Why Do People Lie?

Amanda and Ron had been married for six years and had two small children. I had counseled them during some difficult times in their marriage, but had not heard from them for a while. Then Amanda scheduled an emergency phone session with me. She was very upset.

 just found out that Ron been watching porno on the Internet and lying to me about it. I had thought this was going on a couple of weeks ago because of a site I found on the computer, but when I asked him about it, he denied it and explained it away. He is not too computer savvy ?he doesn know how to delete the sites - and today I found a number of sites he has visited. I can believe this! I very upset about the porno, but I devastated that he lied to me! I feel like the trust has gone out of our marriage, and without trust, what do we have? Why did he lie to me??
manda, how would you have responded if he had told you the truth??
 would have been really upset and disappointed in him. I probably would have gotten angry. We have a good sex life, so why is he using porno??
ell, he lied to you because he knew that this is the way you would have reacted. His lying is his way of controlling your reactions, and your anger is your way of controlling his behavior. As long as you get angry when you hear the truth, the chances are he will lie to you. As your children get older, they, too, will lie to you to avoid your anger and judgment. It takes a very strong person to tell the truth and deal with another anger and judgment, and Ron is not that strong. He is very afraid of your anger and judgment and will do anything to avoid it, including lying.?
re you saying it okay for him to lie to me??
o, I not saying it okay or not okay. I not making a value judgment about it. You asked why he lying and I telling you why. Lying is just another form of protection against pain, just as your anger is a form of protection against pain.?
o what do I do? How do I deal with this??
manda, you need to shift your intention from trying to control him to being open to learning about what is behind his behavior. From his point of view, there are some important reasons why he is using porno, and why he is lying about it. Trying to control him will only result in more lying and resistance, but wanting to learn can result in understanding and resolution. You need to approach him with caring and a desire to learn rather than with anger and judgment ?about both the porno and the lying. You would need to say something like, on, I know that you have been going to porno sites on the Internet. Please don lie about it anymore. I know there must be some good reasons you are doing this and I really want to understand what it about for you.?However, you have to be aware that the words themselves are less important than the intent behind them. If you say these same words with anger and judgment, he will be defensive. Don ask until you feel genuinely open and caring.?
Lying is always a form of control. Some people are pathological liars, having learned that they get a rush from manipulating others with lies. But most people lie when they are afraid of the consequences of telling the truth. Lying may be one end of a relationship system, with anger and judgment on the other end. Whether the relationship is a primary one between mates or between parents and children, or a relationship between friends or between co-workers, lying may be a part of it when fear of anger and judgment is an issue. Most people do not know how to handle another anger and judgment and may revert to being the child they were when they learned to lie to their parents to avoid punishment.

If you want to trust that people are not going to lie to you, then you need to shift your intention in your relationships from controlling to learning.

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To Be in the Moment Is A Thing of the Past

Once upon a time, around ten to twenty years ago, people believed that it was essential to be in the moment. People actually thought that the closer your lived in the present the more in touch with your senses you were. They truly believed that life was fleeting and therefore to experience life at it fullest it was necessary to experience all the sensory stimuli taking place around you.

That quaint notion today is ancient history. Being in the moment is a thing of our past, shelved as impractical and self-defeating. Today the moment is lost to the transformational vagaries of the Blackberry, the IPod and the ubiquitous cell phone. We are typing, talking and otherwise distracted as we proceed with our daily lives. We can neither drink a cup of coffee, nor walk down the street without an electronic device diluting the ambience.

We have stopped paying attention to our surroundings. When you stop paying attention to your surroundings, then you stop paying attention to all the things great and small that make up our lives. We are denying ourselves experience. We no longer fail to live in the moment; arguably it is difficult for most of us to even define what really constitutes that moment and how it affects our lives.

So if this is the case, then how do we define a fulfilling experience? Can we really say we are immersed in our environment if we are text messaging or talking to someone on our cell phone? Not really. Certainly there are important calls and business calls, but aren most calls a result of our inability to deal with our solitude?

