Abuse for many couples starts of very subtle and are taken for granted as the person having a bad day only to amplify to the point that it is difficult to get out of the abusive relationship.
See the signs
You may have see the signs but choose to ignore it hoping that with time things will change and the person will be more understanding because of the love they have for you.
Do you feel the other is right?
In many abusive relationships the person who is being abuse feels that the abuser is right because they have come to trust the other and give up their power to the abuser.
You may say to yourself that the other person cares for you and knowing that you would like the relationship to be how it was in the beginning because you felt the other person understood you and showed how much they cared for you.
Is the person controlling how much you eat?
Is the person in your life controlling how much you eat because they want you to be a certain weight?
Do you feel that they are right to control your weight otherwise you will forget and over eat because you do not have the ability to do so on your own?
Controlling where you go
If you find that your partner is controlling where you go, where, what, when and with whom, then you are giving up your power your identity to another.
You may feel if you do not check in that your partner will not love you or that others will be hurt on account of you is no way to live your life in fear.
Do you have difficulty stating your needs?
Do you have difficulty stating your need in the relationship for fear that you would be put down or not taken seriously if yes then there is a problem in your relationship.
Refuse to change
You may feel that the person that you once fell in love with will want to put you first and make the relationship work only to see this is not through and yet you hold out hoping that the person will come around.
You got married and you agreed for better or for worst and you decided to stick it out hoping the person will come around, you are seeing how it is affecting your children and how it has an effect on them because you grew up in an environment like this and you still refuse to change.
It takes courage
You may be afraid to make a move because you do not know where to go because you do not have money for you and your children.
Reaching out to neighbors can help, calling on government agencies and private shelters are here to help you get back on your feet.
This is the time for you to reach out for help, you are not a failure because you ask for help, it takes courage to face an abusive person and walk away for all that mind controlling that takes place.
Conclusion : When you are in an abusive relationship it is hard to see your way through it because of the mind control your abuser has on you yet it is not impossible to break the bond with courage and persistence.
Showing posts with label Trouble Relationship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Trouble Relationship. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Jealousy Destroying Your Relationship
Jealousy is a common problem that couples present when they go to counseling. When one partner chooses jealous behaviors, the dynamics of the relationship change. They are no longer a couple in an Adult Relationship.
Now they are caught in a cycle of Investigator and Suspect. The Investigator spends an enormous amount of energy checking up on the Suspect, who may or may not be doing anything reprehensible. The Suspect spends time defending and explaining his/her behaviors. They are locked in a pattern which will destroy their relationship and they usually don’t what to do.
Both partners are miserable playing this game. The game is all about Control. "If I don’t check up on her, she'll make me look stupid" or "He'll make a fool of me." People who choose jealous behaviors may not realize that their behavior looks pretty silly or even crazy. Their partner didn't "make" them look stupid.
I was actually told by several women that "all men cheat." If this is your belief, you are probably an Investigator. Problem is: you have to sleep sometime. You can’t chain yourself to your partner. You have decided that you alone are capable of controlling your partner’s behavior. What’s more, you've decided it's your Job as his partner to keep him from cheating on you.
What a way to live your life, spending your time spying on each other! Trust is a decision. It’s not based on how the other person acts. If you choose to stay with a partner who is not trustworthy, you are doing so with your eyes open. If you are choosing jealousy without cause, you are doing so to control your partner.
The very things you do to control your partner are the things that will drive your partner away. Are you ready to try something different?
Keep in mind that jealous behavior is a choice you are making. It starts with your thoughts: I wonder where he is. She’s probably with someone right now. Why didn't he call me when he said he would? Why is she wearing that dress? Who was that woman who called him?
These thoughts lead to your behaviors, such as calling excessively (read, more than twice during work hours), listening in on phone conversations, checking phone lists and emails, interrogating your partner, and many other destructive behaviors.
You begin to feel awful after imagining all of the things your partner is doing (these are thoughts; you can change them). You can also change your behaviors if you choose to. If jealously is destroying your relationship, there is hope if you are willing to do the work.
First, if you're with someone who is trustworthy, you can change the thoughts that are plaguing you. Whenever you get those thoughts that start your heart racing, ask yourself the following questions:
What evidence is there that my thought is true?What evidence is there that my thought is false?What would someone else say about this thought?What other explanation could there be?
After you answer these questions, decide what new course of action you will take based on this exercise. Repeat this as often as needed. Hopefully, you will soon find yourself feeling calmer and less ready to play the Investigator and Suspect game.
Now they are caught in a cycle of Investigator and Suspect. The Investigator spends an enormous amount of energy checking up on the Suspect, who may or may not be doing anything reprehensible. The Suspect spends time defending and explaining his/her behaviors. They are locked in a pattern which will destroy their relationship and they usually don’t what to do.
Both partners are miserable playing this game. The game is all about Control. "If I don’t check up on her, she'll make me look stupid" or "He'll make a fool of me." People who choose jealous behaviors may not realize that their behavior looks pretty silly or even crazy. Their partner didn't "make" them look stupid.
I was actually told by several women that "all men cheat." If this is your belief, you are probably an Investigator. Problem is: you have to sleep sometime. You can’t chain yourself to your partner. You have decided that you alone are capable of controlling your partner’s behavior. What’s more, you've decided it's your Job as his partner to keep him from cheating on you.
What a way to live your life, spending your time spying on each other! Trust is a decision. It’s not based on how the other person acts. If you choose to stay with a partner who is not trustworthy, you are doing so with your eyes open. If you are choosing jealousy without cause, you are doing so to control your partner.
The very things you do to control your partner are the things that will drive your partner away. Are you ready to try something different?
Keep in mind that jealous behavior is a choice you are making. It starts with your thoughts: I wonder where he is. She’s probably with someone right now. Why didn't he call me when he said he would? Why is she wearing that dress? Who was that woman who called him?
These thoughts lead to your behaviors, such as calling excessively (read, more than twice during work hours), listening in on phone conversations, checking phone lists and emails, interrogating your partner, and many other destructive behaviors.
You begin to feel awful after imagining all of the things your partner is doing (these are thoughts; you can change them). You can also change your behaviors if you choose to. If jealously is destroying your relationship, there is hope if you are willing to do the work.
First, if you're with someone who is trustworthy, you can change the thoughts that are plaguing you. Whenever you get those thoughts that start your heart racing, ask yourself the following questions:
What evidence is there that my thought is true?What evidence is there that my thought is false?What would someone else say about this thought?What other explanation could there be?
After you answer these questions, decide what new course of action you will take based on this exercise. Repeat this as often as needed. Hopefully, you will soon find yourself feeling calmer and less ready to play the Investigator and Suspect game.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Tips on How to Get My Girlfriend to Trust Me Again
Once bitten, twice shy should be the feeling that your girlfriend is having now. Are you trying to get your girlfriend to trust you again after she found out that you have been unfaithful or lying to her? I know you must be feeling very vexed now because you are serious to change your attitude this time round. It is not easy and it may just take a bit of your time to get your girlfriend to trust you again. Here are some of the simple tips on how to get my girlfriend to trust me again.
- Be patient
You should know being unfaithful is an unacceptable act in any relationship. If you want to know how to get my girlfriend to trust me again, you have to assure her again and again. You just need to be very patient in telling her about your things slowly.
- Be honest all the time
Tell her the truth all the time. Even if you are going out with a girl, let her know or perhaps you should even bring her along to see your friends. As she may have lost her sense of security and trust in you, you should try to put in effort in explaining who you are going out with. At least, you can build the trust again bit by bit.
- Have a clean cut off with the woman that you have an affair with
If you are sincere to learn how to get my girlfriend to trust me again and to be frank, you really need to cut off all your connections with the woman that you have an affair with. Not even calling on the phone. As your girlfriend will become more alert in every of your movement, she may even get paranoid when you talk to her even though you know you have nothing with her anymore but sometimes building a good relationship just does not permits that.
- Be yourself
Be as natural as possible, try not to quarrel over issues about trust anymore. Let her know that you are still the same old guy that she loves.
Being honest in a relationship is the most important criteria to build trust. The proven tactics on How To Get My Girlfriend To Trust Me Again can help to win back her trust again. I am sure you can turn your relationship into a happy and long lasting one soon. I wish you good luck and all the best in your relationship!
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Is Jealousy Destroying Your Relationship?
Jealousy is a common problem that couples present when they go to counseling. When one partner chooses jealous behaviors, the dynamics of the relationship change. They are no longer a couple in an Adult Relationship.
Now they are caught in a cycle of Investigator and Suspect. The Investigator spends an enormous amount of energy checking up on the Suspect, who may or may not be doing anything reprehensible. The Suspect spends time defending and explaining his/her behaviors. They are locked in a pattern which will destroy their relationship and they usually don’t what to do.
Both partners are miserable playing this game. The game is all about Control. "If I don’t check up on her, she'll make me look stupid" or "He'll make a fool of me." People who choose jealous behaviors may not realize that their behavior looks pretty silly or even crazy. Their partner didn't "make" them look stupid.
I was actually told by several women that "all men cheat." If this is your belief, you are probably an Investigator. Problem is: you have to sleep sometime. You can’t chain yourself to your partner. You have decided that you alone are capable of controlling your partner’s behavior. What’s more, you've decided it's your Job as his partner to keep him from cheating on you.
