When building a relationship with someone, the level of commitment gradually increases.

Then you have all the shades of gray. living together, dating exclusively for more than a year, even engaged to be married, that might look and feel like commitment, but is it really?

FACT VS. ATTITUDE

Commitment in a relationship is complicated in that it takes two people, and it requires an alignment of FACT (events, actions) and ATTITUDE (thoughts, beliefs) for both of them.

It is common to be committed in fact (e.g. "married") but not in attitude (e.g. "I'm not sure this is the right relationship for me").

It is also common to be pre-committed in fact (e.g. dating exclusively) and committed in attitude (e.g. "This is 'The One!' ").

In my work with couples I have found that the most important variable determining their future success is their level of commitment to the relationship.

In my experience, when couples are committed in fact, but not in attitude, their prognosis is poor.

Then, there are the pre-committed couples that generally fall into two categories-

UNCONSCIOUS- typically following the "mini-marriage" model of trying the relationship out, acting committed without actually making the commitment. A disconnect of fact and attitude.

CONSCIOUS- aware that they are not yet committed, usually have commitment as a goal, asking themselves "Is this the right relationship for me? Should I make a commitment?" An alignment of fact and attitude.

CONCLUSION

So, when is a relationship committed?

-- When there is an alignment of fact and attitude.

What creates the "fact" of commitment?

I propose these three criterion:

CRITERIA #1: Promises made to each other about the permanent nature of the relationship that are kept

CRITERIA #2: Explicit, formal, public declaration

CRITERIA #3: Unambiguous to partners and others

In today's world, if all three of the above are met, I would say it is a committed relationship, whether legally married or not.

I sincerely hope this article helps address the common questions about commitment that arise in relationship coaching. There are no pat answers or prescriptions, but it is my hope that these ideas and concepts will help you have productive conversations with your clients that are caught in the gray areas to support them to make effective relationship choices.

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Tips On How To Handle Abusive Relationships

A Relationship is a very valuable aspect in our life. It must be unique and something to be enjoyed by everyone. We all dream of having a very healthy relationship especially with our friends, family members and loved ones.

It is a relationship wherein we enjoy each others company. We do things together like watching a basketball game or sometimes with the company of some friends. We are honest about our feelings with each other. There is mutual respect and sincerity between the two of us. It means we pay attention to each others opinion or thoughts. Always trying to reach out to each other to strengthen the bonds of the relationship.

On the other hand, to have an unhealthy or abusive relationship is to experience the exact opposite when we are having a healthy relationship.

We usually feel bad about ourselves. We do not verbalize our feelings. We take each other for granted. It could be in the form of hurting the other person verbally, abusing the person physically, emotional abuse and sexual abuse. Sometimes, both of them will be violent or be abusive to each other.

There are situations wherein only one is abusive to the other. Most often, the abusive relationship does not happen immediately only after sometime. That will be the manifestation of the real self of the person you promised to live with.

If we are experiencing an abusive relationship, then how are we to get out from such relationship?

First and foremost, we need to talk to somebody we could trust, like for example our parents, a friend , guardian, counselor, teacher or a doctor. We should relate to them that we are having an unhealthy relationship and what the other person did so as to abuse us.

If we are afraid to tell our parents, then we should approach somebody whom we trust to help us in telling our parents, to the counselor, security of the school, and even the police about the abuse. And we will be able to escape such relationship.

In leaving an abusive relationship, sometimes it is too risky to do so. There is a necessity for us to make a plan for our safety so that everything will be done smoothly. It will surely not be difficult and safer if we will have a plan. These are the tips for our safety plan.

?Do not be ashamed to tell your situation to somebody you trust.

?Mention directly to the person abusing you that you do not want to see him or her in order that they will not be able to touch you. Do it when your guardian or parents are present.

?If you are injured, go for treatment from your doctor or the hospital.

?Record in a diary when the date of abuse happened.

?Contact should be avoided with the person.

?Do not walk alone. Be with your friends.

?In case of emergency, look for a safer place like the police station.

?Always bring your cellphone, phone cards and money.

?In case the person is following you, do not hesitate to call 911.

?Always have the domestic violence hotline numbers.

Most of the times, it would happen that the various abuses we mentioned are done inside our very own home, we feel bad about this kind of situation. In other words, our home can no longer guarantee our safety and security with the other members of the family. Sexual abuse is committed right at the doorstep of our home. Child abuse is also done when a person assigned to take care of the child fails to do so.

There are times when the child is physically hurt out of jealousy. And what ever happens, the parents and health caregivers must be prepared to protect and take care of the child.

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Top Ten List Of What To Do And What Not To Do In Relationships

Most of us who have been intimately involved with someone beyond the infatuation stage know that relationships are like a rollercoaster ride. When things are good, they are very, very good. When things are bad, they are very, very bad. As a relationship coach, I have developed Top 10 Lists---one for men and one for women on 10 things to do and not to do in relationships.

MEN

DO

1. Just listen to your partner without offering advice.
2. Trust and respect her.
3. Treat her as an equal partner in your relationship.
4. Stay and support her when she gets emotional. She is looking for understanding, not solutions.
5. Continue your courtship even after she committed to you. Continue to create romance in your relationship.
6. Do little things on a regular basis. A woman doesn care if you call her at work to say,  love you?or if you buy a new TV for the living room. The small things are worth just as much as the big ones.
7. Honor any agreements you have made with her.
8. Encourage her goals and direction.
9. Find out what your partner would like to do and then do it with her.
10. Say,  sorry?when youe done something you regret or that was hurtful to your partner, whether intentionally or unintentionally.

DON

1. Go to bed angry with your partner.
2. Try to offer advice or solutions when your partner just needs you to listen to her without comment.
3. Pretend to listen to her when you really aren.
4. Shut your partner out when you need to sort things out in your head. Just explain you need space, you aren angry with your partner and that youl be back.
5. Criticize your partner, especially her appearance.
6. Yell at your partner as if you were her father.
7. Take every word she says literally. Women, when upset, tend to speak in absolutes, such as ou NEVER listen to me;?when what she really means is that you aren listening to her at that time.
8. Allow jealousy to erode the trust, love and respect of your relationship.
9. Violate her privacy.
10. Forget special occasions.

