Is Jealousy Destroying Your Relationship?

Jealousy is a common problem that couples present when they go to counseling. When one partner chooses jealous behaviors, the dynamics of the relationship change. They are no longer a couple in an Adult Relationship.
Now they are caught in a cycle of Investigator and Suspect. The Investigator spends an enormous amount of energy checking up on the Suspect, who may or may not be doing anything reprehensible. The Suspect spends time defending and explaining his/her behaviors. They are locked in a pattern which will destroy their relationship and they usually don’t what to do.
Both partners are miserable playing this game. The game is all about Control. "If I don’t check up on her, she'll make me look stupid" or "He'll make a fool of me." People who choose jealous behaviors may not realize that their behavior looks pretty silly or even crazy. Their partner didn't "make" them look stupid.

I was actually told by several women that "all men cheat." If this is your belief, you are probably an Investigator. Problem is: you have to sleep sometime. You can’t chain yourself to your partner. You have decided that you alone are capable of controlling your partner’s behavior. What’s more, you've decided it's your Job as his partner to keep him from cheating on you.
What a way to live your life, spending your time spying on each other! Trust is a decision. It’s not based on how the other person acts. If you choose to stay with a partner who is not trustworthy, you are doing so with your eyes open. If you are choosing jealousy without cause, you are doing so to control your partner.
The very things you do to control your partner are the things that will drive your partner away. Are you ready to try something different?
Keep in mind that jealous behavior is a choice you are making. It starts with your thoughts: I wonder where he is. She’s probably with someone right now. Why didn't he call me when he said he would? Why is she wearing that dress? Who was that woman who called him?
These thoughts lead to your behaviors, such as calling excessively (read, more than twice during work hours), listening in on phone conversations, checking phone lists and emails, interrogating your partner, and many other destructive behaviors.
You begin to feel awful after imagining all of the things your partner is doing (these are thoughts; you can change them). You can also change your behaviors if you choose to. If jealously is destroying your relationship, there is hope if you are willing to do the work.
First, if you're with someone who is trustworthy, you can change the thoughts that are plaguing you. Whenever you get those thoughts that start your heart racing, ask yourself the following questions:
What evidence is there that my thought is true?What evidence is there that my thought is false?What would someone else say about this thought?What other explanation could there be?
After you answer these questions, decide what new course of action you will take based on this exercise. Repeat this as often as needed. Hopefully, you will soon find yourself feeling calmer and less ready to play the Investigator and Suspect game.

Transforming Our Relationships By Loving Ourselves

How can we transform our relationships--making them closer, more intimate, more creative, more satisfying?
I've seen that happen in my own life. And the change came, not from working on the relationships, but from loving myself.
What's made the difference: love for myself, comfort with who I am, the feeling of being on my own path, and knowing what I feel and what I want.
When I love myself, I still enjoy and want love from the other person, but I don't feel desperate for it, like I'd disappear if I didn't get it. I don't feel like I'd do anything, even try to be someone I'm not, just to be loved.

When I feel comfort with who I am, I can feel right away if I'm still comfortable when I'm with this other person. I can judge a potential partner not by looks or achievements, but by whether I feel even more myself when I am with him.
When I have the feeling of being on my own path, satisfied with and excited by what I am doing in my life, I'm not going to be jealous of my partner's accomplishments or needing him to be smaller so I don't get too anxious. Nor will I need him to accomplish more so I can ride along on the accomplishment wagon.
When I know what I feel and what I want, then I can communicate my desires -- and be open to hearing what my partner wants as well. When I know what I want and I trust that, I don't end up resenting the other person because I haven't said what I needed and they didn't read my mind.
Perhaps the biggest gift I've received in the relationship area was the certainty that grew in me after many years of inner work, that the other person's feelings belong to them.
Growing up in an alcoholic/codependent family, I soaked up the idea that when Dad was depressed, it was the job of all the rest of us to handle his feelings for him. My mother didn't show her feelings at all, so I had her feelings for her too.
When I started getting into relationships, it was nearly automatic to believe my partner's fears and angers were my fault and my responsibility. In the resulting tangle, no wonder it was hard to feel myself.
I even thought that's what "love" meant!
Many years of inner work using a process called Focusing have shifted all this for me. I can sit with my partner when he's upset, but it doesn't become my upset. It belongs to him. When my nephew is in tears over his own relationship woes, I am there... but I don't offer advice unless he asks, because that's his feeling, not mine.
The space I have for connecting with others is much bigger now, because I am myself, not all the people around me. It feels great!