What a way to live your life, spending your time spying on each other! Trust is a decision. It’s not based on how the other person acts. If you choose to stay with a partner who is not trustworthy, you are doing so with your eyes open. If you are choosing jealousy without cause, you are doing so to control your partner.
The very things you do to control your partner are the things that will drive your partner away. Are you ready to try something different?
Keep in mind that jealous behavior is a choice you are making. It starts with your thoughts: I wonder where he is. She’s probably with someone right now. Why didn't he call me when he said he would? Why is she wearing that dress? Who was that woman who called him?
These thoughts lead to your behaviors, such as calling excessively (read, more than twice during work hours), listening in on phone conversations, checking phone lists and emails, interrogating your partner, and many other destructive behaviors.
You begin to feel awful after imagining all of the things your partner is doing (these are thoughts; you can change them). You can also change your behaviors if you choose to. If jealously is destroying your relationship, there is hope if you are willing to do the work.
First, if you're with someone who is trustworthy, you can change the thoughts that are plaguing you. Whenever you get those thoughts that start your heart racing, ask yourself the following questions:
What evidence is there that my thought is true?What evidence is there that my thought is false?What would someone else say about this thought?What other explanation could there be?
After you answer these questions, decide what new course of action you will take based on this exercise. Repeat this as often as needed. Hopefully, you will soon find yourself feeling calmer and less ready to play the Investigator and Suspect game.
Dating a Victim of Domestic Violence
Her abusive boyfriend from the past cheated, lied, robbed, raped, abused, and misused her. When you first laid eyes on this gorgeous woman, the last thing you thought was you would be inheriting her wounds from yesteryear. Yet, you did and now you feel at times stuck with both his and her mess. You aren't ready to break up with this woman you love, but you can't see a future with her either. So what do you do about this past baggage that tends to show up on days that you think everything is perfectly okay? The following tips should help you get some peace of mind, reach a decision about the relationship, and help you help her to heal.
There is a big difference between a woman who calls herself a victim of domestic violence and one who calls herself a survivor. The survivor most likely has evolved from her experience and shows no signs of having ever been a victim. She has received the support she needed to move on and has taken the necessary changes to live her life to the fullest. However, a victim has not, will not, or doesn't know how to get pass the experience. She may even still call herself, "a victim." Somehow she continues to play the victim in her words and actions with every challenge that comes before her. She hasn't bothered to get the help she needs, and you may be her only counselor.
Women who have been abused don't necessarily get over everything they have gone through in the past. Some of the residue still remains. She may have some strange behaviors that tend to pop up every now and then. If he robbed her, she is possessive about her belongings. If he raped her, then she may have sexual problems. If he choked or smothered her, she may have problems sleeping at night or you touching, staring, or standing over her her while she sleeps. If he lied about his whereabouts a lot, then she will be bothered when you don't say where you are going and how long you will be gone. If he cheated, then she won't trust you when you say "...that woman is just a friend." If he kept her from seeing or talking to family or friends, then she now feels obligated to tell them everything and not pass up an opportunity to attend a family gathering. If he expected her to report to him about everything she does, then she may tell you more than you ever needed or wanted to know or do the complete opposite and appear secretive. If he beat her, then she may flinch if you playfully try to grab her. These are only a small list of some of the things that trigger her misunderstood behaviors.
Nicholl McGuire
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Warning Signs of an Affair in Your Marriage
There are many warning signs of an affair in a marriage and if you suspect that your spouse is being unfaithful, you'll want proof. People embroiled in adulterous affairs often think they are too clever to be caught, but everyone lets things slip at some point. If you are married to someone who you think may have taken on a lover outside of your marriage, look for these signals that indicate that they are no longer being faithful to you.
One of the most obvious signs of an affair is a change in intimacy within the marriage. At first thought you may believe that someone who is cheating is going to want to be intimate less often. That's actually not always the case. In fact, many men and women who are sleeping with someone else will actually want to make love more often with their spouse. This may be to overcompensate for the guilt they are feeling. If your spouse's interest in sex with you has changed, that's a sign that something else may be at play within your marriage.
The most common form of communication these days is the cell phone. If you suspect that your spouse isn't being faithful pay special attention to their cell phone behavior. It's much safer, in the eyes of the adulterer, to have their lover call their cell. Therefore one of the signs of an affair in your marriage is how your spouse handles those calls. If they repeatedly excuse themselves to use the phone, they are having conversations they don't want you to hear. Also pay more attention at how often they simply ignore calls. If it's happening often chances are good that it's their lover calling and since you are present your spouse obviously can't take that call.
It's often hard to know whether your spouse is indeed committing adultery. Many people can have a long term affair without anyone suspecting a thing. In fact, sixty percent of married men and forty percent of married women will be unfaithful. For telltale signs of a cheating spouse, and how to get irrefutable and undeniable proof of the affair within moments visit this helpful site.
Although the aftermath of finding out whether or not your spouse is cheating can be devastating, it's much better to know. You owe it to yourself and your children to know the truth.
One of the most obvious signs of an affair is a change in intimacy within the marriage. At first thought you may believe that someone who is cheating is going to want to be intimate less often. That's actually not always the case. In fact, many men and women who are sleeping with someone else will actually want to make love more often with their spouse. This may be to overcompensate for the guilt they are feeling. If your spouse's interest in sex with you has changed, that's a sign that something else may be at play within your marriage.
The most common form of communication these days is the cell phone. If you suspect that your spouse isn't being faithful pay special attention to their cell phone behavior. It's much safer, in the eyes of the adulterer, to have their lover call their cell. Therefore one of the signs of an affair in your marriage is how your spouse handles those calls. If they repeatedly excuse themselves to use the phone, they are having conversations they don't want you to hear. Also pay more attention at how often they simply ignore calls. If it's happening often chances are good that it's their lover calling and since you are present your spouse obviously can't take that call.
It's often hard to know whether your spouse is indeed committing adultery. Many people can have a long term affair without anyone suspecting a thing. In fact, sixty percent of married men and forty percent of married women will be unfaithful. For telltale signs of a cheating spouse, and how to get irrefutable and undeniable proof of the affair within moments visit this helpful site.
Although the aftermath of finding out whether or not your spouse is cheating can be devastating, it's much better to know. You owe it to yourself and your children to know the truth.
Free Tips on How to Know If Your Spouse is Lying to You
Often people feel that their spouse is completely loyal to them because they just don't feel that their spouse can ever cheat on them until it's too late. You see it all starts with doubts and if you don't follow your gut feeling then you might be setting yourself up for tremendous pain. Cheating always tends to start with lies and you can easily catch lies as long as you know the underground ways to really spot a lie in action. The issue is that most people out there don't really know the ways to catch the lie due to which they often stay in relationships where they are constantly being lied to. Read on to discover some of the most effective ways to easily spot a liar.....
Their emotions would seem fake- Does it seem like your spouse is putting on fake emotions when they talk to you? A very obvious indication of fake emotions would be showing very loud expressions on issues which really aren't that big and at the same time maybe showing no reaction at all when normally they would react. Their emotions would more or less not match their words which would be a very obvious give away.
Are they giving you too much unnecessary detail? - This is another very clear sign that you are actually being lied to. You see no matter how good the liar might be he/she always has some doubts about himself/herself when they are lying to you. Therefore in order to cover their fear they would start explaining everything in detail even when there is no such detail required.
Are they just talking too much? - This is another sign of a liar? A liar would start filling in the space with unnecessary conversation because they just want to cover all corners. You see lying makes a normal person do strange things therefore if your spouse doesn't really talk that much and has started talking too much all of a sudden then there is something wrong for sure.
The best possible way to catch your cheating spouse- Do you know that there are some stunning tricks using which you can catch a cheating spouse within seconds? These ways are so effective that they are guaranteed to reveal the truth and end all the lies within seconds.....
Their emotions would seem fake- Does it seem like your spouse is putting on fake emotions when they talk to you? A very obvious indication of fake emotions would be showing very loud expressions on issues which really aren't that big and at the same time maybe showing no reaction at all when normally they would react. Their emotions would more or less not match their words which would be a very obvious give away.
Are they giving you too much unnecessary detail? - This is another very clear sign that you are actually being lied to. You see no matter how good the liar might be he/she always has some doubts about himself/herself when they are lying to you. Therefore in order to cover their fear they would start explaining everything in detail even when there is no such detail required.
Are they just talking too much? - This is another sign of a liar? A liar would start filling in the space with unnecessary conversation because they just want to cover all corners. You see lying makes a normal person do strange things therefore if your spouse doesn't really talk that much and has started talking too much all of a sudden then there is something wrong for sure.
The best possible way to catch your cheating spouse- Do you know that there are some stunning tricks using which you can catch a cheating spouse within seconds? These ways are so effective that they are guaranteed to reveal the truth and end all the lies within seconds.....
Free Successful Relationships Tips
The inevitable form of human life is relationships. Every living being is bound by some relation; be it a plant, an animal, or a human being. God has acted wisely to make relationships so that there should be a mutual cooperation amongst His creation. But the term has undergone a drastic change and many relationships are now at a verge to break or have broken. Why there are problems in relations? Why the present state of almost all relationships is grim? Often we try to find out answers, but unfortunately don’t realize that the actual cause is nothing but our own disruptions, stress, and conflicts that we face in our day to day life.