Men and women have different communication styles, different needs and desires, and different relationship challenges. Learning these differences can assist us in strengthening the relationships we have now and in the future. John Gray began this revolutionary discovery in his book, Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus. The Women List follows:

WOMEN

DO

1. When you want more quality time with your man, make the time you do have as positive as possible.
2. Trust and respect him.
3. Stop nagging.
4. Allow your partner time away from you without giving him the third degree.
5. Appreciate the little things he does for you and tell him so.
6. Make love creatively and often. Don be afraid to initiate lovemaking.
7. Honor any agreements you have made with him.
8. Support his goals and direction.
9. Ask for what you want! (Believe it or not, no matter how much he loves you, he really can read your mind.)
10. Accept his o?gracefully, trusting that he would if he could.

DON

1. Go to bed angry with your partner.
2. Insist he always share his feelings with you. Talking about feelings is more what women need.
3. Attempt to converse with your partner during a good movie or sporting event.
4. Continue to ive?in what you perceive is a lopsided relationship when you are at a point of resentment.
5. Criticize him or put him down, especially the things he does.
6. Scold your partner as if he were a child.
7. Use sex as a prize for good behavior or the withholding of sex as punishment for ad?behavior.
8. Compare him to a fictional character in a book, movie or soap drama and find him lacking.
9. Violate his privacy.
10. Try to change him. Appreciate the man he is right now.

There is so much to learn about satisfying relationships that your parents never showed you. Please don become one of the statistics of divorce or perhaps worse, stay in a miserable relationship to honor your marriage vows while having so many regrets about your life as the time ticks away.

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Baggage Handling - And Not The Kind You Take On Vacation!

My friend Susan, a beautiful, intelligent and successful professional single, recently announced that her tumultuous 6-month relationship was over.


"He's got too much baggage and I don't know how to handle it", she explained over a skinny decaf latte at our weekly hangout session.


So how much baggage is too much, and when do we hang out the "overloaded" sign?


It's a fact of life that any man over the age of 30 is going to bring some sort of baggage to a relationship. Heck, I know 20-year-olds with more baggage than the Orient Express!


And it follows that the older we get, the more likely it is that the baggage is going to exponentially increase -- ex wives, children, stepchildren, in-laws, lifestyles or commitments, just to name a few. But it's not about how much baggage he has, it's more about how he (and we!) deal with it.


Kathryn Bigelow, behavioral scientist and director of the Burnett Behavioral Science Unit at Sydney University in Sydney, Australia says, "Baggage is merely a name for our collective past experiences. What we do with our history and how we manage it is a clear indication of how we will deal with current and future experiences."


So back to my friend Susan. Her difficulty was in trying to deal with her partner's obvious inability to let go of past relationships. According to her, this man wanted to remain friends with every woman he had ever gone out with. At least twice each week he would arrange to meet up with at least one of his ex's for a coffee, or whatever. For Susan, her gripe was how to get his ex's to exit - permanently.


According to Dr Bigelow, here is a list of ways to put the baggage down and get on with life:


*Take a good hard look at what you expect from a relationship and a partner. Then list the absolute essentials. The rest is baggage that needs to be discarded.


*From the list of essentials, try to imagine what it would be like to go without one of your "must-haves" for a day. How would you feel? Then try to imagine letting go for longer. The less demanding we are of ourselves and others, the less baggage we accumulate.


*Take a good hard look at who you are - yes, who you really are. Do an honest appraisal of your good and bad points and decide what you would like to change. Then imagine what it would be like if you could rid yourself of that trait for a day. Then try to imagine how much more space you would have in your life if you could let go of one of your negative qualities for good.


*Don't take yourself too seriously. OK, you're not 20 any more, but that doesn't mean you can't have a little fun. Think about the traits you have that annoy you, or other people, and try to find something funny about them. Creating a humorous side to a bad habit or trait can help diffuse it.


*Be your own best friend and don't beat yourself up about things that happened in the past. The past is in the past, so there's no point in worrying about things you can't change.


*Let go of the anger, resentment or guilt that you may be holding on to. You'll be amazed at how much lighter you'll feel!


We all know how cumbersome it is travelling with excess baggage, and the costs it can incur, so the object is to travel through life with just the right amount of baggage to travel well, but happily.

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Actions Of Love

Myrna, 38 and a successful physician, sought my help because she often felt inadequate. While she really valued herself as a doctor, she did not value herself in her important relationships with friends and family. In addition, she said she wanted to be in a loving relationship but she took no actions to meet available men.

In the course of our work together, it became apparent that Myrna rarely took loving action in her own behalf with her friends and family. For example, Jessica, one of Myrna friends, would often get angry and blame Myrna when Myrna was not available for dinner with Jessica. Myrna would feel guilty and responsible for Jessica feelings and meet her for dinner even when she was exhausted from work. Myrna would feel drained after these dinners and depressed for a few days after, never realizing it was because she had not taken loving care of herself.

Myrna realized that the reason she was afraid to be in a relationship was because she had no idea how to take care of herself around others. She was terrified of completely losing herself in an important relationship. She realized that if she could not speak up for herself with Jessica, how could she ever speak up and take loving action for herself with a man she was in love with? She realized that she would continue to feel lonely, anxious, inadequate and depressed until she learned to take loving action for herself.

Many people suffer daily from anxiety, depression, stress, and anger as well as from feelings of guilt, shame and inadequacy. The major cause of these feelings is a lack of loving action in their own behalf.

Loving actions fall into two categories: Loving actions for yourself and loving actions in relationship to others.

LOVING ACTIONS FOR YOURSELF

Loving actions for yourself are those actions that attend to your own needs. When you take loving action in your own behalf, you are letting yourself know that you matter, you are important, you count. When you fail to take loving action, you give yourself the message that you are not important, which leads to feelings of depression and inadequacy.

Loving actions for yourself might include:

* Eating nutritious foods, avoiding junk food and sugar, eating when hungry and stopping when full.
* Getting enough exercise.
* Keeping your work and home environments clean and organized.
* Getting enough sleep.
* Creating a balance between work and play. Making sure you have time to get your work done, as well as time to do nothing, reflect, learn, play and create.
* Creating a good support system of people who love and care about you.
* Being organized with your time, getting places on time, paying bills on time, and so on.
* Choosing to be compassionate with yourself rather than judgmental toward yourself.
* Creating a balance between time for yourself and time with others.
* Making sure you are physically safe by wearing a seat belt in a car, a helmet on a motorcycle, scooter, or bike, goggles when necessary, and so on.