How did this happen? Is it our love and infatuation with our relatively new electronic devices that drove us to a new dimension of consciousness? Perhaps there is more to it. It may be the pressures of the modern world have built up to unmanageable proportions. It is perhaps the anxiety of silence or the fear of spontaneity that has us clinging to our cell phones. Like ostriches we put our heads in the sand by turning to the predictable security of a familiar voice or text on a screen.

Or maybe there are better reasons than risk aversion. The world is not only a scary place; it also breeds banality and repetition. The last thing most of us need is more banality and repetition, so we dive into our electronics in order to avoid it. But in avoiding the downside of life in the present, we can also deny the magic that happens through observation and interaction. When we turn our backs on fate and serendipity, we exchange the chance of something wonderful happening for a dull and predictable routine. We leave it to the movies to cultivate our fantasies. We believe we will never meet our lover on the street, so why bother looking. It is easier to join an Internet forum or online dating service and call them up by category. It is dull, but it is easy. Why look up, when it is easier to look way?

To assess quality and value means you have to pay attention. You have to study things. But, obviously, when we are busy with your electronic distractions we don really pay attention. It is like the people we all know who travel to some exotic locale rich with architectural and cultural wonders, and the best they can do is tell you about the food.

Instead of really understanding the difference between quality and junk, we rely upon marketing and branding. It is through the purchase of labels and not necessary quality that we express our desire for the better things in life. We don make choices on what we buy, wear, eat or drive, based on artisan skills and the quality of design and engineering as much as a perceived status and branding. We leave it up to others to tell us what is good or right for us, and then we wonder why we feel frustrated and short changed. Sadly, we often choose our lovers and enter into relationships on the same basis.

Despite our best efforts to distract ourselves from living in the present, we can avoid actual human contact altogether. We still acknowledge underlying chemistry is at least part of the cause of attraction to others. We speak of pheromones and vibes and our sexual response to certain intangibles. Yet in spite of our instincts we eschew diversity and variety in favor of niche categories. We overlook the fine distinctions that make someone unique. We seek instead the behavior that makes them the same, that makes them easy to define through generic slogans and simple jargon. It makes us comfortable when we can pigeonhole the world and classify our lovers by assigning them to rudimentary categories.

With this as the modern base line as to how we judge things, you have to wonder if you really know the people you are thinking of dating. Of course you know them according to niche and preconception. They told you stuff about themselves, either through email or over the phone, perhaps over coffee or in a speed dating session. They told you about their tastes in food, clothes, fashion and what they do for a living. But do you really know them? Judging by the way we allow ourselves to be distracted from the moment, you probably don know them as well as you think.

Reason would stand if you are not really paying attention, then you are missing the tell tale signs of behavior. Tell tale signs can go either way. They can direct you to opportunity or reveal hidden dangers. If it opportunity, you miss out. If it danger, then you had better look out.

This may be why singles are using background checks to investigate the history of their potential lover. Considering the compressed time for meeting and evaluating, this seems like the smart thing to do. Otherwise, how do you know who you are really meeting on line? Are they really who they say they are? If you are a single parent and dating online or through speed dating services or agencies, you had better be sure Mr. Wonderful doesn prefer your children over you.

So, at the very least, protect yourself from your own inattention. Since you really haven been paying attention, when you meet someone you find interesting, before you start dating, order a background check. It always nice to know whether you are about to date Jumping Jack Flash or Jack the Ripper. A background check won tell you everything, but it will help you decide if they really are who they say they are. Hey, just think of it as branding.

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What The Point? Understanding Woman Speak

Women and men communicate differently with women being more verbal and vocal and men not so much. Women are also much more emotional and many would "argue" speak an entirely different language altogether. And some (okay, most) would insist that they encode what they mean or are trying to say behind frivolous words and phrases.