God has manifested a pure form of love completely in human relationships, but human beings often fail to recognize it because of their self centeredness. Now, the question arises how to get successful relationships. The answer is not difficult. It is very easy to get along with most people by trying to understand them with certain psychological facts. We all have feelings, so it is not a hard task to find a right person for your life. We are all willingly or reluctantly bound by the laws of nature and human psychology, so the only important thing is observation, patience, and accepting denials. We don’t like denials of any kind that is the major hindrance for the success of relationships.
To add more, we often behave indifferently because we have experienced trauma or neglect in our past lives. Infact, we analyze or evaluate others by our past experiences. These experiences sometimes do not allow us to deal with good people because we do not want to accept their goodness as we see them in the same light. Therefore, it is essential to introspect and try to limit our perception of people through our past experiences; negative and positive.
Of course, we have to think of the remedy for ourselves and others associated with us, if we really intend to have successful relationships. We should have that kind of emotional intelligence that ensures self-awareness and complete understanding of others. This is the only way, we can really manage relationships. If you want to get best out of a relation, it is better to know that honest and faith plays a vital role in the smooth running of a relation.
It doesn’t matter if the relation is between married couples, family members, lovers, mother and child, best friends or business partners; the main objective of a relationship is to yield the highest good and to eliminate the frictions. This can nourish great relationships. We should recognize their importance in our lives. Why they are in our lives? What we can get from them in real terms? Why we need to grow in our relationships? What we have to learn from them? All these questions definitely will help people to value their relationships and avoid the roadblocks that are likely to hit them. We have to grow in them, rather than cribbing about them all the time.
God has manifested a pure form of love completely in human relationships, but human beings often fail to recognize it because of their self centeredness. Now, the question arises how to get successful relationships. The answer is not difficult. It is very easy to get along with most people by trying to understand them with certain psychological facts. We all have feelings, so it is not a hard task to find a right person for your life. We are all willingly or reluctantly bound by the laws of nature and human psychology, so the only important thing is observation, patience, and accepting denials. We don’t like denials of any kind that is the major hindrance for the success of relationships.
To add more, we often behave indifferently because we have experienced trauma or neglect in our past lives. Infact, we analyze or evaluate others by our past experiences. These experiences sometimes do not allow us to deal with good people because we do not want to accept their goodness as we see them in the same light. Therefore, it is essential to introspect and try to limit our perception of people through our past experiences; negative and positive.
Of course, we have to think of the remedy for ourselves and others associated with us, if we really intend to have successful relationships. We should have that kind of emotional intelligence that ensures self-awareness and complete understanding of others. This is the only way, we can really manage relationships. If you want to get best out of a relation, it is better to know that honest and faith plays a vital role in the smooth running of a relation.
It doesn’t matter if the relation is between married couples, family members, lovers, mother and child, best friends or business partners; the main objective of a relationship is to yield the highest good and to eliminate the frictions. This can nourish great relationships. We should recognize their importance in our lives. Why they are in our lives? What we can get from them in real terms? Why we need to grow in our relationships? What we have to learn from them? All these questions definitely will help people to value their relationships and avoid the roadblocks that are likely to hit them. We have to grow in them, rather than cribbing about them all the time.
Free Tips on How To Fix Broken Relationships
If you are in a relationship that's not working right now at work or home, you're hardly alone. It happens. The question is what are you going to do about it? Some of us get lazy. Rather than roll up our sleeves and get busy, we put on our running shoes instead. We race from one job to another, one relationship to another, only to end up in a similar mess each time. Others of us bury our heads in the sand, in the vain hope that our difficulties will miraculously disappear. Usually, it's the relationship (and sometimes the job) that disappears instead. In either case, we tend to rationalize our part in it all: Well, what could I do? That's just the way men/women/bosses/employees/co-workers/jobs-in-general are.
Here's what you could do: I'm going to give you five tools; five ideas and steps on how to retrieve your ring from the rubble of broken relationships at work and home. The ring represents the opportunity to build better relationships. The rubble represents the hurt, frustration and pain we all have to dig through from time to time. These tools will help you fix your relationships, if you apply them to yourself. Please note: You can't fix anyone else! If you want others to pick up these tools, then be a role model and pick them up first.
1. Preventive maintenance: Treat those you know best like strangers. Often we treat perfect strangers better than we treat the people we live and work with everyday. Kind of crazy when you think about it, so here's the first tool to try: treat those you know best like strangers. That means being polite, regularly saying please and thank you, and perhaps biting your tongue occasionally. It means doing the little things that can make a big difference, like dressing nicely at home, not just at work; holding doors open; making eye contact; smiling; and picking up after your self, instead of complaining about those who leave the kitchen or break room a mess. Extending common courtesies to all is akin to preventive maintenance: it sustains relationships before they break, thereby reducing the need for extensive (and maybe expensive) repairs later.
2. Swallow your pride and learn how to say 'I'm sorry.' For some of us, this one is hard to do. For all of us, it's incredibly important. Grievances, imagined or not, remain unresolved when we can't, or don't, chose to express remorse for our part in helping to create them. All manner of things may get in our way of saying we're sorry: ego; a need to be right; ignorance; and arrogance. In addition, in The Five Languages of Apology, authors Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas point out that sometimes, even though we may think we've apologized, we haven't been understood. They teach us that we all have an apology language: some need to hear "I'm sorry." For others, words mean little; it's action that counts. We have to learn what our language of apology is, and what language others speak, to be effective in this arena. Learning to say 'I'm sorry' is a skill that can be learned: learn it.
3. Repeating your point won't get you heard, but listening to theirs will. Often, we scream at each other across the rubble that divides us, versus working to collectively remove it. We get so caught up in our need to justify our actions, prove others wrong, and to dazzle with our logic that we lose track of the outcome we are after - a stronger relationship. You already know your point of view. Repeating it over and over (or louder and louder) is not likely going to make others suddenly agree with you. In fact, just the opposite is more likely: They'll argue with you even if they agree with what you're saying! As Stephen Covey taught us in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People we should seek first to understand, then to be understood. Most of us will listen if we feel heard. So ask questions. Listen to their answers. Ask questions to understand, not judge. Regular use of this tool will help keep small relationship problems from escalating into bigger ones, and help to more quickly resolve those that may already have.
4. Figure out who wants it more and then let go. Usually, like a stream carving a canyon, it's the little things that wear relationships down over time. Whether its fights at home over a messy household, or fussing at work about keeping the break room or workstation tidy, these minor nuisances play a major role in decaying goodwill over time. When there is a disagreement about how to go about something, e.g. whether to fly or drive for vacation, whether to visit or call the client, go with the person who has the most energy over the issue. If it matters more to them than you, do it their way. Stop turning pebbles into boulders. If both parties in a relationship use this tool, it helps maintain equanimity over time. Neither of you will feel like you have to always give in, or play a game of tit for tat. By definition, you'll only be letting go of stuff that in the end does not matter as much to you as it does to them, so what's the difference? Let it go.
Have goals together and you'll grow together. Relationships are dynamic, moving, changing organisms, because people are. When we stop growing together, that's when we start dying together. It's easy to fall into relationship ruts. We assume we know everything there is to know about someone and we stop learning, or even paying attention, to who they are now. If they change or grow, we don't notice. If their skill set expands at work it's invisible to us. It's like being in relationship with a picture of a person, rather than with the person themselves. Having a purpose, a goal, a challenge you are pursuing together, will help maintain forward momentum in all of your relationships. Focusing on setting goals and meeting challenges together renders rubble as incidental. Pursuing mutual goals may even transform rubble into stepping-stones that lead to personal growth, enhanced mutual understanding and a shared sacrifice that ultimately draws you closer together.
A Final Word
Relationships, like all living things, need to be nurtured and replenished over time. Stop tending your garden and the weeds will grow; so too in your relationships. And, most importantly, if you have a relationship that needs some work, look in the mirror. That's where the healing and the work need to begin.
Here's what you could do: I'm going to give you five tools; five ideas and steps on how to retrieve your ring from the rubble of broken relationships at work and home. The ring represents the opportunity to build better relationships. The rubble represents the hurt, frustration and pain we all have to dig through from time to time. These tools will help you fix your relationships, if you apply them to yourself. Please note: You can't fix anyone else! If you want others to pick up these tools, then be a role model and pick them up first.
1. Preventive maintenance: Treat those you know best like strangers. Often we treat perfect strangers better than we treat the people we live and work with everyday. Kind of crazy when you think about it, so here's the first tool to try: treat those you know best like strangers. That means being polite, regularly saying please and thank you, and perhaps biting your tongue occasionally. It means doing the little things that can make a big difference, like dressing nicely at home, not just at work; holding doors open; making eye contact; smiling; and picking up after your self, instead of complaining about those who leave the kitchen or break room a mess. Extending common courtesies to all is akin to preventive maintenance: it sustains relationships before they break, thereby reducing the need for extensive (and maybe expensive) repairs later.