LOVING ACTIONS IN RELATIONSHIP TO OTHERS

Loving actions in relationship to others might include:

* Being kind and compassionate toward others without compromising your own integrity or ignoring your own needs and feelings.
* Saying no when you mean no and yes when you mean yes, rather than giving yourself up and going along with something you don want to do, or automatically resisting what another wants from you.
* Taking care of your own needs instead of trying to change and control others. Accepting your lack of control over others and either accepting them as they are or not being around them.
* Speaking your truth about what is acceptable to you and what is unacceptable and then taking action for yourself based on your truth.
* Taking personal responsibility for your own feelings and needs, instead of being a victim and making others responsible for your feelings and needs.
* Creating a balance between giving and receiving, rather than a one-way street with another person.

As a result of learning to take better care of herself alone and with others, Myrna no longer felt depressed and inadequate. She gradually lost her fears of being in a relationship, and is delighted to be meeting available men.

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7 Ways To Improve Your Relationship

Good relationships don just happen. Ie heard many of my clients state that, f I have to work at it, then it not the right relationship.?This is not a true statement, any more than it true that you don have to work at good physical health through exercise, eating well, and stress reduction.

Ie discovered, in the 35 years that Ie been counseling couples, 7 choices you can make that will not only improve your relationship, but can turn a failing relationship into a successful one.

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF

This is the most important choice you can make to improve your relationship. This means that you learn how to take responsibility for your own feelings and needs. This means that instead of trying to get your partner to make you feel happy and secure, you learn how to do this for yourself through your own thoughts and actions. This means learning to treat yourself with kindness, caring, compassion, and acceptance instead of self-judgment. Self-judgment will always make you feel unhappy and insecure, no matter how wonderfully your partner is treating you.

For example, instead of getting angry at your partner for your feelings of abandonment when he or she is late, preoccupied and not listening to you, not turned on sexually, and so on, you would explore your own feelings of abandonment and discover how you might be abandoning yourself.

When you learn how to take full, 100% responsibility for yourself, then you stop blaming your partner for your upsets. Since blaming one partner for one own unhappiness is the number one cause of relationship problems, learning how to take loving care of yourself is vital to a good relationship.

KINDNESS, COMPASSION, ACCEPTANCE

Treat others the way you want to be treated. This is the essence of a truly spiritual life. We all yearn to be treated lovingly ?with kindness, compassion, understanding, and acceptance. We need to treat ourselves this way, and we need to treat our partner and others this way. Relationships flourish when both people treat each other with kindness. While there are no guarantees, often treating another with kindness brings kindness in return. If your partner is consistently angry, judgmental, uncaring and unkind, then you need to focus on what would be loving to yourself rather than reverting to anger, blame, judgment, withdrawal, resistance, or compliance. Kindness to others does not mean sacrificing yourself. Always remember that taking responsibility for yourself rather than blaming others is the most important thing you can do. If you are consistently kind to yourself and your partner, and your partner is consistently angry, blaming, withdrawn and unavailable, then you either have to accept a distant relationship, or you need to leave the relationship. You cannot make your partner change ?you can only change yourself.

LEARNING INSTEAD OF CONTROLLING

When conflict occurs, you always have two choices regarding how to handle the conflict: you can open to learning about yourself and your partner and discover the deeper issues of the conflict, or you can try to win, or at least not lose, through some form of controlling behavior. Wee all learning many overt and subtle ways of trying to control others into behaving the way we want: anger, blame, judgment, niceness, compliance, caretaking, resistance, withdrawal of love, explaining, teaching, defending, lying, denying, and so on. All the ways we try to control create even more conflict. Remembering to learn instead of control is a vital part of improving your relationship.

For example, most people have two major fears that become activated in relationships: the fear of abandonment ?of losing the other - and the fear of engulfment ?of losing oneself. When these fears get activated, most people immediately protect themselves against these fears with their controlling behavior. But if you chose to learn about your fears instead of attempt to control your partner, your fear would eventually heal. This is how we grow emotionally and spiritually ?by learning instead of controlling.

CREATE DATE TIMES

When people first fall in love, they make time for each other. Then, especially after getting married, they get busy. Relationships need time to thrive. It is vitally important to set aside specific times to be together ?to talk, play, make love. Intimacy cannot be maintained without time together.

GRATITUDE INSTEAD OF COMPLAINTS

Positive energy flows between two people when there is an ttitude of gratitude.?Constant complaints creates a heavy, negative energy, which is not fun to be around. Practice being grateful for what you have rather than focusing on what you don have. Complaints create stress, while gratitude creates inner peace, so gratitude creates not only emotional and relationship health, but physical health as well.

FUN AND PLAY

We all know that ork without play makes Jack a dull boy.?Work without play makes for dull relationships as well. Relationships flourish when people laugh together, play together, and when humor is a part of everyday life. Stop taking everything so seriously and learn to see the funny side of life. Intimacy flourishes when there is lightness of being, not when everything is heavy.

SERVICE

A wonderful way of creating intimacy is to do service projects together. Giving to others fills the heart and creates deep satisfaction in the soul. Doing service moves you out of yourself and your own problems and supports a broader, more spiritual view of life.

If you and your partner agree to these 7 choices, you will be amazed at the improvement in your relationship!

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Are You Too Busy for Friendship?

If you currently feel that you don have enough friends in your life, one reason may be that you have let yourself become too busy to make time for the relationships you already have.

Nurturing and maintaining friendships requires effort and commitment. Many of us let our lives become so busy with work and other commitments that we don get around to scheduling time for pleasure and renewal with the friends, relatives and acquaintances we already have.

Making the effort to call your friends more regularly, and to accept more of the invitations you receive from others, can improve your social life in a hurry!

Are there any people you could call right now and be assured of a pleasant welcome? Are these people that you could count on to help you in a crisis? Can you have close talks with them? Do you have fun when you are together? Are you happy to have them in your life?

If you haven seen much of them lately, is it because you have become too busy? Have you grown apart? Was there an argument?

If the main reason you haven been getting together with the people you already know is because you have gotten too busy, take a good look at how you spend your time. Compare it with your real values and priorities in life. Is your hectic lifestyle really bringing you the quality of life that you want?

If you have become too busy for friends, why has this happened? Are you pursuing material toys in your life at the expense of relationships with other human beings? Have you allowed your time to be over-committed because you never say o?to anyone? Do you insist on doing things yourself that could be delegated to others? If so, why? Do you believe that everything depends on you?