But, if you've got one of these beguiling creatures in you life, it's up to YOU to figure her out and figure out what she really means, especially if you want to keep the piece.

Sorry Situations: Just because she apologizes doesn't mean she thinks she was wrong (in fact she probably doesn't believe she was). All it really means is that she's initiating the reconciliation, and the LEAST she expects you to do is admit your faults and say youe sorry too.

Weighty Issues: Most women want and need to be affirmed and want to know that they are still attractive to their man. So, when she asks if she looks fat, she's simply fishing for compliments and wants to know you think of her as beautiful. Make sure your answer is honest BUT accentuates her attractiveness and her appeal (In fact, if you don't like how she looks, you may want to say, you look lovely in that but I tend to prefer you in a dress, or pants, or in that red outfit, etc)

Her Get Up and Go: She may start hinting that she tired or has lots to do tomorrow. She may even suggest that you stay behind and have a good time. Dude, that's you cue to get ready to go.

Kidding Around: She may be complimenting you sense of humor and your disposition with nieces and nephews, but in reality she wants to know your thoughts on kids, having some of your own, and how soon. Even if you don't foresee having children in the immediate future, keep in mind that ladies like to look ahead, well ahead, so, if you're not opposed to the idea (even if it is down the road) give her the answer she's fishing for, or come up with an equally indirect response of your own.

Fine And Seek: She gives every indication that there may be something wrong, but when you ask she assures you it's "nothing". Well guys, you just may be damned if you do and damned if you don't. If you take it at face value that everything is status quo, she'll continue being annoyed, but if do your job and identify the problem, you just may be in for a fight. But, remember she's WAITING for you to figure it out and to be given the chance to get it off her chest.

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To Trust or not to Trust !

Trust is something we learn as very small babies. We trust the first person that we bond with and it grows from there. Have you ever noticed how cool kids are? They trust every little thing we say. They rarely question us when we tell them something.

Believing our every word; and why not? They have not been exposed to mistrust yet, not that they would recognize it at such an early age.

Then they get older and come in contact with other children. This is when relationships begin., seperate from the familiar family relationships that they have grown to know as "normal". They begin to compare lifestyles with their friends and for some, this is when the first mistrust begins. They find out that it is not normal to be touched by people in their private parts. They find out that it is not normal to be beaten for doing something wrong. They find out that it is not normal to not be fed for a day or even two. They find that it is not normal to watch their dad hit their mom. They find lies, which gives birth to MISTRUST. Their lives turn an entire chapter at that point. They grow up somehow; suffering through the pain and loneliness of living with mistrust. For some they rise above it and use it as a learning tool. For others they become it; mistrusting everyone and everything. A small number of those people seek help and spend many hours and a great deal of energy trying to conquer it.

Then we have our jobs, we trust immediately anyone that has been there longer or that comes off as knowing more than us. We trust our bosses and our co-workers.

It is natural to trust as if we were babies all over again. With any new venture we yearn to trust.

When we first fall in love; What is that saying, "Love is Blind"? Ha! Now that's funny, because it really is blind. We trust so instantly and genuinely that we potentially set ourselves up for the biggest fall in our lives. Why is that? Is it because we are so driven by nature to want to trust someone? Or is trusting someone just a happier, easier, way of life.

Once a trust is breached, it creates a scar that has it's own heart and never goes away. We just learn to ignore its beat. We try to reorganize our minds and put it on the farthest burner we have. Some of us can do just that, while others cannot. For them life is not so easy. They find themselves thinking, should I trust or not? It's like they have to find proof and reason to trust, because their minds already mistrust. This is similar to the term "Guilty until proven innocent". For anyone out there that can relate to that, and I am sure there are many of you that do just that, life is hell.