2. Swallow your pride and learn how to say 'I'm sorry.' For some of us, this one is hard to do. For all of us, it's incredibly important. Grievances, imagined or not, remain unresolved when we can't, or don't, chose to express remorse for our part in helping to create them. All manner of things may get in our way of saying we're sorry: ego; a need to be right; ignorance; and arrogance. In addition, in The Five Languages of Apology, authors Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas point out that sometimes, even though we may think we've apologized, we haven't been understood. They teach us that we all have an apology language: some need to hear "I'm sorry." For others, words mean little; it's action that counts. We have to learn what our language of apology is, and what language others speak, to be effective in this arena. Learning to say 'I'm sorry' is a skill that can be learned: learn it.
3. Repeating your point won't get you heard, but listening to theirs will. Often, we scream at each other across the rubble that divides us, versus working to collectively remove it. We get so caught up in our need to justify our actions, prove others wrong, and to dazzle with our logic that we lose track of the outcome we are after - a stronger relationship. You already know your point of view. Repeating it over and over (or louder and louder) is not likely going to make others suddenly agree with you. In fact, just the opposite is more likely: They'll argue with you even if they agree with what you're saying! As Stephen Covey taught us in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People we should seek first to understand, then to be understood. Most of us will listen if we feel heard. So ask questions. Listen to their answers. Ask questions to understand, not judge. Regular use of this tool will help keep small relationship problems from escalating into bigger ones, and help to more quickly resolve those that may already have.
4. Figure out who wants it more and then let go. Usually, like a stream carving a canyon, it's the little things that wear relationships down over time. Whether its fights at home over a messy household, or fussing at work about keeping the break room or workstation tidy, these minor nuisances play a major role in decaying goodwill over time. When there is a disagreement about how to go about something, e.g. whether to fly or drive for vacation, whether to visit or call the client, go with the person who has the most energy over the issue. If it matters more to them than you, do it their way. Stop turning pebbles into boulders. If both parties in a relationship use this tool, it helps maintain equanimity over time. Neither of you will feel like you have to always give in, or play a game of tit for tat. By definition, you'll only be letting go of stuff that in the end does not matter as much to you as it does to them, so what's the difference? Let it go.
Have goals together and you'll grow together. Relationships are dynamic, moving, changing organisms, because people are. When we stop growing together, that's when we start dying together. It's easy to fall into relationship ruts. We assume we know everything there is to know about someone and we stop learning, or even paying attention, to who they are now. If they change or grow, we don't notice. If their skill set expands at work it's invisible to us. It's like being in relationship with a picture of a person, rather than with the person themselves. Having a purpose, a goal, a challenge you are pursuing together, will help maintain forward momentum in all of your relationships. Focusing on setting goals and meeting challenges together renders rubble as incidental. Pursuing mutual goals may even transform rubble into stepping-stones that lead to personal growth, enhanced mutual understanding and a shared sacrifice that ultimately draws you closer together.
A Final Word
Relationships, like all living things, need to be nurtured and replenished over time. Stop tending your garden and the weeds will grow; so too in your relationships. And, most importantly, if you have a relationship that needs some work, look in the mirror. That's where the healing and the work need to begin.
Free Tips with 5 Ways to Save Your Relationship
Even though some breakups seem to come out of the blue, it can be just as painful, or even more so, when you and your partner no longer love one another. Is compromising or budging something neither of you will do because your are both equally bull-headed? If you have that dreaded feeling that a break-up is around the corner, there are several things you can do in order to try to save the relationship.
1. Put an end to the blame game.
The blame often goes to the other partner when the relationship starts to sour. He never pays attention to what I say. She is always so cold towards me. Couldn't he do something nice for me once in a while? I might do more for her if she would just quit nagging me. Blaming the other party only causes defensiveness and does nothing to help the relationship. Begin to accept your partner for who they are instead complaining about who they are not.
2. Lose the neediness.
It is not healthy to always want your partner around to do things. One of the main reasons couples break up is dependency issues. You should understand that personal time away from each other is normal and healthy. If you want to be with your partner all of the time, take the hint -- you need to find some outside interests.
3. Do you communicate?
Communication is the key to a good relationship. When you find that the only way you communicate is through arguments, sarcastic comments, and snide remarks, it's time to stop because you are not communicating, you are merely being demeaning and disrespectful. Why speak to someone you love that way when you would not speak that way to your friends or colleagues?
4. Quit paying mind to false convictions.
Do you imagine negative scenarios related to what your partner is thinking about or doing? Are you listening to those voices in your head that tell you that your partner doesn't care when they do not drop everything the minute you need them? By listening to false beliefs you only poison your view of reality.
5. Do you listen well?
Do you pay attention to and take an interest in your partner's interests? Do you give them a fair chance by listening to their side of any disagreements you have? Sometimes the need to be right causes us to stop listening. When a problem comes up, try to talk in a normal voice and listen to what your partner has to say. You could be missing out on something very important -- and no, you do not always know everything.
There are some relationships that will never change, even if you follow the advice outlined here. If that is the case, then your relationship is really suffering and you probably need some time away from each other. Use this time to achieve clarity about your situation so you can finally make a decision as to what you really want.
1. Put an end to the blame game.
The blame often goes to the other partner when the relationship starts to sour. He never pays attention to what I say. She is always so cold towards me. Couldn't he do something nice for me once in a while? I might do more for her if she would just quit nagging me. Blaming the other party only causes defensiveness and does nothing to help the relationship. Begin to accept your partner for who they are instead complaining about who they are not.
2. Lose the neediness.
It is not healthy to always want your partner around to do things. One of the main reasons couples break up is dependency issues. You should understand that personal time away from each other is normal and healthy. If you want to be with your partner all of the time, take the hint -- you need to find some outside interests.
3. Do you communicate?
Communication is the key to a good relationship. When you find that the only way you communicate is through arguments, sarcastic comments, and snide remarks, it's time to stop because you are not communicating, you are merely being demeaning and disrespectful. Why speak to someone you love that way when you would not speak that way to your friends or colleagues?
4. Quit paying mind to false convictions.
Do you imagine negative scenarios related to what your partner is thinking about or doing? Are you listening to those voices in your head that tell you that your partner doesn't care when they do not drop everything the minute you need them? By listening to false beliefs you only poison your view of reality.
5. Do you listen well?
Do you pay attention to and take an interest in your partner's interests? Do you give them a fair chance by listening to their side of any disagreements you have? Sometimes the need to be right causes us to stop listening. When a problem comes up, try to talk in a normal voice and listen to what your partner has to say. You could be missing out on something very important -- and no, you do not always know everything.
There are some relationships that will never change, even if you follow the advice outlined here. If that is the case, then your relationship is really suffering and you probably need some time away from each other. Use this time to achieve clarity about your situation so you can finally make a decision as to what you really want.
How to Stop Your Break Up
Unlike other breakups that seem to be expected or come from nowhere, it can be extremely hard being in a loveless relationship, trying to figure out if you should work on the relationship, or bear the pain of breaking up. Does it seem that whenever there is conflict between you and your partner, that neither of you are able to compromise nor find common ground to work out a happy medium? If you feel like your relationship is coming to an end and the break up seems inevitable, here are a couple of things you can try to salvage it.
#1 Stop playing the blame game.
It is all too common and easy that when relationship problems strike, to blame our partner rather than looking at ourselves for the fault. He is not interested at all anymore in what I have to say. She's always so distant. Would it be too much to ask, for once, if he could just do something nice for me for a change. If she could just stop complaining I might do more things for her. By blaming your partner, it will only lead to them being on the defense. First you must love your significant other and accept them for who they are; you should avoid focusing on what they lack.
#2 Stop being so clingy.
Depending on your partner to do everything with you is a very serious habit that should not be developed. When you're too dependent on your partner, it's very common for a break up to occur. It's important to know that you and your partner need time apart, and you don't need them to run around on errands with you. It is not healthy to want to be with your partner all the time, it can be advantageous to both yourself and the relationship to find and enjoy hobbies that you can do on your own, outside of the relationship.
#3 How are you communicating with your partner?
In a healthy relationship, communication needs to be priority. Arguments, snide remarks and sarcastic comments are not effective forms of communication between you and your loved one, as these comments can be hurtful and are extremely disrespectful and demeaning to your significant other and may cause other problems. It is extremely inappropriate to speak to friends or colleagues that way, so why do you find it acceptable to address your loved one in that manner?
4. Stop listening to the negatives.
Are you always assuming that you know what your partner is thinking or doing? If your partner doesn't cater to your every whim, do you convince yourself that they don't love you? Stop going with your negative beliefs because they are not reality.
#5 Are you paying attention to your partner?
Are you showing an interest in your partner and what he or she likes? Do they have a fair chance when giving you their side of the argument? A lot of the time, we need to be right and don't listen to what they're saying. The next time you disagree, try using a normal tone of voice and listen to your partner's point of view. No one is right all the time, and by not listening carefully you might be missing something important.
When the above actions fail and do not make any significant changes in the communication aspect of the relationship, it may be time for something more drastic. Time apart is recommended when a relationship has been pushed to its breaking point and both parties involved are suffering. Take this time, clear your head and decide what it is that you really want.
#1 Stop playing the blame game.
It is all too common and easy that when relationship problems strike, to blame our partner rather than looking at ourselves for the fault. He is not interested at all anymore in what I have to say. She's always so distant. Would it be too much to ask, for once, if he could just do something nice for me for a change. If she could just stop complaining I might do more things for her. By blaming your partner, it will only lead to them being on the defense. First you must love your significant other and accept them for who they are; you should avoid focusing on what they lack.