Examine whether the way you are currently spending your time accurately reflects your deepest values and priorities. Make sure that you schedule adequate time for the things that are truly most important to you.

If you really want to keep friends in your life, make a space in your schedule, and a space in your heart for them.

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Alone, Who Are You?

Relationships generally begin when both people are in the lone Stage,?although I am aware that often affairs begin when one or both partners are involved with someone else. It is my contention that relationships have a greater chance of success when both parties have spent some time alone and unconnected with a lover.

What does a person do with this time alone? If you are interested in creating the relationship you deserve, then you must become the best person you can be. Each successive relationship we engage in provides us with lessons and information we need to reflect upon. If we are attracting the rong?people into our lives, then perhaps it is because we are not the person we need to be in order to create a relationship with the person of our dreams.

This also means that each rong?person we attract into our lives is exactly the right person we need to teach us the lesson we need to get to move closer to the person we truly want. This is why I never look back at any relationships I have had with regret. Maybe not in the moment, but over time, I have come to understand that I learned valuable lessons in each of my past relationships and I grew, which then helped me become a better person.

Whenever we find ourselves in between relationships, it is not a time to longingly wish for the next partner to arrive. It is not the time to go out rowling?for the next person to make you complete. The time between relationships is a very important healing time. It is a time to look back on the past relationship to discover what that person was there to teach you about life, love and yourself. It a time of introspection to determine who you want to be in a relationship. I not talking about playing roles but I am talking about a genuine transformation of yourself into the person who deserves the relationship you seek.

No one dreams their entire life about meeting a mediocre partneromeone who thinks of them sometimes, who loves them a little and takes care of some of their needs. No one looks to get involved in relationships with people who lie, cheat and disrespect them. No one asks for verbal or physical abuse in a relationship. So how can we break the pattern of choosing the same type of person over and over again? I believe the key is to look at each relationship as the perfect relationship you needed at that point in time and then go about attempting to figure out what it was about the person that made him or her perfect for you during that period in your life.

Once you figure this out, you will have learned a valuable lesson. If you take that lesson and put it to use in your life, then you have one half of the equation.

The other half is about preparing yourself to be the kind of person who will attract the relationship of your dreams. If you are seeking a person to be loyal and to stand by you no matter what, then ask yourself the difficult question of whether or not you have those same traits and characteristics you seek. If there is something in your character that has caused you to be disloyal, then do some introspection to learn what you need to heal in order to become the person you truly want to be.

Relationships only act as a mirror, showing us those things about ourselves we don want to see. When we welcome the information and seek to learn from it, doing so will move us closer in the direction of becoming who we want to be.

It also helps during this alone time to take an inventory of the traits, qualities and characteristics we want in our erfect mate.?It is far more likely that we will attract the person we want when we become crystal clear about exactly what we are looking for. My list included having someone to love me for who I am, not in spite of who I am. I wanted a partner with loyalty, integrity, honesty, good looks, intelligence, a sense of humor, romance and availability (not involved with someone else). I wanted a man who was strong but gentle, decisive but sensitive and confident without being conceited. I wanted someone with whom I shared common interests and someone who didn feel the need to control me or compete with me. Guess what? After I was clear about what I was looking for, the erfect?person for me walked into my life.

Another thing I find extremely helpful during the long Stage?is to remember that you are perfect just the way you are. You are totally complete without a significant person to share your life. So often, in the Along Stage, we are focusing on our lack, instead of our abundance. We look at the one thing we don have, a romance, and waste the time we have been given feeling sorry for ourselves instead of putting the gift of time to use for the betterment of mankind in our own unique way.

In conclusion I say, first allow yourself alone time. Don be in such a hurry to jump into the next relationship before processing the last one. Take time to analyze the lesson in your past relationship(s). Use the alone time to search introspectively to assess whether or not you are the person you need to be to allow the person you seek to come into your life. And finally, focus not on your lack of relationship, but rather on what you can do to help others during this time.

Used wisely, your alone time can truly make an incredible difference in the way you experience your next relationship. Don short change yourself. Maximize and leverage the time you have been given between relationships. It is truly a gift.

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10 Common Lies Told by Women

Why are some relationships more honest than others? Why are some couples more truthful with each other while others like to deceive the partner? Nobody deserves to be lied, but there are no doubts that women are telling lies considerably and often. But so men do the same.

If you have trust issues in your relationship, in general, a woman may lie to you. Trust is something that you must build from the beginning of the relationship. Even though, a lot of people say ?white lies'' in order to make others feel better. Some women lie because, as caring creatures they want to spare the feelings of the man they are dating or seeing.

So, here are some common lies told by women that you should know. Someday you might hear them from your partner and it is better to know their real meaning.

1.You're perfect. I love you just the way you are and I wouldn't change a thing about you. Let's be serious; nobody is perfect. At the beginning of a relationship all of them say this because they didn't know you very well but after some time will definitely find something that needs changed. So, if she tells you something like this, don't be too enthusiastic because she finds you perfect just for a couple of days, and after that she will ask you to change.

2.You're right. Every time you are arguing with you're girlfriend usually ends up by telling you that you are right? Maybe this makes you feel proud of you, but you have to know that this is a big lie. She said this just to make you shut up, even if she didn't consider that you're right. She knows that after a while you will see that she was right, and may be waiting for apologize.

3.Nothing is wrong. The most common lie '' I'm fine'' when asked if there is something wrong is the most used by women. You see that she is upset, she is acting strange or doesn't want to talk to you too much and ask her what is the problem she says that everything is fine. They don't want to tell the real truth but they are expecting that men to figure out that something is wrong and those they had a mistake with something.

4.I do love sports honey. Maybe she agrees to stay and watch with you every week at a football game but this doesn't really mean that she like it. She accepts to do this just to show you that she is different from other girls and you have common interest. You may be thinking that you have found the perfect girl for you, because not many of them would like to stay to watch football, but don't be too happy because after a while she might had enough and get angry every time you sit down to watch a game.

5.I like spending time with your friends. At the beginning this is ok, but not too much. Even if they are good friends of you, she would like to spend more time alone with you and not with your friends. If she didn't tell you already this, she will ask you to keep visits from your buddies at minimum and then she might keep pretending she loves them.