Free Guides on Relationships: Empathy Vs. Responsibility For Feelings

William grew up with a mother who was depressed much of her life. As the oldest of three children with a father who was not around much, William took on a lot of responsibility for his mother's wellbeing. He grew up as a kind and caring man, believing that he was responsible for another's feelings, especially a woman's.
Lauren grew up in a family where she received constant criticism from her father. From the time she was little, she had learned to try to do everything right in order to have control over getting her father's approval and avoiding his disapproval. Lauren learned early in life to make others responsible for her feelings.



As so often happens, William and Lauren got together at their common level of woundedness, with William feeling responsible for Lauren's feelings and Lauren making William responsible for her feelings. But it didn't take long for William to feel engulfed by Lauren's demands and to shut down as a way to protect himself from being controlled by her. The more William shut down, the angrier and more demanding Lauren got, and the angrier Lauren got, the more William shut down. Both felt deeply lonely in the relationship, each reacting to the other's wounded self.
As long as William believed he was responsible for Lauren's feelings, he was unable to feel any of his natural caring and empathy for her. And as long as Lauren believed that William was responsible for her feelings, she was unable to feel any of her natural kindness toward him.
The fact is that we cannot feel both empathy toward another and responsibility for their feelings at the same time. We cannot feel empathy for another when we feel burdened by responsibility for their feelings, or when we believe that the other is responsible for our feelings. As long as William continued to believe that he was responsible for Lauren's feelings, all he knew to do was shut down. As long as Lauren believed that William was responsible for her feelings, all she knew to do was get angry and blaming.
Fortunately, William and Lauren were willing to learn and practice Inner Bonding. William did deep work on understanding the sources of his wounded self's belief that he was responsible for Lauren's feelings, and was eventually able to let go of this false belief, as well as learn how to take responsibility for his own feelings when he felt attacked or pulled on by Lauren. As he developed his loving Adult, he was able to take loving care of himself while staying open and caring about Lauren.
Lauren did her own deep Inner Bonding work to finally let go of her long pattern of making others responsible for her feelings. She discovered that her current feelings of abandonment were not because of William at all, but rather because she so often abandoned herself by ignoring her own feelings. She discovered that the moment she made William responsible for her feelings, she felt abandoned because making him responsible for her feelings was an abandonment of herself. As she learned to take loving care of her own feelings, her anger toward William gradually disappeared.
This is the most important work any individual or couple can do to bring about their own happiness and improve all their relationships. Learning to take responsibility for your own feelings and not for another's feelings is vital for your inner peace, joy and loving relationships.

Do You Love Yourself 100 Percent?

The keyword here is of course the "100 percent". Surprisingly or not surprisingly, most of us do not love our own selves that much.
Over the years I have come across messages relating to loving yourself and all that. But, it really bought home for me this very question when I finished reading a book by Gay Hendricks. It is titled Learning To Love Yourself. Gay is a professor in counseling psychology and a world renowned author, as I come to know.
Back to the question. Why 100 percent is so important, you might ask. Allow me to share my way of understanding it. I am using "we" to mean each and every one of us (including myself of course) to make the points clearer.
We are carrying an invisible bag of rubbish, the "stuff" that we don't like, don't want to talk about, or even think about. It all relates to past experiences back to even our childhood days. It contains anger, hatred, guilt, argument, reprimand, shame, discontent, distrust, malice, and all those bad things. The problem is that this bag of stuff is getting bigger and bigger, and one day it will haunt us big time.
We need to learn to love ourselves live. By first accepting, and then loving the way we are is the only way to liberate ourselves and to give us the peace inside and out. We have to deal with each of these hidden feelings or stuff one by one. Don't suppress it as we usually do. Recognize it, bring it to the open, experience it in your mind, feel it, and accept it, and love yourself even with it. It is kind of like shaking hands with these stuff, and letting go. Bottom-line, we love ourselves as a whole. It is a wholesome love, not selective love. I tried it and I could feel the relief almost immediately.
Everything happens for a reason. The things we encounter, good or bad, all help to mold us. It is part of our growing up. It completes us. Bad things might not be so bad after all if we learn and become wiser.
Love our enemy by starting loving ourselves. When we liberate ourselves by letting go all those negativities, and loving ourselves in a wholesome manner, our mind and heart are in congruency. We are in peace, at ease, and in harmony. We start seeing thing differently. We appreciate life more.
Live life, JuniusWong