#2 Stop being so clingy.
Depending on your partner to do everything with you is a very serious habit that should not be developed. When you're too dependent on your partner, it's very common for a break up to occur. It's important to know that you and your partner need time apart, and you don't need them to run around on errands with you. It is not healthy to want to be with your partner all the time, it can be advantageous to both yourself and the relationship to find and enjoy hobbies that you can do on your own, outside of the relationship.
#3 How are you communicating with your partner?
In a healthy relationship, communication needs to be priority. Arguments, snide remarks and sarcastic comments are not effective forms of communication between you and your loved one, as these comments can be hurtful and are extremely disrespectful and demeaning to your significant other and may cause other problems. It is extremely inappropriate to speak to friends or colleagues that way, so why do you find it acceptable to address your loved one in that manner?
4. Stop listening to the negatives.
Are you always assuming that you know what your partner is thinking or doing? If your partner doesn't cater to your every whim, do you convince yourself that they don't love you? Stop going with your negative beliefs because they are not reality.
#5 Are you paying attention to your partner?
Are you showing an interest in your partner and what he or she likes? Do they have a fair chance when giving you their side of the argument? A lot of the time, we need to be right and don't listen to what they're saying. The next time you disagree, try using a normal tone of voice and listen to your partner's point of view. No one is right all the time, and by not listening carefully you might be missing something important.
When the above actions fail and do not make any significant changes in the communication aspect of the relationship, it may be time for something more drastic. Time apart is recommended when a relationship has been pushed to its breaking point and both parties involved are suffering. Take this time, clear your head and decide what it is that you really want.
Are You Making Your Partner Break Up With You?
Sometimes a break up can catch you by surprise, but it's actually just as bad, if not worse, to be trapped in a relationship where neither person is in love any longer. Are both of you so insistent on being right that you can't give in? If you think your relationship is in trouble but cannot conceive of the inevitable, here are some things you might want to consider trying so you might be able to save it.
#1 Don't put all the blame on your partner.
All too often, we blame our significant others when things are going poorly in a relationship. He doesn't pay attention to what I'm saying. She shuts me out. Why doesn't he do nice things for me? I would do things for her if she did not bother me so much about them. It doesn't help anything when you blame your partner for the things that are going wrong. It just makes them defensive. Begin appreciating your partner for who they are instead of who you want them to be.
#2 Don't be so clingy.
It doesn't make for a healthy relationship when you cling to your partner constantly. Dependency is the cause of a large number of breakups. In a healthy relationship, your partner should want time on their own, and you should be okay with doing some things by yourself. If you are being especially needy and always want your partner around, it should be a clue to you that you need to develop other interests.
#3 How is your communication?
A vital part of any good relationship is good communication. Arguments, sarcastic comments, and snide remarks inhibit communication because they are demeaning and disrespectful. If you would not treat a friend like that, why would you treat a loved one that way?
#4 Stop trying to read your partner's mind.
Do you try to read your partner's mind and project thoughts that might not be true at all? You might think that your partner doesn't care for you just because they didn't immediately come to your rescue. If you keep paying attention to those voices in your head, you will only become more bitter.
#5 Have you been paying attention?
Do you pay attention to the things your partner is involved in? Do you pay attention to what they are saying and try to take it to heart? There are times when we are so insistent that we are right that we can't hear anything else. When you encounter another conflict, do not raise your voice -- instead, listen to your partner. You might hear something that is important, and you might find out that you are not always right.
Even if you do everything listed above, it might not be enough to really change your relationship. If you reach that conclusion, you will have to take time away from the relationship. You can use this chance to get a better look at things and then make a final decision.
#1 Don't put all the blame on your partner.
All too often, we blame our significant others when things are going poorly in a relationship. He doesn't pay attention to what I'm saying. She shuts me out. Why doesn't he do nice things for me? I would do things for her if she did not bother me so much about them. It doesn't help anything when you blame your partner for the things that are going wrong. It just makes them defensive. Begin appreciating your partner for who they are instead of who you want them to be.
#2 Don't be so clingy.
It doesn't make for a healthy relationship when you cling to your partner constantly. Dependency is the cause of a large number of breakups. In a healthy relationship, your partner should want time on their own, and you should be okay with doing some things by yourself. If you are being especially needy and always want your partner around, it should be a clue to you that you need to develop other interests.
#3 How is your communication?
A vital part of any good relationship is good communication. Arguments, sarcastic comments, and snide remarks inhibit communication because they are demeaning and disrespectful. If you would not treat a friend like that, why would you treat a loved one that way?
#4 Stop trying to read your partner's mind.
Do you try to read your partner's mind and project thoughts that might not be true at all? You might think that your partner doesn't care for you just because they didn't immediately come to your rescue. If you keep paying attention to those voices in your head, you will only become more bitter.
#5 Have you been paying attention?
Do you pay attention to the things your partner is involved in? Do you pay attention to what they are saying and try to take it to heart? There are times when we are so insistent that we are right that we can't hear anything else. When you encounter another conflict, do not raise your voice -- instead, listen to your partner. You might hear something that is important, and you might find out that you are not always right.
Even if you do everything listed above, it might not be enough to really change your relationship. If you reach that conclusion, you will have to take time away from the relationship. You can use this chance to get a better look at things and then make a final decision.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
3 Top Secrets on How to Solve and Avoid Conflict Between Lovers
There are a lot of tips and ideas on how to make a relationship successful. Even lovers who have been with someone for the longest period of time have a lot to share on how to maintain a healthy relationship.
They will definitely be not the people who will say that a good relationship means there are no conflicts at all. In fact, disagreements may be the only element that can spice up a relationship. However, there are conflicts that can lead to extreme disputes, building on to hatred then becoming enemies. These are the types of differences that lovers should avoid to save the relationship they have invested time and effort on.
Basically, handling conflicts wisely comes with age and wisdom. But even the young lovers of today can learn from one principle wherein they can spare themselves from sheer depression of heartbrokenness. The one main ingredient is no other than mutual compromise.
Mutual compromise means that both parties should learn how to listen and give in to any thoughts his or her lover might have. Disagreements developed because each wants to prove that he or she is right and the other one is wrong. But the sad fact is the truth they both possess is subjective. It is right at some point and wrong at some. The invisible cause actually comes from the selfishness to give in. Compromise emphasizes on both parties actually competing to be lowly instead of competing to be above each other. Being lowly does not mean becoming a doormat. A doormat means somebody who is ignorant of his personal values. These are the types of people who do not have a backbone with regards to social and personal ethics.
The virtue of compromise is practiced by those who completely understand and respect themselves, and knows exactly what his principles are. They are the people who can readily give respect to others because they already feel completely secured in themselves. As a result they possess the ability to give the best to others. When it comes to conflicts and points of disagreements in a relationship, they would voluntarily choose to control their ego first, prefer to listen to a point made by their partners and dismiss the idea of being the boss.
Below are thoughts on how to mutually compromise with your lover so as to avoid unresolved conflicts in the future:
1. Settle your insecurities
Prevention is better than cure. Before one engages in a relationship get into lifestyle check. Be honest to accept your insecurities earlier so as to spare both and your partner unnecessary conflicts in the relationship. Romance and relationship is designed for both partners to be able to grow together in a healthy and physical way and not to suffer.
If you are already in a relationship, you can still do the same and reflect on yourself. Remember conflicts arise because both parties are at fault. And most of the annoyance and irritations primarily comes from not being secured of oneself and initially throws the blame to others. It is not more on external issues actually.
2. Practice and accept humility
Every experience in life is an opportunity to understand that no one is above anybody else. Most individuals fail to understand the fact that each has his own because they refuse to accept their limitations. They keep on believing that the world belongs to them.
When reality sinks in that they are not the only people who live in this world, they become confused and taken off-guard. They get annoyed that they are not in control. One way to avoid conflict is to acknowledge that everybody can be right at times or everybody can be wrong most of the times, including oneself.
3. Give the benefit of the doubt
Whenever your ideals and expectations of your partner are devastated, think that that there are one hundred one ways to kill a cat. What you will involuntary think may not be actually the reason at all. Humans tend to doubt a character easily especially when it comes to putting someone down, let alone a lover.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Why Most Marriages Fail
Roughly 50% of all marriages fail and many of those don't even make it past the first year. Understanding why these marriages fail can be key to ensuring that your own marriage does not fail. Some factors that contribute to the failure of a marriage include a lack of communication or poor communication, financial issues and even the circumstances of the marriage. All of these issues can exist in a healthy and enduring marriage but if they are not dealt with properly they can lead to the failure of the marriage. Communication is critical to the success of a marriage. Without proper communication, conflict resolution becomes a difficult issue. If the couple lacks the communication skills necessary to resolve their problems, then even the smallest problems will become insurmountable. Communication allows a relationship to grow and thrive by giving the partners an opportunity to share their dreams, concerns, hopes and desires with each other. Without sharing in this way a couple will not grow as close together as possible. Communication also gives the couple a healthy way to resolve their arguments. If one or both partners lack effective communications skills it becomes difficult to resolve arguments because the couple is not able to understand each other's points of view. If the marriage is already in trouble, both partners in the marriage must be dedicated to working on their communication skills in order to improve or salvage their marriage.The absence of effective communication techniques can lead to the failure of a marriage.Love may conquer all but sometimes even love isn't enough to save a marriage when there are significant financial concerns. While financial concerns in and of themselves may not be the cause of a failed marriage the tension that financial concerns create is often the culprit in a failed marriage. Financial concerns can be a heavy burden to bear and when a couple is struggling to meet their financial obligations, there can be a tremendous amount of pressure in the relationship. This pressure may be enough to destroy an otherwise healthy marriage. If one of the partners in the marriage becomes obsessed with the marital finances they can begin to neglect other aspects of the marriage.