6.Your family is adorable, so I like spending time with your family. The truth? Maybe twice a month. Think about it. Do you really think that she likes to spend time with your family where everybody is criticizing her and watch her every move? She agrees to spend time with your family when is necessary but she doesn't do it with much pleasure even if she is pretending in front of you that she likes them.

7.Your bank account doesn't matter. I hope you didn't believe this. We all know that this is definitely a lie. All women want a guy that is financial stable and independent, a guy that can assure her a future with no financial problems. This doesn't mean that you have to be very rich to have a girlfriend, but you have to have some money.

8.It doesn't bother to me if you look after women or go with your boys at strip-clubs. This is too good to be truth. Even she says that this is ok, she will definitely be upset that you want to go. They hate to feel second best to a night out with the guys, and accept this in order to make themselves seem less pathetically needy. If you choose to go, she will make you a lot of comments after, so you better think twice before you go.

9.You are very good in bed. If she choose to speak about this topic without you ask her, you don't have to believe all she says. If she starts to compliment you about your sexual experience it doesn't mean that she really believes that. Often a woman who cares about a man tell him all that she knows he wants to hear just to make him feel good about himself. So think about your girlfriend, your relationship, your sexual experience and see if you really deserve compliments on this topic.

10.Don't worry, it happens to everyone. If you just make a mistake, or fail in bed, you might hear this lie from your girlfriend. She doesn't want to show you how upset she is on you but in her mind thinks something else. I wouldn't be too sure that your mistake is forgiven and I would worry in not making too many '' accidents'' like these.

With all these presented, now will be more easy for you to know when your girlfriend is lying. As you see, what a woman says is not what she really thinks.

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Are You Attracted To The Wrong Sort Of Man?

How often have you said to a your friends,  always seem to pick guys who are bad for me.?
According to Hypnotherapy specialist Roderick Piggott, women who experience a series of broken and unequal relationships, are often suffering from issues of low self-esteem and poor self-image. This causes them to choose the wrong partners again and again.

Low self-esteem can really impact negatively on a persons quality of life, making them feel that they don deserve love and respect and are not fit to enjoy a proper, fulfilling relationship. Motivation levels can sink, leaving them feeling low and robbing them of any enthusiasm.

If you suffer from low self-esteem, you blame yourself for things that aren't your fault; you underestimate your abilities, and you expect things to go wrong for you. Often, low self-esteem is associated with a range of other problems, such as lack of confidence, depression, anxiety, stress and jealousy. If you feel that your opinions and thoughts are worthless, you will find yourself unable to connect or communicate effectively with others, which can become a real issue. This can be picked up by partners, leading to a shift in the balance of a relationship, turning it into something that is unequal and disadvantageous to the weaker partner. Frequently this leads to an abusive relationship and often the cycle is repeated many times.

It simply may not be the rong?man that you choose, it is very probable that a partner will become frustrated and lose respect. Attitudes then change taking the relationship off course.

There are many things that might happen in life that can cause low self-esteem. It could be a traumatic childhood, maybe a respected figure in your life belittled you, perhaps failure at a career or at school, or even a lack of social life or friends. Whatever the causes, it is important to try and get your life back on track and get over these feelings of worthlessness for the sake of yourself and those around you. These negative emotions can reflect in everything you do and say, and can start to affect your whole life.

Women who realize that they need self-esteem help are often too embarrassed to admit to anyone that they have a problem, however many sufferers of low self-esteem are benefiting from hypnotherapy treatments at home, which can literally change peoples lives for the better.

Even though you may want to change the way you feel, to be confident in your thoughts and ideas, to have a sense of faith in your own abilities and know consciously that you are worthwhile and respected, your emotional subconscious mind knows different. Your mind goes back to your deepest insecurities, together with the emotions that are held alongside those memories. Your beliefs are accessed. Your conscious and subconscious mind is in conflict. The subconscious mind wins, every time because your emotions rule. You can change your beliefs by changing your emotions. Hypnosis can do this. And it is easy.

Hypnotherapy treatments work in a very natural way, People are constantly capable of change, which can happen more powerfully in an altered state. In this altered state, which we call hypnosis, suggestions to the sub-conscious mind can supply us with the feelings and emotions that go with imagination and creativity to bring about changes within your feeling system, your emotional system, and this can change your values, perceptions and beliefs. It what makes hypnosis an incredibly powerful means to achieve your dreams.

Your subconscious mind has the power to end your struggle with your low self-esteem. Your life will improve if you begin to believe in yourself and your abilities, you will feel respected, giving you that extra boost to increase motivation, and your enthusiasm will increase noticeably. Some people say it feels like magic because it is so easy to make powerful changes. Hypnotherapy simply allows you to access the resources you already have in your subconscious mind.

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Build a Romance Bridge

Ever run into a brick wall, so to speak, with your mate? Can seem to pass o?without collecting 200 fresh wounds? Well, it time to build a bridge and tear down that brick wall. Here are your tools:

ATTITUDE ?Get an attitude adjustment first. Lighten up and do a 180-degree about face. Read the Sunday comics, grab an old comic book, turn on the Comedy channel, watch funny videos or DVDs. Get in a better mood and pass it along to your mate. Invite your mate to tune in to comedy with you, too.

FRIENDSHIP ?Go back to being friends for starters now that youe in a good mood. Forget the love stuff, if you want. And just focus on being good friends; share compliments, do things for one another, go out and have fun together, enjoy one another company.

RELAX ?Let your hair down. Trust and relax. Be yourself. Don let old wounds open or fester. Forget the garbage memories and just be in the here and now together.

TIME OUT ?If possible, spend extra time together for awhile, like during your original courting days. Hire a sitter, order out, eat at fast food places, grab ice cream cones and go for walks in the park. Get to know each other all over again. That the key. Then youl remember why you fell for each other in the beginning and history will hopefully repeat itself.

COMMUNICATION ?Take it slow and easy. Keep away from subjects that you don agree upon. And slowly re-learn to communicate with each other all over again. If necessary, and it not a crime or shame ?get help. Seek a trusted friend or adviser, a church clergy member or certified professional counselor. No need to go it alone. Find your weak areas and how to over come them and plan for future communication difficulties.

GOALS ?Gradually develop goals together so youl have a direction to head. Write them down in a notebook just for the two of you. And over time, develop them, revise them, cross them off your list. The idea is to HAVE goals together and work towards a common goal.

SCRAP BOOK ?Create a memory album together. Add photos, clippings, menus and anything that reminds you of the ood times.?Then when tough times comes, youl have something to old on to??your bridge to romance.

