What Do We Get From Relationship Counseling?

Ideally, everyone would like to be in a good relationship. In order to have such a relationship, it is necessary for us to continually develop and maintain it.

It is indeed a lifetime commitment for us. Whatever age bracket we belong to or experience in life our relationship will encounter new and demanding challenges. For us to meet these challenges, we should develop flexible skills and better understanding. And there are different types of relationship. The relationship of a couple is perhaps the most important in our society.

It is the primary relationship in the life of the people. It is the basic unit of society. Some relationships are basically sexual. All relationship that are healthy and good are based on mutual respect and can communicate effectively to each other.

But we cannot deny the fact that there will always be problems in the relationship later on. Now the question is how are we going to solve the problems? And that will be the role of relationship counseling. It will guide us to make the right decision. The role of the counselor is not give the solution but to lead us in the process of decision making. This is in contrast with the role of an adviser wherein he is expected to give a definite decision by the concerned individual.

Relationship counseling will give us new outlook and helpful alternatives. The counseling itself will equip us updated methods and way in order to face life`s challenges. In the counseling process, the couple will be given time to express their needs and fears and later on they will decide wisely whatever ill feelings and misunderstanding. It helps in the removal of hindrances for an intimate relationship. Conflicts are easily resolved by both parties. The skills in communicating are enhanced. Relationships are very much improved. People at present are very effective in communicating their thoughts and ideas. They could respond to situations instead of criticizing and complaining. Differences of ideas and beliefs are discussed instead of destroying the reputation of the other person.

The parties involved in the relationship must be aware of their behavior in order to know how the relationship is affected. Let us remember that the main concern of relationship counseling is about the relationship. Relationship is actually is put to the test most of the time. We have a wounded relationship. That is the reason why relationship is taken as a patient to be cured and fixed. Relationship counseling is centered on how both parties answer the different issues they are supposed to face. There are some of them who do not respond, while others respond effectively. The good of the relationship is the primary concern for some people, while others do not bother.

If we are going to undergo relationship counseling, then what are some of the things we could learn as and individual and a couple? We could mention a lot of them.

As an individual

?We will be able to discover a healthy relationship.
?Improvement of one relationship.
?We will be able to know what is needed in a relationship.
?Knowing the obstacles of being close and committed.
?Be able to make the relationship full of life, healthy and more fun.

As a couple

?Acquire a relationship that is full of love and fulfillment.
?Be able to discuss the reasons why we have relationship problems
?Able to end conflicts in a healthy manner.
?Able to resolve issues in relation to commitment.
?To have more intimacy and enjoyment in the relationship

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Can This Relationship Be Helped?

I have been counseling couples for 35 years. Quite often individuals come in for help wondering if it is really possible to save or improve their relationship. Perhaps their partner is totally uninterested in working on the relationship. Perhaps their partner is an alcoholic or drug addict. What are their chances of saving their relationship?

Since two people always get together at their common level of woundedness, here is what I say to the partner who has sought my help: s long as you choose to remain in this relationship, there are things for you to learn. Each partner contributes their 100% to the relationship. While it is often easy to see what your partner is doing that is harmful to the relationship, it is often difficult to see what you are doing. Yet until you learn about your part in this relationship system, you will take your own dysfunctional behavior with you into another relationship. It generally a waste of time - unless there is physical abuse - to leave a relationship before healing your own end of the system. The time to leave is when you have learned to make yourself happy regardless of what your mate is doing. When you learn to take 100% responsibility for your own feelings and needs, and if your partner is still behaving in ways that are unacceptable to you, then it time to leave. You need to discover how to respond to your partner in ways that are loving to yourself and that support your own joy and highest good.?
When the partner who is available to counseling does his or her inner work, one of two things happen. Either the other partner likes what is happening and becomes more open, or the relationship becomes more distant and difficult. I tell my clients that it is a 50-50 deal - half the time things get better and half the time they get worse. They need to be okay with either outcome. If fact, I encourage them to let go of the outcome and just be in the process of learning how to take loving care of themselves.