Love : a Killing Game or a Source of Pleasure?

Without energy, there is no life. Without energy, there is only death. Every romantic relationship contains the risk that you start depending on the energy provided by your other half, rather than sourcing your energy yourself. Reflect for a moment on this term: “your other half.” You need not depend on someone else to become a whole person. You can be complete by yourself. You don’t need an “other half” before you can be happy and productive. First learn to be a complete person by yourself. If you’re a woman, learn how to activate your masculine energy, and if you’re a man, activate your feminine energy. Only by balancing yourself and sharing your own completeness can you aspire to make love last forever.
When you depend too much on the energy of your spouse, you will feel the need to possess this person in order to fulfil your daily energy needs. When you’re not able to establish your own energy connection, you will feel the need to control the other in order to receive enough energy to get by. Can you imagine how tragic this is? You have to remain in control of the other person all of the time! One day he might start giving his energy to someone else; then what are you going to do? You would probably collapse, and this you can’t afford, so therefore you have to stay in control. To control is to possess, and in the process you are reducing the other to the level of an object. He or she is no longer seen as a person, but as a “thing to be controlled,” like a toy-car with remote control.
This is no way to live. This is anxiety. This is stress. Most of the time you feel anxious, because you never know exactly what the other is doing. What a waste of energy! If you are so completely focused on the behavior of others, you will never be able to move on with your own life. You are doomed to live a life of fear, trying to control other people, and be ever restless.
In the end you cannot control another person, and so this attitude doesn’t give any rest to your soul. You will be continually subjected to stress, anxiety, sleeplessness, fear, and anger. Every time you feel you are losing control, anger will get a hold of you and you will throw a tantrum in an attempt to gain back control.
What a miserable life! No relationship can withstand this kind of pressure, so it’s bound to collapse and explode in your face. You will end up alone.

Its Not Love Without "HIM"