So don just sit back and sulk. Take short steps to improve your relationships and let life problems magically pass by while you hold on to your relationship.

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Can This Relationship Be Helped?

I have been counseling couples for 35 years. Quite often individuals come in for help wondering if it is really possible to save or improve their relationship. Perhaps their partner is totally uninterested in working on the relationship. Perhaps their partner is an alcoholic or drug addict. What are their chances of saving their relationship?

Since two people always get together at their common level of woundedness, here is what I say to the partner who has sought my help: s long as you choose to remain in this relationship, there are things for you to learn. Each partner contributes their 100% to the relationship. While it is often easy to see what your partner is doing that is harmful to the relationship, it is often difficult to see what you are doing. Yet until you learn about your part in this relationship system, you will take your own dysfunctional behavior with you into another relationship. It generally a waste of time - unless there is physical abuse - to leave a relationship before healing your own end of the system. The time to leave is when you have learned to make yourself happy regardless of what your mate is doing. When you learn to take 100% responsibility for your own feelings and needs, and if your partner is still behaving in ways that are unacceptable to you, then it time to leave. You need to discover how to respond to your partner in ways that are loving to yourself and that support your own joy and highest good.?
When the partner who is available to counseling does his or her inner work, one of two things happen. Either the other partner likes what is happening and becomes more open, or the relationship becomes more distant and difficult. I tell my clients that it is a 50-50 deal - half the time things get better and half the time they get worse. They need to be okay with either outcome. If fact, I encourage them to let go of the outcome and just be in the process of learning how to take loving care of themselves.

Let take some examples. Craig is unhappy in his marriage because his wife, Gloria, is often angry and judgmental toward him. Craig sees himself as the victim of Gloria unloving behavior, blaming her for his unhappiness. However, Craig is a equal part of the relationship system. He generally reacts to Gloria anger with compliance, giving himself up in his covert attempt to control Gloria anger. He believes that being a ice guy?will control her feelings and behavior. So, while Gloria is attempting to overtly control Craig, Craig is attempting to covertly control Gloria. Until Craig starts to speak his truth rather than give himself up as his form of control, he will feel resentful and distant with Gloria. If he has the courage to take loving care of himself by speaking his total truth without blame or judgment, and take loving action for himself based on his truth, then either things will get better or they will get worse. The only way Craig will be able to be honest and take care of himself is if he is willing to lose Gloria rather than continue to lose himself.

Marilyn is married to Martin, a non-abusive functioning alcoholic. The problem for Marilyn is that when Martin drinks, which is every night, he completely disconnects from her and she feel very lonely with him. She tried in many ways to get Martin to connect to her, but nothing has worked. Most nights, Marilyn just watches TV, feeling sad and alone.

Until Marilyn decides to do whatever she needs to do to make herself happy, nothing will change. If she decides to take classes, get together with friends, join a support group or go to Alanon, she will no longer be a victim of Martin decision to withdraw through alcohol. If Marilyn continues to take care of herself over a time - six months to a year - and nothing changes, then she can decide to leave. Or, she can decide to stay and just continue making herself happy. The possibility also exist that when Marilyn stops pulling on Martin to make her happy, he may decide to deal with himself rather than be left alone most of the time.

Can this relationship be helped? Maybe. Do your own inner work and find out!

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Being Successfully Single Until the Right One Comes Along!

Our planet is brimming with a random lottery of people; undeniably though, finding true love can be considered a risky business. Love is supposed to be a beautiful feeling with lots of happy thoughts emanating from the whole package of being in love, so why is finding true love is considered a difficult challenge?

Is finding love really so hard though? Or do we just make it hard? Finding love is not hard, but sometimes it takes a long time. So if you are single now, and I assume that you are, then you are likely goint go be single for awhile.

Here are some advantages of being single:

1. You are independent Basically you can do what you want when you want. You don't have to wait, you don't have to ask, you can just go.

2. You have more time When you're single; you don't have to sit around doing nothing. Want to go to the gym? Want to join the hiking club? Play an instrument? How about watch your favorite video for 10th time? Want to take a course? Learn a new hobby? Who's stopping you?

3. You don't have to deal with another's personal habits You can sleep without listening to someone's snoring and hog all the blankets all the time and nobody cares. You don't have to pick up after anyone but yourself. And you don't even have to pick up after yourself if you don't want to. Give your patience a well-deserved break.

4. You can be spontaneous Be daring! Do what you want when you want to and who cares if you don't get to dinner until midnight? Do something out of the ordinary, without having to get permission first or calling ahead. This is freedom!

5. You can focus on your career You can channel your energy into your work. Without a relationship, you have a lot more time. Put in those extra hours and impress your boss, or take on new projects.

6. You are your own boss Relationships need compromise and you don't always get your own way. Both people in a relationship have to give something up for the greater good of the relationship. Do what you want and treat yourself more. Selfishness is good for the soul (in small doses).

Don't stress! That special someone is out there and you can and will find them. It just takes time.

In the meantime, enjoy being single. In fact, I believe that if you can't be happy being single, you will never be happy with your soulmate! Kind of like rich and poor. There are lots of poor people who are happy and lots that are unhappy. Same with rich people -- lots are happy and lots are unhappy. Now what do you think would happen if we took a poor who was unhappy, and gave them lots of money?

You guessed it! They would probably be happy for a short time, but it wouldn't last and eventually they would be just as unhappy as they were.

Ever wonder why that is? Being happy comes from inside of you not outside. OK, you are single -- enjoy yourself and that special person will come along before you know it!

I hope that you have found this article useful in your search. If you would like to more about finding your soulmate, please visit my website Soulmate Secrets.

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What to do if she just needs a break

Long Term Relationships are very difficult to sustain. After some time appear a lot of misunderstandings, argues and problems which are inevitable because that's life. There are couples which know how to get over these problems and their relationship continues, but many of them fail. But there are also other reasons why a couple break down as because there is no love anymore, they can't understand anymore or just that one of them is bored in this relationship. Although, what happens if she say that she still loves you but she needs a break?

Let's say that a few days ago, your girlfriend of just over two years told you that she needs a break; she still says that she loves you and want you to be together some day, but right now she needs some space, a break in order to settle her minds. What should you do?