Let take some examples. Craig is unhappy in his marriage because his wife, Gloria, is often angry and judgmental toward him. Craig sees himself as the victim of Gloria unloving behavior, blaming her for his unhappiness. However, Craig is a equal part of the relationship system. He generally reacts to Gloria anger with compliance, giving himself up in his covert attempt to control Gloria anger. He believes that being a ice guy?will control her feelings and behavior. So, while Gloria is attempting to overtly control Craig, Craig is attempting to covertly control Gloria. Until Craig starts to speak his truth rather than give himself up as his form of control, he will feel resentful and distant with Gloria. If he has the courage to take loving care of himself by speaking his total truth without blame or judgment, and take loving action for himself based on his truth, then either things will get better or they will get worse. The only way Craig will be able to be honest and take care of himself is if he is willing to lose Gloria rather than continue to lose himself.

Marilyn is married to Martin, a non-abusive functioning alcoholic. The problem for Marilyn is that when Martin drinks, which is every night, he completely disconnects from her and she feel very lonely with him. She tried in many ways to get Martin to connect to her, but nothing has worked. Most nights, Marilyn just watches TV, feeling sad and alone.

Until Marilyn decides to do whatever she needs to do to make herself happy, nothing will change. If she decides to take classes, get together with friends, join a support group or go to Alanon, she will no longer be a victim of Martin decision to withdraw through alcohol. If Marilyn continues to take care of herself over a time - six months to a year - and nothing changes, then she can decide to leave. Or, she can decide to stay and just continue making herself happy. The possibility also exist that when Marilyn stops pulling on Martin to make her happy, he may decide to deal with himself rather than be left alone most of the time.

Can this relationship be helped? Maybe. Do your own inner work and find out!

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Top Ten List Of What To Do And What Not To Do In Relationships

Most of us who have been intimately involved with someone beyond the infatuation stage know that relationships are like a rollercoaster ride. When things are good, they are very, very good. When things are bad, they are very, very bad. As a relationship coach, I have developed Top 10 Lists---one for men and one for women on 10 things to do and not to do in relationships.

MEN

DO

1. Just listen to your partner without offering advice.
2. Trust and respect her.
3. Treat her as an equal partner in your relationship.
4. Stay and support her when she gets emotional. She is looking for understanding, not solutions.
5. Continue your courtship even after she committed to you. Continue to create romance in your relationship.
6. Do little things on a regular basis. A woman doesn care if you call her at work to say,  love you?or if you buy a new TV for the living room. The small things are worth just as much as the big ones.
7. Honor any agreements you have made with her.
8. Encourage her goals and direction.
9. Find out what your partner would like to do and then do it with her.
10. Say,  sorry?when youe done something you regret or that was hurtful to your partner, whether intentionally or unintentionally.

DON

1. Go to bed angry with your partner.
2. Try to offer advice or solutions when your partner just needs you to listen to her without comment.
3. Pretend to listen to her when you really aren.
4. Shut your partner out when you need to sort things out in your head. Just explain you need space, you aren angry with your partner and that youl be back.
5. Criticize your partner, especially her appearance.
6. Yell at your partner as if you were her father.
7. Take every word she says literally. Women, when upset, tend to speak in absolutes, such as ou NEVER listen to me;?when what she really means is that you aren listening to her at that time.
8. Allow jealousy to erode the trust, love and respect of your relationship.
9. Violate her privacy.
10. Forget special occasions.

Men and women have different communication styles, different needs and desires, and different relationship challenges. Learning these differences can assist us in strengthening the relationships we have now and in the future. John Gray began this revolutionary discovery in his book, Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus. The Women List follows:

WOMEN

DO

1. When you want more quality time with your man, make the time you do have as positive as possible.
2. Trust and respect him.
3. Stop nagging.
4. Allow your partner time away from you without giving him the third degree.
5. Appreciate the little things he does for you and tell him so.
6. Make love creatively and often. Don be afraid to initiate lovemaking.
7. Honor any agreements you have made with him.
8. Support his goals and direction.
9. Ask for what you want! (Believe it or not, no matter how much he loves you, he really can read your mind.)
10. Accept his o?gracefully, trusting that he would if he could.

DON

1. Go to bed angry with your partner.
2. Insist he always share his feelings with you. Talking about feelings is more what women need.
3. Attempt to converse with your partner during a good movie or sporting event.
4. Continue to ive?in what you perceive is a lopsided relationship when you are at a point of resentment.
5. Criticize him or put him down, especially the things he does.
6. Scold your partner as if he were a child.
7. Use sex as a prize for good behavior or the withholding of sex as punishment for ad?behavior.
8. Compare him to a fictional character in a book, movie or soap drama and find him lacking.
9. Violate his privacy.
10. Try to change him. Appreciate the man he is right now.