Awe, look at all the lonely people. It saddens me when I hear from and see so many people who are seeking that love of their lives and can't seem to find what they are looking for. Sometimes they are just alone and seeking to be loved, period. Still, either way, it is so very sad and hard to watch and witness. I've been there myself. I know what it is like to really crave the affection of someone real special in my life. It is HARD being single and searching. The thing is, God is in control of all of that and it takes a whole lot of trust to wait on God with all He has in store for us. We are his hands, voice, feet and often heart as well. We are so much more but that would be a whole other article in itself. When seeking out love, we first have to realize that we have to "be" the love we are looking for first. We only attract into our lives what we offer in life. In the same respect we only attract to us what and who we are. So, in order to find and discover the love and relationships we are seeking out, in essense we need to become them. Let me explain a bit further. If someone who is compassionate is what we are seeking, we must learn to be compassionate. We attract who we are and what we project to others. It is almost like a "secret God code" of human existance but not really such a huge secret! If what we are seeking is a Godlike relationship then what we need to become is more like the one we seek. Becoming more like Jesus is a great way to find a love that is as unconditionally accepting and healing as possible. I think He is the best example of love that there is and certainly the best example of healing. Fashioning ourselves like "HIM" is to set ourselves up for a relationship ordained and blessed by Him. Without Him, love is not love. He is the "Master of Love" and in fact, "is love". To "be" love is to allow love to come through every part of our being. It is like it comes through our pours so much it takes over our whole self. We were fashioned and formed very uniquely, and according to the Bible in the image of our Creator. To be in His image is to be also "love". Keeping the mindset that we are love, will attract love to our lives. Extending love in all of the things we do in life will bring more love toward us, naturally without having to seek it out. Life without love is void. Life without God is void. They are one in the same. So, when thinking of any type of relationship with anyone, He is the main facet that makes it work and worth while. If He is the example we set ourselves to follow then amazing blessed love is what we shall have! It is a promise! Our universe was fashioned very carefully by our Creator and there are certain laws that will never be broken. This is one of them! We become and attract that which we are. So, fashion your lives according to the Lord God almighty and you will have a relationship with God that is closer than ever and a relationship with others that are uncompromised! Our greatest mistake in life is to compromise our faith in God and to settle for less than what we deserve in life. It brings a relationship that is not blessed or sanctified by God and it will end in misery. Please seek ye first the ways of God and of heaven and fashion yourselves according to the love of God and you will attract those into your life who will be blessed by the connection with you and you with them! Your union will be such that "all the waters of heaven and earth could never put out the fire that love creates". Love is like an ever lasting fire that can never be put out. When couples choose this kind of love their relationship will be as everlasting as God is everlasting. Please, whatever you do: never invite a relationship into your life if it does not include "HIM". To do so would create an imbalaced relationship headed for disaster. I, personally, have experienced that kind and don't wish to ever do so again. "God is my refuge and my strength and He is my mercy and my grace. He shall forever be my guide, keeping my face directed onward toward the prize for which God Himself has called me heavenward. I will run the race and run it with precision, and when tested in this world, when I line myself up with Jesus and His love: I will win!" Rev Jenine Miana Please make the statement above your own and pray this prayer with me for the everlasting love you have always desired in relationship with God, with yourself and with others. "Dear Heavenly Father, I have recognized that I am created in Your beautiful image. I am amazed by Your love, Your mercy and Your grace. I am amazed by Your capacity to love me no matter what. I thank You with all my heart for the love You have shown me in my life. Please help me to always look to You for the love I need in my life, always. Please also help me to be that love to others in every way I am able to be. Please connect me with all those who equally are like me, so that my relationships will be equally yoked. I trust you with my heart and so I place it in your capable hands to lead me, guide me, and help me attract the love life of a lifetime! I am blessed that You are a personal God and that You care so deeply about my heart. Please help me to always have a love that includes You so that it will be balanced, complete and satisifying to my soul!" Amen and Amen! If you need assistance with your love decisions or want to talk about the not so great decisions you have made and need release, then please call me anytime! I would be happy to talk with you, walk with you and pray for you through your time of decision. Please remember it is not love without HIM! Please also call if you need to know more about Jesus, his life, his love, his teaching and his ways. I would be happy to introduce you to the "HIM" that keeps the eternal flames of love always lit! 707-688-1277