First of all you should try to ask her the reasons, doesn't she likes someone else? Maybe she won't tell you the truth and keep telling you lie in the face, but let her know that by taking this break is the risk of losing you forever. So if she really cares about you she will be a little worried that the game she planed would not go as she wanted. If you have the power, you should confront her and tell her that she is right, you feel too trapped lately and you consider too that is the best for you to have a break, even this is not what you want and your heart is broken.

If a girl asks for a break in relationship you have to give her that; if she still loves you as she said then she will come back to you. If she tells you that she will call you, you've better wait until she decides to do it. So do not try to contact her, to not call her, give her the time she needs. To not try desperately to get her back because she will run of you and then you will never get her back. Leave her alone, be busy and she will be sorry for letting you.

You have to think what may be the reasons why she wants to take a break as opposed to break up. Maybe you haven't been the best boyfriend she ever wanted. Or maybe she is making new friends, venturing on her own, enjoying the single life, having second thoughts about the relationship and she is outgrowing you; she is having fun right now, but having you as a boyfriend may not really fit into her new life.

Another reason why she wants to take a break is that she is not quite ready to let you go, but she wants to be able to meet other guys, without resorting to cheating on you; or she just met a new boy that she likes but she is not sure if she wants to stay with him or you.

What happens if she still calls you, dating sometime, but she doesn't tell you to get back together? The best thing you can do is to show her that you are fine without her, even if your heart is broken; all the girls are the same: when a girl it feels unwanted, is ready to do anything in order to be wanted again; so if she doesn't come running back it means that she didn't care too much.

You have to wait a little after her, but not too much. If she is sure that you love her, she likes this situation: she feels that she still has a boyfriend when she wants too, and also it is free to find someone new. So start letting go of your feelings for her right now and start date with other girls meantime because it is not considerate cheating because right now you are not a couple anymore, you are separated. It is the only way for you to move on with your life and if by some chance the two of you get back together someday, it will be on your terms. So go out with your own friends and have some fun.

When people decided to take a break, what they are really doing is taking time to see if there is somebody more suited for them out there. So you must think better if your girlfriend doesn care about her more than she cares you.

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Want to improve your relationship with your wife?

Recently, my wife, 7 year old daughter and I decided that since it was such a beautiful, cool, and slightly breezy evening that we would take a blanket outside, spread it out on the lawn with some refreshments, and enjoy the evening reading books.

I grabbed a book that I had wanted to finish for a while, strapped on my seatbelt as it were, and got ready for some serious, uninterrupted reading.

Except there was one little problem?
My wife and daughter grabbed a book they aid?they were going to read together. And for the next hour and a half that we spent on the lawn, they were both up and down, in and out of the house, giggling, laughing, playing, getting this, getting that, teasing each other, and in general, fooling around. If doubt they read 10 lines of text the whole time.

Now on my end, I wanting to read my book and so I found myself starting to feel a little bit aggravated. My focus was on reading and anything that interrupted me or distracted me from my reading was a nuisance and an irritant.

In fact, I went so far as to say to them, ou girls aren getting much reading done are you??
It was their look of puzzlement, that look at me as if I was from outer-space or some foreign place that caused me to remember that which I already knew?
Females are focused on relating. And anything that interrupts them or distracts them from their relating is a nuisance and an irritant.

And therein lies the ub? Men are focused on the oing?while the women are focused on onnecting?

So how do you improve your relationship with your wife?

Of course, there are many answers to this question, but pertaining to this article, the way to improve your relationship with your wife is to force yourself to set aside whatever it is that you are oing?

Totally forget about oing?anything and instead focus on the onnecting?and elating?that she wanting.

Realize that whatever the oing?part is supposed to be is really nothing more than a platform upon which she wants to onnect?and elate?

But be warned, if you take time onnect?and elate?to and with her, she might end up oing?you if you get my drift?

Happily, that exactly what happened to me.

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What akes?A Relationship For You - And How Hypnosis Will Help You Get It.

In the last one hundred years the boundaries and definitions of what makes a good relationship have been stretched and distorted into so many new and exciting shapes ?some good and some awful. So what akes?a relationship work for you? And what more, what could you do to make the relationship that you are in now ?even better?

Could you seek more pleasure, better communication, more companionship or a better sex life from your partner? Well, hypnotherapy may be what you both are looking for to help you to achieve all of these goals and more.

Within sessions of hypnotherapy, you would realize that over time, your mate will respond subconsciously and will also improve your relationship, even if he/she is not participating actively in dealing with the present issues that you are trying to improve! This means that even if your other half is not interested in going with you for therapy, they can still be affected by it and change for the better. If this is the case you will just be shown techniques that will allow your partner to take notice of the process and want to join in.

There are many issues that can ock the Boat?when it comes to relationships, however if the reason that you are looking at this article is because you feel that your relationship could be improved, then let me congratulate you on deciding to use hypnotherapy!

Hypnosis can help you make dramatic changes in your attitude which will ultimately improve your relations with others. And amazingly, - as YOU make these dramatic changes, your partner will respond unconsciously, and together you will co-create better communication and rapport.

If this is a bit technical for you, in basic terms it means that hypnosis is effective in dealing with the way we think about things. Thinking is powerful, everything starts with a thought! People that have different perceptions normally have different ideas and views about things.

By improving this type of communication you can completely change your relationships for the better! And this is not all. You will also have a tool to help you to achieve the life of your dreams for both you and your partner.

Because hypnotherapy uses the natural processes of the mind and body, you will be amazed just how quickly you will see the benefits! Remember, relationships are not about ?big houses, nice cars or even exotic holidays, but they are about two people living and enjoying life as one.

With a little guidance and time you can truly build a beautiful relationship, now isn that what you deserve?

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You Love Them Because They're Funny!

For years I heard woman after woman say after obviously falling in love, "He's so funny! I just love that about him."

Often after someone has lost a family member, they'll say "I'll always remember her smile, the way she laughed, the little jokes she would tell to lighten the mood."

Could it be we love people who have a great sense of humor? I've always thought so. And now we have scientific proof of what many of us long suspected. Humor is one of the things we enjoy most about life and, frequently, the people we love are the ones who make us smile.

Fortunately for those of us who probably aren't that funny, humor is most often in the eye of the beholder. The guys at work may not laugh at your wise cracks, but if SHE laughs, well that's all that matters.

For a long time, nobody in the scientific world knew much about humor. But during the past 20 years, more and more research has been done. We know what parts of our brains deal with humor. We also know when a baby starts to develop a sense of humor.