If, lets say we love someone and they tell us one thing, and we keep getting mixed signals that stir up our mistrust thoughts, where do we go with that? Books tell us, that we are to trust the ones we love and that's it. And then, if our trust gets breached, and only then, can we be accurate with our mistrust. "Blah" I say! Oh and we're also told at the same time to trust our gut feelings. OK, I admit confusion here. I know this subject is really going to cut like a knife for some people and I will apologize now, but we have to deal with the reality of our lives. How else are we going to tackle our insecurities and get stronger. Our goal is to have a somewhat happy life. One that we can talk about to our grandchildren. We have to open our eyes and know what is going on in our wolds. If your relationship has had a breach of trust or if you have experienced mistrust earlier in your lives, then you already have a reason to feel insecure. Now that you know that, you can start to build up on that. Now you need to identify the exact core of it and toss it. Its old news and its over.

Start a whole new life as if being born again (for lack of a better phrase). I hear you already saying, "Easier said than done". I totally agree, but how many times have I said, "Anything worth having , does not come easy"? The answer is MANY. Life is not easy. We have to earned all our happiness. I have noticed, and I am guilty of this myself, that we are waiting for our lives to be happy. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about happiness and if I have realized anything at all, its that happiness is in you and your thinking and how you deal with every little thing. To Trust or not to Trust is in our control. If we choose not to trust, we open the door to all sorts of evil demons, such as jealousy, low self-esteem, anxiety, envy, selfishness, self-torture, worry, loneliness and just plain unhappiness. So when we feel that , "Trust or not trust" debate lurking in our minds, choose to not allow your mind to go that direction. Tell yourself, that you are an intelligent person and you know what is right and what is wrong right now. It'is now that you are living, not then, or the past. We are very good at deciding what we want to eat, right? Or where we want to vacation and spend tons of our hard earned money. So then why is it so hard for us to just change our train of thought? Let me tell you..HABITS!

Bad habits, and for any of you that have read my HABITS blog, then you know what I mean. So go back and read it again and again. I believe that if one really wants to change something, it CAN be changed. "Let your thoughts determine your goals and your goals determine your destiny" (something like that). We are all destined to be happy. We just have to focus on our goals.

Feeling mistrust definitely has been caused by something in our lives. We may never figure it out and some of us have already figured their reasons out. But for whatever the reason, it is a negative emotion and one we can surely do without. Work on it, then work on more trust and more love. When we can trust, love comes naturally and that always invites happiness. So there you have it! I have given you the steps; it is your responsibility to you to climb them. Again I have shared my thoughts with all of you. I would love to hear your thoughts, on anything I have shared with you here.

I take responsibility for my life.
I have the power to make things better.
I always have a choice.

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Young Love?

Here in the western world we are obsessed with youth. Our media is saturated with images of the young, beautiful and happy selling us products on the back of the promise that we will become like them if we should only buy this face cream or that car or this insurance policy. The fantastic and circular equation this fallacy is based on seems to be that youth=beauty=success=desirability=love=happiness=youth etc. One only has to look at our icons of romance to see the indelible link between youth and romance. In fact, two of our most famous romantic icons, Juliet and Pocahontas (as lauded by Peggy Lee in the classic love song 'Fever') were so young at the time of embarking on their turbulent romances that they would not, today, be considered of legal age. In amongst all this, ne could easily be left with the impression that beyond the age of thirty, all hope for romance is lost.

Happily this is not so! Our senior citizens are getting involved in the dating game in their droves. Actually in all probability they have been doing it for years but the older generation, certainly in Britain, are renowned for their discretion almost to the point of coyness. Luckily for social analysts and writers like myself, a convergence of recent phenomena makes it possible to now gain a much fuller impression of just what our seniors are getting up to!

Recent years have seen an explosion in the number of 'silver surfers', that is to say people of retirement age or above who are web literate to a greater or lesser extent and are making regular use of the Internet. The same period has seen a rapid growth in the online dating industry. The result of these two phenomena is that we can see quite plainly, looking at the figures, that it's definitely not just the young folks who are looking for love online. A recent study carried out by my company revealed over 14,000 active dating site users over the age of 65 compared to an average age group membership of just over 25,000. With numbers like this it's understandable that seniors are regarded as an important demographic by us in the online dating industry and hardly surprising that classes in Internet dating are springing up at places like the Pleasant Hill Senior Centre in Contra Costa, California.