How To Tickle Him If He Ticks You Off

Had a big fight with Mr. I-Think-He's-The-One recently? Or worse… maybe you broke up with him lately? Or maybe you’ve recently listened to one of your girlfriends whose relationship just bit the dust?
Well, we can easily say that these things happen all the time. We keep saying “heartwarming” things like “It happens to everybody” or “You couldn’t have done anything to prevent what was coming,” hardly giving a second thought about how badly it would sting if those things were said to us.
Are angry breakups really that inevitable? Well, I think not. Here are some tricks on how to tickle him if he ticks you off.
1. Read His Mind
Let’s face it – men aren't romantic. They don't believe the love stories where everything simply grows into what you want it to be. Sometimes you just have to go direct to the point – try to be clear and concise about what you want. But don't ever forget about “timing” – there’s a right and wrong time to voice out your thoughts.
This is a universal thing – it’s not advice for only one person. It’s also something that would undoubtedly make some women feel vulnerable. Still, remember that all relationships have measures of risk into them, and you can’t generate any profit if it doesn’t involve any risk.
In the end, if you can read his mind, you can give him what he needs even if he doesn’t ask for it – and he’ll be pleasantly surprised. And pleasantly surprised men will tend to be interested in keeping the relationship alive.
2. It’s not all about you – he expects things from your relationship too
All people are the same deep inside. We are little babies who need to be satisfied. If we don't get satisfied, we get unhappy or disappointed. And when we are unhappy, petty problems get magnified. In the end, you lash out at him, letting loose all your rants and heartaches.
Ever thought these things go both ways?
Sometimes, we fail to recognize that our own disappointments are of our own makings. Sometimes, you expect too many good things to blossom from the relationship and tend to forget about him – his dreams, his wants, his needs, his expectations, how he feels, or how he sees things are just as important in a healthy relationship as your own.
Keep this in mind, and keep your relationship under control.
3. Don’t make the “Big Mistake”
Men can be the most insensitive and shortsighted creatures to ever walk the earth. They’re lousy with hints – it’s hard for them to realize what women want. And sometimes women just have to live with that fact just to keep the fire burning.
It doesn’t have to be that dismal, though. You simply have to take a little time and effort to know what he wants – and satisfy them. When you do so, he'll gladly return the favor. Even the small things, like knowing his favorite dish, understanding that he needs space at times, or even simply fixing his tie – are little things that could win a man's heart.
In the end, if you want him to make you happy, make him happy too.
About the Author
Aaron Adams specializes in relationship matters for women. Find out the ten most dangerous mistakes you probably make with men - and what to do about it. Visit datingquestionsforwomen.com for more relationship advice.

Love Life-Learn How To Make Your Relationship Better

Making your love life better is a definite way to make you and your partner live a better life. Love making may appear like a distant memory that occurred for some when they were young teenagers full of unconvinced sexual liveliness. Now that you have finally grown up, have a successful career, and barely enough time for yourself people completely forget the importance of their love life. Most couples start to feel too old and think they can’t make passionate love anymore and just tend to live their life in misery instead of trying different ways to make their love life better.
Tip #1: Shock Your Partner. If your significant other is washing the dishes or just watching tv, slowly go behind him/her and message their shoulders. They will quickly forget about anything they are doing and focus all their attention completely on you. No matter what is going on, this stimulation will shift their focus no matter what.
Tip #2: Set the Scene. Make a music CD with you and your partner’s absolute favorite love making songs on it. Buy lots of fruit and light many candles. Set the scene and set the night. Your love relationship will definitely grow.
Tip #3: Respect Each Other. It is hard to make passionate love to someone that you don’t find attractive or always put down. You need to give your partner comments on a daily basis such as you look good or you are losing weight. Giving positive reinforcement will better your sex life and help your relationship tremendously. If you’re a guy and your wife worked hours fixing her hair, please NOTICE IT. Please let her know her hair looks amazing. After all she fixed it for YOU!
Tip #4: Have Sex at the Appropriate Times. You can tell right away if your partner is in the mood or not by their actions. The worst thing you can do is try to force your partner or egg them on to have sex. If they don’t want to there is no point in pushing and pushing for it. If you do have sex after the other doesn’t want it, please expect to have terrible sex.
Using these 4 tips will definitely better your sex life and love life. You will be in love more than you could ever possibly be in love. It will feel like you just met your partner and are on your first date. Using the right tips will give you a giddy feeling all over again and you will experience feelings and different sides that you have never ever felt before in your relationship. Finding new ways to please each other will grow your relationship to new heights and new levels. A love game seems to work well to increase your love life also. Using sex toys and love games will take your relationship to new heights and the 4 tips listed in the above article. I wish you the best of luck and I hope this article will help you with your love life!
About the Author
S. Millson is an expert in the area of sexual psychology, techniques, and methods. Millson is well respected for bringing back better sexual enjoyment for both men and women. S. Millson's website, iknowsex.com has a plethora of information regarding how to spice up your sex life and relationship advice.