There is so much to learn about satisfying relationships that your parents never showed you. Please don become one of the statistics of divorce or perhaps worse, stay in a miserable relationship to honor your marriage vows while having so many regrets about your life as the time ticks away.

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Trust Starts with You

 have a hard time trusting people.?
 never feel like I can trust my husband (or wife).?
It is very common for me, in my work as a counselor, to hear the above statements. Trust issues abound in relationships. However, resolving trust issues is not about getting another person to be trustworthy. It about you become a trustworthy person with yourself and learning to trust yourself.

BECOMING TRUSTWORTHY WITH YOURSELF

How often do you promise yourself you are going to do something and then don do it? For example, we often promise ourselves to:

* Get the taxes done on time.

* Catch up on email, phone calls, and other correspondence.

* Eat better.

* Drink less alcohol.

* Stop reckless spending, gambling, or whatever puts us in financial distress.

* Stop getting angry.

* Stop giving ourselves up.

* Lose weight.

* Get more exercise.

* Get more sleep (or sleep less).

* Get together with friends.

* Clean up the house, or clean up the clutter.

* Be on time.

* Watch less TV or spend less time on the computer.

* Meditate or pray.

* Take time for ourselves.

* Finish a project.

* And so on?.

If you promise yourself you will do something and then you don do it, you are not being trustworthy with yourself. This would be like promising a child something and then not doing it. Eventually the child would learn not to trust you. The same applies with your Child within. If you promise yourself ?your Inner Child ?that you will take care of yourself in some way and then you don do it, the Inner Child learns that there is no inner adult to trust. Since many of us project onto others our own inner issues, it is likely that if you are not trustworthy with yourself, you will project untrustworthiness onto others. You will continue to distrust others as long as you are not behaving in a trustworthy way with yourself and with others.

TRUSTING YOURSELF

Many of us grew up with parents who did not trust our feelings and perceptions. We might have been told that what we felt and what we experienced was wrong.

Mother: Put on a sweater. It cold outside.


Child: I not cold.


Mother: Youe just a child. What do you know? Put on a sweater.

Mother: Go give your Uncle Sam a kiss.


Child: No, I don like Uncle Sam. He creepy.


Mother: Of course you like Uncle Sam. Now go give him a kiss.

Child: My teacher is really mean to me.


Father: I sure your teacher is very nice. If your teacher is mean to you, it must be your fault.

Child: Daddy, why are you angry at me?


Father: I not angry.

After a while, we learn to discount and mistrust our feelings and perceptions. We learn to give our authority away to our parents and other adults, deciding that others must know more about what we feel, want and perceive than we do. We abandon our inner knowing and stop trusting ourselves.

I have worked with many people who felt deeply betrayed by someone, only to discover in the course of our work together than they had betrayed themselves by not listening to themselves. I often hear statements such as:

 knew when we first met that Frank was lying to me about his money situation, but I didn listen to myself. I believed him instead of believing myself, and now I stuck with all this debt.?
 had a feeling that Katherine was having affairs even before we got married but I didn listen to myself. The last thing I ever wanted was to be divorced with children.?
We can often feel in our bodies what is true and what is untrue, yet many of us don listen to these inner messages. Instead, we put our trust in others and then feel betrayed when others let us down. When we choose to listen to and trust our own inner voice rather than give our power away to others, we will no longer put ourselves in positions to be used and betrayed.

How often have you ignored yourself when something didn feel right, only to later discover that you really did know that something wasn right? How often have you heard the voice of your inner or Higher Self and discounted it, only to regret it later?

Your trust issues with others will be resolved when you become a trustworthy adult with yourself ?following through on what you say you will do, and when you learn to trust your inner knowing. It will be harder for others to get away with unloving acts toward you when you learn to trust yourself.

Copyright: ?2004 by Margaret Paul

This article is offered for free use in your ezine, print publication or on your web site, so long as the author resource box at the end is included, with hyperlinks. Notification of publication would be appreciated.

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