So don't hesitate. Let your funny bone show through!

* When you think something is funny, don't be afraid to let it out. Just think first if your remark might be taken the wrong way by those in earshot. Humor is great -- foot-in-mouth is less great.

* Use humor to ease uncomfortable situations. When the mood starts to get tense, an appropriate chuckle and humorous side remark can get everyone back on track.

* If you're not naturally funny, read cartoons, joke books, the laugh lines at the back of Reader's Digest, and pay attention to how script writers set up funny situations on TV. You CAN learn to be more humorous than you are. Pay attention to humor and your sense of humor will develop.

Above all else, be someone who APPRECIATES humor. Try not to make someone feel bad when you don't find their attempt at humor to be all that funny. As long as the humor isn't in grossly poor taste, give your humorist a smile. And be one who isn't afraid to chortle and guffaw when someone really pushes your funny button. A good laugh can be the best medicine you've had all day.

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What The Point? Understanding Woman Speak

Women and men communicate differently with women being more verbal and vocal and men not so much. Women are also much more emotional and many would "argue" speak an entirely different language altogether. And some (okay, most) would insist that they encode what they mean or are trying to say behind frivolous words and phrases.

But, if you've got one of these beguiling creatures in you life, it's up to YOU to figure her out and figure out what she really means, especially if you want to keep the piece.

Sorry Situations: Just because she apologizes doesn't mean she thinks she was wrong (in fact she probably doesn't believe she was). All it really means is that she's initiating the reconciliation, and the LEAST she expects you to do is admit your faults and say youe sorry too.

Weighty Issues: Most women want and need to be affirmed and want to know that they are still attractive to their man. So, when she asks if she looks fat, she's simply fishing for compliments and wants to know you think of her as beautiful. Make sure your answer is honest BUT accentuates her attractiveness and her appeal (In fact, if you don't like how she looks, you may want to say, you look lovely in that but I tend to prefer you in a dress, or pants, or in that red outfit, etc)

Her Get Up and Go: She may start hinting that she tired or has lots to do tomorrow. She may even suggest that you stay behind and have a good time. Dude, that's you cue to get ready to go.

Kidding Around: She may be complimenting you sense of humor and your disposition with nieces and nephews, but in reality she wants to know your thoughts on kids, having some of your own, and how soon. Even if you don't foresee having children in the immediate future, keep in mind that ladies like to look ahead, well ahead, so, if you're not opposed to the idea (even if it is down the road) give her the answer she's fishing for, or come up with an equally indirect response of your own.

Fine And Seek: She gives every indication that there may be something wrong, but when you ask she assures you it's "nothing". Well guys, you just may be damned if you do and damned if you don't. If you take it at face value that everything is status quo, she'll continue being annoyed, but if do your job and identify the problem, you just may be in for a fight. But, remember she's WAITING for you to figure it out and to be given the chance to get it off her chest.

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What to Do When People Don't Like You

Have you been trying hard to make friends with no good results to show for all of your efforts?

If it seems that you have been trying hard to make friends, but that other people still don want to be your friend, you may have come to the conclusion that there something wrong with you. That maybe you are basically unlikeable.

Many of us go through such torment of self doubt, especially during our teenage years, when teens are often the victims of vicious bullying from their peers for no reason at all.

If you feel as if the people you are trying to befriend don like you, the first thing you must do is to ask yourself: Do you have any real evidence that others don like you?

Or are you just imagining the worst because you are always very harsh with yourself?

People who have low self-esteem, or who are suffering from depression, are often convinced that others don like them, even when there is no evidence for their negative belief. People who have a poor self image can be surrounded by others who like them, care about them, and enjoy their company; yet because these people don believe they are worthy of being liked, they are convinced that no one else likes them either.

So, if you are feeling as if nobody likes you, try to find out if there is some real evidence that others don like you, or whether you are just being very negative in your opinion of yourself.

On the other hand, there are times when it not just your imagination that others don like you. It might be really true that most of the people you meet are consistently rejecting you, even when you make social overtures and try to be as friendly to them as possible.

There are many reasons this can happen.

You may have moved to a society where the people are very tight knit with each other, and they don open up to newcomers easily.

You might be surrounded by people who automatically dislike people of your particular religion, ethnic background, sexual orientation, skin color, or bodily appearance.

You may be surrounded by people who reject you because the clothes you wear are not the latest and most expensive fashion.

In high school years in particular, many teens are strongly conformist, and can be very cruel to those who seem to be different from the norm. Sadly, some people never grow out of the stage of judging others for trivial and superficial reasons.

If you are really are being rejected by others, it is important that you don make the situation worse by attacking yourself.

This will only make you feel worse, and will make you lose confidence in approaching new people in the future.

Saying negative things to yourself could start you on a downward spiral of self-doubt and self-hatred. Or you might turn your anger outwards in a spirit of bitterness and revenge towards other people. This is not a solution that will win you friends or peace of mind.

It also important to take a good, hard look at yourself and the way that you interact with other people. There may be specific behaviors that are causing others to dislike you, and these are behaviors which you can change.

Ask yourself the questions on this checklist. If it looks as if any of these behaviors are a problem for you, it very likely that if you change this behavior, that other people will like you better.

1. Are you always very negative and complaining all the time? Most people find this habit very annoying.

2. Do you actively participate in conversations with others? Or do you hold back and let other people do all the work in making conversation. If so, learn to improve your conversational skills so that talking with you is an experience that others look forward to.

3. Do you endlessly talk about yourself and show little interest in the people you are talking with? Other people will become bored with you very quickly if you seem only interested in yourself.

4. Do you try too hard to please others, always agreeing with everything that they say, and never having any opinions of your own? People won respect you if you don respect yourself.

5. Do you often say things that hurt the feelings of others and then say it was just a joke? Do you say mean things behind other people backs? No one will trust you if they think that you are basically an unkind person.

If you want to make other people your friends, it very important that you don give up on trying. Keep approaching people, keep trying to make conversation. Get rid of your bad social habits if they are getting in the way of friendship.

If you are being given the cold shoulder by many of the people you encounter, particularly in your school or workplace, keep looking elsewhere for people you can confide in and befriend. You can try in your church, in your community, and in your own family.

Work on developing the talents and good qualities within yourself so that you can appeal in a new way to other people with whom you will have more in common. Continue to actively search out other people who will like you and accept you.

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