This neglectful behavior has the affect of making the spouse feel ignored and lonely which can be damaging to a marriage. Often one of the partners will become consumed with the financial affairs and this can be very damaging to a marriage. Even the circumstances surrounding the marriage can lead to its failure. A marriage of convenience is often not a healthy marriage. When the decision to marry is based on something other than true love, it is likely that the marriage will fair. Some examples of marriage circumstances that often lead to failure are getting married because there is a baby on the way or because the couple is feeling pressure to get married by friends and family members.
Neither of these reasons are truly valid reasons for marriage and often leads to divorce. When a couple marries for reasons other than true love the marriage is often doomed before it starts. Marrying too young is another reason why many marriages fail. While the right age to marry varies greatly depending on the person, many people argue that the teens and early twenties are too early to get married. Getting married before you have had a chance to enjoy many of life's experiences can result in resentfulness in the marriage and can be the cause of failure of the marriage.
Another reason why many marriages fail is that society no longer places importance on the institution of marriage. Today it is common for couples to live together and have children without being married. This degeneration of society devalues marriage and results in a higher percentage of failed marriages. With so little value placed on marriage in today's society, couples are not committed to making their marriage work and are often quick to give up on the marriage and each other. Many marriages today are doomed before they even start. Marriage is no longer seen as a necessary step in a relationship so many couples are quick to divorce without making an honest effort to resolve their problems. Communication breakdown, financial difficulties as well as circumstances of the marriage are all problems that can cause many marriages to fail.Here Is A VIDEO & SOME INFO That Might HelpArticle Written By J. Foley
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Over Rowing this Boat will Sink your Relationship!
Are you attracting the love that you want from your current relationship or are you trying to control your relationship by over rowing the boat! You know, many of us try and control everything in our lives, and our relationship is no exception. OK, name me one thing in your life right now that can't be changed or whisked away in the blink of an eye! You can't can you? So, why is that we frantically attempt to control our relationship? Does this really give you the love affection and romance that you desire, or is it only making your partner resentful, angry, and more distant? How often do you try to control your relationship by helping or rescuing your partner without being asked to do so? And, how often does it result in an unappreciative slap in the face? If this is the case then you may be over rowing the boat! Ironically, doing too much for your partner sends a signal of desperation and a lack of self-confidence which results in undermining the emotional bonds of your relationship. So, when I state that over rowing the boat will sink your relationship; I am speaking the unequivocal truth!” Frequently, these issues of self-esteem and low confidence are at the root of many failing relationships, and when they are left unchecked end disastrously.
Remember, the whole premise of a relationship is to share your life with someone, not control theirs! Your partner needs to feel good about him or her self. In essence they need to be their own person!! You are in this together, and if they need help or need to be rescued they will ask for it!! So, try and relinquish your control and surrender! The following examples can help guide you in the appropriate direction, but to make these changes on a permanent level you must get to the bottom of restoring your self-esteem and confidence levels.
Don't help unless they ask you to help
Don't offer a solution unless asked for one.
Don't rescue them from a situation unless you are asked to.
Don't do everything for your mate.
Do listen and be understanding
Do some self reflection and learn to completely love yourself.
Do complement your partner in a way that allows them to be the person they are.
Remember, to attract what you want from your partner you must become the very thing you wish to attract!!!
For more information on how to save and transform your relationship subscribe to my free e-Guide “The secret principles to Saving a Relationship”
Save relationship
Best wishes,
David Roppo
”The Relationship Rehab Coach”
Remember, the whole premise of a relationship is to share your life with someone, not control theirs! Your partner needs to feel good about him or her self. In essence they need to be their own person!! You are in this together, and if they need help or need to be rescued they will ask for it!! So, try and relinquish your control and surrender! The following examples can help guide you in the appropriate direction, but to make these changes on a permanent level you must get to the bottom of restoring your self-esteem and confidence levels.
Don't help unless they ask you to help
Don't offer a solution unless asked for one.
Don't rescue them from a situation unless you are asked to.
Don't do everything for your mate.
Do listen and be understanding
Do some self reflection and learn to completely love yourself.
Do complement your partner in a way that allows them to be the person they are.
Remember, to attract what you want from your partner you must become the very thing you wish to attract!!!
For more information on how to save and transform your relationship subscribe to my free e-Guide “The secret principles to Saving a Relationship”
Save relationship
Best wishes,
David Roppo
”The Relationship Rehab Coach”
Treatment Of Overseas Relationships
Will the UK recognise partnership schemes for same-sex couples that exist across Europe and beyond?
Same-sex couples who form certain "overseas relationships", that is certain legal relationships registered under the law of another country or territory, will automatically be treated as having formed a civil partnership and will not need to register in the UK as well, so long as they and their overseas relationship meets the requirements set out in the Civil Partnership Act.
These include requirements that the overseas relationship is either (a) one of the specified relationships listed in Schedule 20 to the Act, or (b) a relationship that meets the "general conditions" contained in section 214.
The list of specified relationships in Schedule 20 currently contains:
• Belgium cohabitation légale (statutory cohabitation)
• Belgium marriage
• Canada: Nova Scotia domestic partnership
• Canada: Quebec civil union
• Denmark partnerskab (registered partnership)
• Finland rekisteröity parisuhde (registered partnership)
• France pacte civile de solidarité (civil solidarity pact)
• Germany Lebenspartnerschaft (life partnership)
• Iceland staðfesta samvist (confirmed cohabitation)
• Netherlands geregistreerde partnerschap (registered partnership)
• Netherlands marriage
• Norway partnerskap (registered partnership)
• Sweden registrerat partnerskap (registered partnership)
• United States of America: Vermont civil union
New relationships will be added to Schedule 20 as more countries or territories bring in gay marriage or civil partnership schemes. Recent developments include civil union legislation in New Zealand and Connecticut (USA). In Spain, a government backed gay marriage bill passed through the lower house of Parliament on 21 April 2005, and now goes before the Senate. These and any other new overseas schemes will now be considered for inclusion in Schedule 20.
What if my partner and I have registered a relationship that isn’t one of the ones listed in Schedule 20? Does this mean that we won’t be treated as civil partners?
Not necessarily. If the overseas relationship meets the “general conditions” in section 214 it would be capable of being treated as a civil partnership, so long as the other relevant requirements of Chapter 2 of Part 5 of the Act are also met.
In order for an overseas relationship to meet the general conditions it must, under the law of the country or territory in which it was formed, be exclusive in nature (in other words the law must prevent a person from registering a relationship where they are already in a relationship of that kind or are lawfully married); be indeterminate in duration (this would exclude an arrangement whereby the parties agreed to live together for a fixed period of time); and result in the parties being treated as a couple or treated as married (this would exclude schemes like some local registers which have no legal effects under the law of that country or territory).
Where two people have registered an overseas relationship which is specified in Schedule 20 or meets these general conditions, they will be treated as having formed a civil partnership if they meet the other requirements which can be found in section 212 and sections 215 to 218 of the Act.
Can my partner and I form a civil partnership in the UK even if we’ve already formed an overseas relationship that would be recognised in the UK?
It will not be necessary to form a civil partnership in the UK if your existing overseas partner is treated as a civil partner.
Same-sex couples who form certain "overseas relationships", that is certain legal relationships registered under the law of another country or territory, will automatically be treated as having formed a civil partnership and will not need to register in the UK as well, so long as they and their overseas relationship meets the requirements set out in the Civil Partnership Act.
These include requirements that the overseas relationship is either (a) one of the specified relationships listed in Schedule 20 to the Act, or (b) a relationship that meets the "general conditions" contained in section 214.
The list of specified relationships in Schedule 20 currently contains:
• Belgium cohabitation légale (statutory cohabitation)
• Belgium marriage
• Canada: Nova Scotia domestic partnership
• Canada: Quebec civil union
• Denmark partnerskab (registered partnership)
• Finland rekisteröity parisuhde (registered partnership)
• France pacte civile de solidarité (civil solidarity pact)
• Germany Lebenspartnerschaft (life partnership)
• Iceland staðfesta samvist (confirmed cohabitation)
• Netherlands geregistreerde partnerschap (registered partnership)
• Netherlands marriage
• Norway partnerskap (registered partnership)
• Sweden registrerat partnerskap (registered partnership)
• United States of America: Vermont civil union
New relationships will be added to Schedule 20 as more countries or territories bring in gay marriage or civil partnership schemes. Recent developments include civil union legislation in New Zealand and Connecticut (USA). In Spain, a government backed gay marriage bill passed through the lower house of Parliament on 21 April 2005, and now goes before the Senate. These and any other new overseas schemes will now be considered for inclusion in Schedule 20.