With a population that is increasingly ageing as the baby boom generation reach their 60s and take a greater knowledge and awareness of current and developing technologies into their later years, it can only be expected that this phenomenon will increase. And so it should be! Why should the spring chickens get a monopoly on the joys of spring?

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Valentine Candle Gift Basket

Come Valentine Day and one can see chaos among lovers in selecting a gift for their partner. Valentine Candle Gift Basket can be one of your perfect gifts for your loving partner. With Valentine Candle Gift Basket you can easily communicate your love, emotion and care for your partner. The basket includes scented and non-scented candles, oil warmer, candle holder as well as non-candle products. Candles are one of the unique and pure gifts that you can give to your partner. With the help of Valentine Candle Gift Basket you can make your next valentine very special and memorable.

You may prefer your nearby Candle Gift Shop, but wait, this time why don't you purchase valentine candle gift basket online? Candle Gift Idea will surely enhance your valentine day. It is absolutely cheaper and has the quality of uniqueness. The gift basket varies as per your convenience and your budget. But the commodity that you get is absolutely designed for your satisfaction. You may have heard that candle is a symbol of truth and faith. So why don't you present candle gift basket to your dear ones?

Each Valentine Candle Gift Basket is designed uniquely so as to communicate your feelings. The candle's shape and categories also varies if you wish for. The valentine candle gift basket that you receive through the online services is one of the top collections and has an excellent fragrance quality with superb candles and holders. Each basket is wrapped nicely and carries a message that you want to communicate.

The candle when burn creates romantic and lovely atmosphere that one desires for. It is the best opportunity to pamper your partner with unique valentine candle gift basket and to light your future. The valentine candles, which are offered in gift basket is manufactured by reputed manufacture and have delicate and unique designs.

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Wedding Invitations to Set the Tone for Your Wedding Party

As we all know wedding is the most auspicious moment in someone life. Everyone in this world has got a hidden desire to get married. People plan a lot for their wedding party to accomplish it with style. They even don hesitate to spend a good amount on their wedding. Bride and groom are always seems to be curious before the wedding date. But due to the burdens of arranging wedding stuffs sometimes we miss something really important.

The wedding invitations are the essential part of a wedding. Now-a-days people do feel its importance before going for the necessary wedding arrangements. Wedding invitations are the best way to set the tone for a wedding straightaway. These are significant in various ways to set the platform for a successful wedding ceremony. This is because the bride or groom may have a little touch with their wedding guests. Since most of the wedding guests are distant family or family friends the bride or the groom needs to inform them all about their wedding venues, the time set for the wedding and lot of facts related to their wedding ceremony. Wedding invitations are just perfect to mention all those needful stuffs in an orderly and attractive manner. In a wedding invitation you can mention about the time when and where the wedding is going to occur or where the venue set for the wedding party etc is.

These days many people love to arrange theme wedding. So you can too mention the dress code for your wedding party in your wedding invitation. You can always make your wedding invitation a memorable one by putting necessary information in a crystal clear way. So that your guest are not going to bother about anything related to your wedding. Simultaneously they can feel that they are being invited to the most memorable wedding party in their lifetime.

Above all, selection of wedding invitations plays a significant part. Its really matter! You need to check out your budget and need. These days you can find several wedding invitations in the market that just made as per your budget and requirements. There are many sites online that deal in wedding invitations. They got a good collection of wedding invitations for your purpose and you can always view those collections online. As the trend and attraction of Internet going high in today world, websites that deals with wedding invitations are the best place for you to grab the stuff. It easy and most importantly affordable.

For more details please visit: http://www.dependableprinting.com/

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