Body Language Secrets You Should Know

Even when you don say a word, other people can still learn a lot about what kind of person you are and what you are thinking and feeling.

How do other people do this? By studying your body language.

The term body language refers to the messages you send out with your body gestures and facial expressions.

Some body language experts claim that only about 7% of our messages to other people are communicated through the words we speak. The rest of our messages are conveyed through our body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions.

During your entire life you have been sending messages to others through your posture, gestures, and facial expressions.

When you were an infant, before you learned to speak, people were peering into your little baby face, looking at your gestures, and listening to your little cries and gurgles, trying to decipher what kind of mood you were in, and what you were trying to say.

And you have been reacting to the body language, voice tone, and facial expressions of the people around you all your life, even though you may not have been consciously aware of it.

What sorts of messages are you conveying to others with your body language? Does your body language encourage other people to approach you? Or do you subconsciously warn them to stay away?

Take a moment to think about how you usually stand or sit when you are with other people. What are you doing with your hands? Where are you looking with your eyes?

Does your face express interest in the people you are with, or does your face stay a tense, stony mask?

When you are sitting or standing, do you usually cross your arms across your chest? If this is your typical way of standing or sitting, how do you think other people interpret this posture? Did you realize that most people will subconsciously interpret your arms crossed in front of your chest as a signal that you don want anyone to approach you? Only the bravest souls are likely to come forward when you adopt this posture.

If you stand awkwardly, with your chest slumped forward, your shoulders drooping, and your eyes avoiding everyone else, people are likely to decide you are very depressed or completely lacking in confidence. They may fear that trying to talk with you will be an awkward experience.

When you stand awkwardly, you do not project any sign that you are confident in yourself, or that you have any interest in the people around you. Instead you look like you are trying to disappear.

No matter how desperately you want someone to come over and befriend you, if your body language projects awkwardness or disinterest in others, it not very likely that many people will try to start a conversation with you.

If some body language signals can frighten people away, are there signals that will encourage people to come forward and approach you? Yes, you can look much more approachable to others if you adopt body language that is open and non-threatening.

Whether you are sitting or standing, aim for a posture that is upright and alert, yet relaxed. If you notice that your chest or shoulders are slumping, straighten up.

Become aware of the way you are breathing. Does your breath move in and out smoothly? Or does it move with jerky little stops and starts?

If you notice that you are holding your breath, or breathing in a shallow, jerky manner, this is a sign of anxiety. When you breathe shallowly, you have to breathe more often, which can increase your appearance of nervousness. Consciously tell all the muscles of your body to relax. Use your abdomen to help you breathe smoothly and deeply. Let the bottom part of your lungs fill up with air as well as the top.

What are you doing with your hands? If you get nervous in social situations, you may feel that no matter what you do with your hands, it the wrong thing. Many people who cross their arms in front of their chest are probably doing so at least in part because they don know where else to put their hands.

You should never cross your arms in front of your chest unless you really don want anybody to approach you. That is the message this gesture sends out.

If you want to look open and approachable, keep your arms at your sides, or put one hand in your pocket. If you want to hold something in one hand, keep your hand at the side of your body, and not in front of you. Holding your arm in front of your body can be seen as a signal that you want to defend yourself against other people.

Stay aware of and focused on your surroundings and the people around you. If you find yourself tuning out your surroundings, you will start to focus too much on your negative inner sensations and thoughts. This can quickly increase your anxiety to a very uncomfortable level.

What sort of facial expression should you have if you want people to approach you?

In most cases, a gentle, pleasant smile should do the trick. Too much of a smile that never softens can look forced and nervous. A pleasant smile with a twinkle in your eyes will convey to other people the impression that chatting with you will be a pleasant experience.

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What to Do When People Don't Like You

Have you been trying hard to make friends with no good results to show for all of your efforts?

If it seems that you have been trying hard to make friends, but that other people still don want to be your friend, you may have come to the conclusion that there something wrong with you. That maybe you are basically unlikeable.

Many of us go through such torment of self doubt, especially during our teenage years, when teens are often the victims of vicious bullying from their peers for no reason at all.

If you feel as if the people you are trying to befriend don like you, the first thing you must do is to ask yourself: Do you have any real evidence that others don like you?

Or are you just imagining the worst because you are always very harsh with yourself?

People who have low self-esteem, or who are suffering from depression, are often convinced that others don like them, even when there is no evidence for their negative belief. People who have a poor self image can be surrounded by others who like them, care about them, and enjoy their company; yet because these people don believe they are worthy of being liked, they are convinced that no one else likes them either.

So, if you are feeling as if nobody likes you, try to find out if there is some real evidence that others don like you, or whether you are just being very negative in your opinion of yourself.

On the other hand, there are times when it not just your imagination that others don like you. It might be really true that most of the people you meet are consistently rejecting you, even when you make social overtures and try to be as friendly to them as possible.

There are many reasons this can happen.

You may have moved to a society where the people are very tight knit with each other, and they don open up to newcomers easily.

You might be surrounded by people who automatically dislike people of your particular religion, ethnic background, sexual orientation, skin color, or bodily appearance.

You may be surrounded by people who reject you because the clothes you wear are not the latest and most expensive fashion.

In high school years in particular, many teens are strongly conformist, and can be very cruel to those who seem to be different from the norm. Sadly, some people never grow out of the stage of judging others for trivial and superficial reasons.

If you are really are being rejected by others, it is important that you don make the situation worse by attacking yourself.

This will only make you feel worse, and will make you lose confidence in approaching new people in the future.

Saying negative things to yourself could start you on a downward spiral of self-doubt and self-hatred. Or you might turn your anger outwards in a spirit of bitterness and revenge towards other people. This is not a solution that will win you friends or peace of mind.

It also important to take a good, hard look at yourself and the way that you interact with other people. There may be specific behaviors that are causing others to dislike you, and these are behaviors which you can change.

Ask yourself the questions on this checklist. If it looks as if any of these behaviors are a problem for you, it very likely that if you change this behavior, that other people will like you better.

1. Are you always very negative and complaining all the time? Most people find this habit very annoying.

2. Do you actively participate in conversations with others? Or do you hold back and let other people do all the work in making conversation. If so, learn to improve your conversational skills so that talking with you is an experience that others look forward to.

3. Do you endlessly talk about yourself and show little interest in the people you are talking with? Other people will become bored with you very quickly if you seem only interested in yourself.

4. Do you try too hard to please others, always agreeing with everything that they say, and never having any opinions of your own? People won respect you if you don respect yourself.

5. Do you often say things that hurt the feelings of others and then say it was just a joke? Do you say mean things behind other people backs? No one will trust you if they think that you are basically an unkind person.

If you want to make other people your friends, it very important that you don give up on trying. Keep approaching people, keep trying to make conversation. Get rid of your bad social habits if they are getting in the way of friendship.

If you are being given the cold shoulder by many of the people you encounter, particularly in your school or workplace, keep looking elsewhere for people you can confide in and befriend. You can try in your church, in your community, and in your own family.

Work on developing the talents and good qualities within yourself so that you can appeal in a new way to other people with whom you will have more in common. Continue to actively search out other people who will like you and accept you.

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