What if my partner and I have registered a relationship that isn’t one of the ones listed in Schedule 20? Does this mean that we won’t be treated as civil partners?
Not necessarily. If the overseas relationship meets the “general conditions” in section 214 it would be capable of being treated as a civil partnership, so long as the other relevant requirements of Chapter 2 of Part 5 of the Act are also met.
In order for an overseas relationship to meet the general conditions it must, under the law of the country or territory in which it was formed, be exclusive in nature (in other words the law must prevent a person from registering a relationship where they are already in a relationship of that kind or are lawfully married); be indeterminate in duration (this would exclude an arrangement whereby the parties agreed to live together for a fixed period of time); and result in the parties being treated as a couple or treated as married (this would exclude schemes like some local registers which have no legal effects under the law of that country or territory).
Where two people have registered an overseas relationship which is specified in Schedule 20 or meets these general conditions, they will be treated as having formed a civil partnership if they meet the other requirements which can be found in section 212 and sections 215 to 218 of the Act.
Can my partner and I form a civil partnership in the UK even if we’ve already formed an overseas relationship that would be recognised in the UK?
It will not be necessary to form a civil partnership in the UK if your existing overseas partner is treated as a civil partner.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Qualities That Can Make Him Leave You
Men are from Mars and women are from Venus; that is how different men and women are. Women define casual dating and a relationship differently from men.
One of the differences between genders is that women venture into the dating arena hoping to find a man who is thinking of getting a serious and long lasting relationship. Women get into relationships seriously wishing that this will be for keeps. This is basically the reason why many women are afraid that the man they are eyeing might reject them or turn out to be another Mr. Wrong.
On the flipside, men look at dating in a different light. They get excited when they meet new women, especially the kind of men whom women see are a good find; men who are witty, good looking and exude sexiness through their independence. Unfortunately these are the kinds of men who consider dating as something just for fun and are not interested in a serious relationship. Men who think this way is capable of having a casual relationship that lasts for months but settling down is never considered.
At this point, the crisis begins. The woman feels that her love is unappreciated because the man is not commitment-bound, while on the other hand the man feels the pressure of forced to settle down. If you've been in this scenario before, then you are on the same boat as other women who went through the same problem.
The truth of the matter is that numerous women get into this situation time and time again, wondering if there is no man alive left who is a good enough catch. If you think along this lines, then its probably time to think that the solution can be found nearby. Admit it or not, but you may be showing him qualities that makes him think that you are not exactly “wife material.”
You may want to avoid the following bad qualities:
Emotionally Insecure.
Do you complain a lot and fuss over minor issues? You may be emotionally insecure and immature if you are majoring on the minor things. Criticize your man’s emotions, thoughts and actions, and you are surely treading on dangerous grounds. While your complaints and observations may be legit, men do not like being told upfront about the things that are “wrong” with him. This is one way of ensuring that he will think that you are weird and then slowly fade away, never to be seen again.
Curtailing His Freedom.
Demanding that he give up parts of his freedom for you is another way of telling him that he has to give up a lot just to be with you. The scary part is that he may realize that giving up the things he loves, such as his friends and his hobbies, for you may not be worth it. Remember that these are things that have been in his life before you came, so don't go cleaning house if you want to reside in it.
Be the woman who is fun and easy to be with and avoid the bad qualities mentioned. Make him see that you have the qualities that can make his life easier and more enjoyable, and he won’t have any reason to stay single for long.
About the Author
Aaron Adams
One of the differences between genders is that women venture into the dating arena hoping to find a man who is thinking of getting a serious and long lasting relationship. Women get into relationships seriously wishing that this will be for keeps. This is basically the reason why many women are afraid that the man they are eyeing might reject them or turn out to be another Mr. Wrong.
On the flipside, men look at dating in a different light. They get excited when they meet new women, especially the kind of men whom women see are a good find; men who are witty, good looking and exude sexiness through their independence. Unfortunately these are the kinds of men who consider dating as something just for fun and are not interested in a serious relationship. Men who think this way is capable of having a casual relationship that lasts for months but settling down is never considered.
At this point, the crisis begins. The woman feels that her love is unappreciated because the man is not commitment-bound, while on the other hand the man feels the pressure of forced to settle down. If you've been in this scenario before, then you are on the same boat as other women who went through the same problem.
The truth of the matter is that numerous women get into this situation time and time again, wondering if there is no man alive left who is a good enough catch. If you think along this lines, then its probably time to think that the solution can be found nearby. Admit it or not, but you may be showing him qualities that makes him think that you are not exactly “wife material.”
You may want to avoid the following bad qualities:
Emotionally Insecure.
Do you complain a lot and fuss over minor issues? You may be emotionally insecure and immature if you are majoring on the minor things. Criticize your man’s emotions, thoughts and actions, and you are surely treading on dangerous grounds. While your complaints and observations may be legit, men do not like being told upfront about the things that are “wrong” with him. This is one way of ensuring that he will think that you are weird and then slowly fade away, never to be seen again.
Curtailing His Freedom.
Demanding that he give up parts of his freedom for you is another way of telling him that he has to give up a lot just to be with you. The scary part is that he may realize that giving up the things he loves, such as his friends and his hobbies, for you may not be worth it. Remember that these are things that have been in his life before you came, so don't go cleaning house if you want to reside in it.
Be the woman who is fun and easy to be with and avoid the bad qualities mentioned. Make him see that you have the qualities that can make his life easier and more enjoyable, and he won’t have any reason to stay single for long.
About the Author
Aaron Adams
Friday, July 11, 2008
How To Tickle Him If He Ticks You Off
Had a big fight with Mr. I-Think-He's-The-One recently? Or worse… maybe you broke up with him lately? Or maybe you’ve recently listened to one of your girlfriends whose relationship just bit the dust?
Well, we can easily say that these things happen all the time. We keep saying “heartwarming” things like “It happens to everybody” or “You couldn’t have done anything to prevent what was coming,” hardly giving a second thought about how badly it would sting if those things were said to us.
Are angry breakups really that inevitable? Well, I think not. Here are some tricks on how to tickle him if he ticks you off.
1. Read His Mind
Let’s face it – men aren't romantic. They don't believe the love stories where everything simply grows into what you want it to be. Sometimes you just have to go direct to the point – try to be clear and concise about what you want. But don't ever forget about “timing” – there’s a right and wrong time to voice out your thoughts.
This is a universal thing – it’s not advice for only one person. It’s also something that would undoubtedly make some women feel vulnerable. Still, remember that all relationships have measures of risk into them, and you can’t generate any profit if it doesn’t involve any risk.
In the end, if you can read his mind, you can give him what he needs even if he doesn’t ask for it – and he’ll be pleasantly surprised. And pleasantly surprised men will tend to be interested in keeping the relationship alive.
2. It’s not all about you – he expects things from your relationship too
All people are the same deep inside. We are little babies who need to be satisfied. If we don't get satisfied, we get unhappy or disappointed. And when we are unhappy, petty problems get magnified. In the end, you lash out at him, letting loose all your rants and heartaches.
Ever thought these things go both ways?
Sometimes, we fail to recognize that our own disappointments are of our own makings. Sometimes, you expect too many good things to blossom from the relationship and tend to forget about him – his dreams, his wants, his needs, his expectations, how he feels, or how he sees things are just as important in a healthy relationship as your own.
Keep this in mind, and keep your relationship under control.
3. Don’t make the “Big Mistake”
Men can be the most insensitive and shortsighted creatures to ever walk the earth. They’re lousy with hints – it’s hard for them to realize what women want. And sometimes women just have to live with that fact just to keep the fire burning.
It doesn’t have to be that dismal, though. You simply have to take a little time and effort to know what he wants – and satisfy them. When you do so, he'll gladly return the favor. Even the small things, like knowing his favorite dish, understanding that he needs space at times, or even simply fixing his tie – are little things that could win a man's heart.
In the end, if you want him to make you happy, make him happy too.
About the Author
Aaron Adams specializes in relationship matters for women. Find out the ten most dangerous mistakes you probably make with men - and what to do about it. Visit datingquestionsforwomen.com for more relationship advice.
Well, we can easily say that these things happen all the time. We keep saying “heartwarming” things like “It happens to everybody” or “You couldn’t have done anything to prevent what was coming,” hardly giving a second thought about how badly it would sting if those things were said to us.
Are angry breakups really that inevitable? Well, I think not. Here are some tricks on how to tickle him if he ticks you off.
1. Read His Mind
Let’s face it – men aren't romantic. They don't believe the love stories where everything simply grows into what you want it to be. Sometimes you just have to go direct to the point – try to be clear and concise about what you want. But don't ever forget about “timing” – there’s a right and wrong time to voice out your thoughts.
This is a universal thing – it’s not advice for only one person. It’s also something that would undoubtedly make some women feel vulnerable. Still, remember that all relationships have measures of risk into them, and you can’t generate any profit if it doesn’t involve any risk.
In the end, if you can read his mind, you can give him what he needs even if he doesn’t ask for it – and he’ll be pleasantly surprised. And pleasantly surprised men will tend to be interested in keeping the relationship alive.
2. It’s not all about you – he expects things from your relationship too
All people are the same deep inside. We are little babies who need to be satisfied. If we don't get satisfied, we get unhappy or disappointed. And when we are unhappy, petty problems get magnified. In the end, you lash out at him, letting loose all your rants and heartaches.
Ever thought these things go both ways?
Sometimes, we fail to recognize that our own disappointments are of our own makings. Sometimes, you expect too many good things to blossom from the relationship and tend to forget about him – his dreams, his wants, his needs, his expectations, how he feels, or how he sees things are just as important in a healthy relationship as your own.
Keep this in mind, and keep your relationship under control.
3. Don’t make the “Big Mistake”
Men can be the most insensitive and shortsighted creatures to ever walk the earth. They’re lousy with hints – it’s hard for them to realize what women want. And sometimes women just have to live with that fact just to keep the fire burning.
It doesn’t have to be that dismal, though. You simply have to take a little time and effort to know what he wants – and satisfy them. When you do so, he'll gladly return the favor. Even the small things, like knowing his favorite dish, understanding that he needs space at times, or even simply fixing his tie – are little things that could win a man's heart.
In the end, if you want him to make you happy, make him happy too.
About the Author
Aaron Adams specializes in relationship matters for women. Find out the ten most dangerous mistakes you probably make with men - and what to do about it. Visit datingquestionsforwomen.com for more relationship advice.
Monday, July 7, 2008
How to Fix a Relationship - 3 Fool-Proof Ways
Many people, both young and old today are in relationships. And of course, having couple squabbles are part and parcel of being in one. So, being able to manage them effectively will help to develop the relationship and bring both partners closer together. Conversely, tiffs that escalate into big quarrels may risk having the couple breaking up. So, if your relationship is on the rocks, you need to know how to fix a relationship. The way you manage your relationship and its problems indicate to your partner how capable you are in handling matters, so it is important that you know these techniques by heart!
Giving enough personal time and space in the relationship
You should always allow for some healthy distance apart and alone time away from each other. This is critical to developing a healthy relationship with your partner as alone time is necessary to allow you to think about yourself, your goals in life and your future together. This applies to your partner as well. You’ll need to leave sufficient room in your schedule to fit in the other important things in your life, such as your hobbies and friends. So, when you are having troubles in your relationship, understand that you should avoid rushing things and pushing your other half to get what you want. Instead, take a step back and give space for him or her to think about and access what he or she wants. Then plan together as a couple how you can mend the relationship.
Moving on with your life
If your relationship has taken a turn for the worst, the best thing you can do next is to live your life in a better way that it previously was. For instance, if your ex had controlled the way your dress or what you ate, just be who you are and release your inner self now. Wear what you like and eat the food that you crave and be happy. Live life the way you want and show him or her how happy you can be. By doing so, you will be able to let your ex know and better understand the person she or he had fallen in love with. After all, not living life the way you want could be one of the reasons why there was a strain in your relationship in the first place. So, putting up an assertive front enables you to prove to your ex that you are strong and emotionally stable. Such a quality is very attractive, and will cause your partner seriously think twice before letting you go.
Making an effort to improve the relationship
If you do feel that there are strong feelings between you and your partner, then you should definitely invest substantial time and energy to make the relationship work. Develop ways in which you and your partner can better improve the situation. It takes two hands to clap, so you need to communicate and have honest conversations with your partner. Do not rush into agreeing to everything just so that you can get back together. Instead, just be your true. Try your best to forgive each other and to accept each others’ flaws.
There are many ways in which you can get back together with your ex. These 3 fool proof ways are effective techniques that you can use to fix yours, so use them well!
About the Author
Colin Strouse is an authority on Relationship Management providing valuable advice at getyourexbackyesterday.com where you can learn how to get an ex back.
Giving enough personal time and space in the relationship
You should always allow for some healthy distance apart and alone time away from each other. This is critical to developing a healthy relationship with your partner as alone time is necessary to allow you to think about yourself, your goals in life and your future together. This applies to your partner as well. You’ll need to leave sufficient room in your schedule to fit in the other important things in your life, such as your hobbies and friends. So, when you are having troubles in your relationship, understand that you should avoid rushing things and pushing your other half to get what you want. Instead, take a step back and give space for him or her to think about and access what he or she wants. Then plan together as a couple how you can mend the relationship.
Moving on with your life
If your relationship has taken a turn for the worst, the best thing you can do next is to live your life in a better way that it previously was. For instance, if your ex had controlled the way your dress or what you ate, just be who you are and release your inner self now. Wear what you like and eat the food that you crave and be happy. Live life the way you want and show him or her how happy you can be. By doing so, you will be able to let your ex know and better understand the person she or he had fallen in love with. After all, not living life the way you want could be one of the reasons why there was a strain in your relationship in the first place. So, putting up an assertive front enables you to prove to your ex that you are strong and emotionally stable. Such a quality is very attractive, and will cause your partner seriously think twice before letting you go.
Making an effort to improve the relationship
If you do feel that there are strong feelings between you and your partner, then you should definitely invest substantial time and energy to make the relationship work. Develop ways in which you and your partner can better improve the situation. It takes two hands to clap, so you need to communicate and have honest conversations with your partner. Do not rush into agreeing to everything just so that you can get back together. Instead, just be your true. Try your best to forgive each other and to accept each others’ flaws.
There are many ways in which you can get back together with your ex. These 3 fool proof ways are effective techniques that you can use to fix yours, so use them well!
About the Author
Colin Strouse is an authority on Relationship Management providing valuable advice at getyourexbackyesterday.com where you can learn how to get an ex back.
Love - Troubled Relationships
When you are the only one who has to forgive, understand, wait and be an angel with the person you love, while they are always sick, tired, full of problems, depression and nervousness, this is a troubled relationship that can only make you suffer.
If you have that kind of relationship, you are not the only one. Many people accept troubled relationships because they love the other person and they cannot think logically and realise that their relationship is in fact killing them.
If you keep giving excuses and trying to justify the other person's mistakes, then you are masochist: you want to suffer. Your attitude is a real suicide.
You have to face the truth and stay far away from people that only take advantage of your goodness, love and dedication. A relationship where only one person gives and the other one only gets, is not balanced, and cannot last for too long, since some day, after suffering very much, you'll stop loving the other person and start only hating them.
If you see that the other person has too many defects and they don't do anything to correct them, think about how your life with them will be. Are you ever going to be happy this way?
Perhaps you are waiting for a magical solution...
Of course you are, because you are in love... However, be realistic! Don't try to make excuses for their faults, but pay attention to their mistakes.
You are not going to live only with their kisses. You'll have to bear their selfish personality for life... Think about that.
If you stick with this relationship, time will pass, you'll only feel worse with this situation, and in the end you'll realise that you lost the best years of your life with the wrong person.
Why? Are you so blind? Are you so weak?
If you see that a relationship is only provoking you problems and making you sick, be wise and put an end to your martyrdom while you can. Later things may become too complicated, if you get too involved with the wrong person.
Be careful, because besides suffering, you are also in danger of losing your mental stability for being a victim of a selfish creature that will only ruin your life.
After big deceptions and hate, come craziness and despair.
Stay far away from this tragic end! Be wise and learn how to look for the right person for you.
You need someone who will make you happy and who will really love you very much.
Otherwise, why should you have a companion?
Prevent Depression and Craziness through the scientific method of Dream Interpretation discovered by Carl Jung and simplified by Christina Sponias, a writer who continued Jung's research in the unknown region of the human psychic sphere. Learn more at: scientificdreaminterpretation.com Click here and download your copy of the Free ebook Beating Depression and Craziness
If you have that kind of relationship, you are not the only one. Many people accept troubled relationships because they love the other person and they cannot think logically and realise that their relationship is in fact killing them.
If you keep giving excuses and trying to justify the other person's mistakes, then you are masochist: you want to suffer. Your attitude is a real suicide.
You have to face the truth and stay far away from people that only take advantage of your goodness, love and dedication. A relationship where only one person gives and the other one only gets, is not balanced, and cannot last for too long, since some day, after suffering very much, you'll stop loving the other person and start only hating them.
If you see that the other person has too many defects and they don't do anything to correct them, think about how your life with them will be. Are you ever going to be happy this way?
Perhaps you are waiting for a magical solution...
Of course you are, because you are in love... However, be realistic! Don't try to make excuses for their faults, but pay attention to their mistakes.
You are not going to live only with their kisses. You'll have to bear their selfish personality for life... Think about that.
If you stick with this relationship, time will pass, you'll only feel worse with this situation, and in the end you'll realise that you lost the best years of your life with the wrong person.
Why? Are you so blind? Are you so weak?
If you see that a relationship is only provoking you problems and making you sick, be wise and put an end to your martyrdom while you can. Later things may become too complicated, if you get too involved with the wrong person.
Be careful, because besides suffering, you are also in danger of losing your mental stability for being a victim of a selfish creature that will only ruin your life.
After big deceptions and hate, come craziness and despair.
Stay far away from this tragic end! Be wise and learn how to look for the right person for you.
You need someone who will make you happy and who will really love you very much.
Otherwise, why should you have a companion?
Prevent Depression and Craziness through the scientific method of Dream Interpretation discovered by Carl Jung and simplified by Christina Sponias, a writer who continued Jung's research in the unknown region of the human psychic sphere. Learn more at: scientificdreaminterpretation.com Click here and download your copy of the Free ebook Beating Depression and Craziness
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