How to Know If Your Partners Love Towards You is Real - 3 Stunning Tips You Can't Afford to Miss

Trying to figure out whether your mate's love towards you is true or not can require a lot of effort and often a lot of pain. One of the biggest fears most individuals have out there is the fear regarding the feelings of their partner and whether such feelings are true or not. There are some sure shot ways using which you will easily be able to find out whether your mate truly loves you or not. Read on to discover what these ways are and achieve earth shattering results within no time............
Is it unconditional? - This is the very first thing you should consider. Love is something which is unconditional and happens by itself therefore if your mate wants you to do certain things for him/her in return for love then it's more of a compromise than love. There shouldn't be any conditions from either one of the partners.
Is there trust? - When someone loves you they would trust you completely without any questions or doubts. A question you should ask yourself is that does your mate trust you completely without any doubts. Your mate would have complete trust in you and there would be no sense of doubt or misunderstanding when it comes to the matter of trust.
He/she tells you they want to spend the rest of their life with you- Does your mate talk in the long term all the time? Are they ready to commit no matter what their condition might be right now? When your mate truly loves you he/she would not have any doubts with commitment and would be willing to commit instantly no matter what condition they might be in right now.
What you don't know yet- Ever tried to wonder what's in a woman's mind? What is she thinking about? Do you know that women do not always mean what they say? They might say something and mean the exact opposite. But what do women actually want? Do you know there are some secrets women don't want men to know but you absolutely must know these secrets in order to succeed with women? Read on to discover 9 most "Shocking Secrets" women don't want men to know. This is something you can't afford to miss at any cost click here- Tell Me The Secrets

Advice For Finding Lost Feelings of Love: 5 Tips

Even after the love that your relationship once knew has faded, there always remains hope that it can be rekindled. In the present moment, the lost feelings of love may be all that are left: faint reminders of the burning passion and joy that once existed between the two of you. Those feelings still exist somewhere deep inside you, but you may also find that they seem to have a real, material existence “out there” somewhere. And, you may suspect that your lover (or ex) shares your hidden hope that the love you once shared can be revived.

If you feel the need to rekindle your lost feelings of love, try these 5 tips for finding and nurturing those feelings again:

Tip #1: Ask yourself whether there are any insurmountable barriers to your love:

If there is to be any hope that you can breathe life back into your love, you must first be totally honest with yourself. Namely, is there anything that is permanently standing between you and a revived relationship with him or her? For example, if you feel you can never trust or respect your partner or ex-partner again because of something they did, your love may not be salvageable. Trust and respect are two cornerstones in the foundation of any healthy relationship.

Tip #2: Make sure you still find him or her physically attractive:

Do you - or could you - still find your lover physically attractive? Let’s face it: most of us will agree that there is more to personal attraction than just good looks, and most successful relationships require a strong physical attraction between the partners. You may feel like your partner has not been taking care of himself or herself in terms of their body weight, skin, hair or clothing. But, before you get too critical of them, make sure that you take a good look at yourself, as well. Often, couples tend to follow each others’ cues in terms of how much attention they put into their own appearance. Making yourself look and feel your best may influence your partner to do the same.

Tip #3: Think of the things that bother you most about the person (and then forget them!):

Think back to the time the two of you started dating: you probably saw your lover as pretty much flawless, and you treated them as such. They could do no wrong, or so it seemed. Then, over time, little imperfections that you never noticed probably started to pop up, right? More recently, as the feelings of love between you started to fade, it is likely those imperfections started to stick out like a sore thumb and you couldn’t help but notice them. What to do about these bothersome traits? Unless those traits cause you to actually respect or trust the person less (see Tip #1), you just need to do one thing: forget those traits and move on.

Tip #4: Focus on what you can create together for the future:

As corny as it sounds, and I am sure you have heard every motivational speaker and inspirational talk show guest say the following already, but here goes: the past does not equal the future. The future is unwritten. The future is yours to create. (Okay, you get it!). One of the traps that couples who are trying to make a go of it again fall into is that they immediately dive into their trying to fix their old problems. Hint: instead, put your energy into focusing on what the two of your can control: your future.

Tip #5: Start by telling him or her something that you appreciate about them:

We all like to hear good things about ourselves from those we care about. Are we smart? Do we have great hair? Pretty eyes? Are we accomplished in the career world? Do we have a special skill? We love to hear about those things that make us special. If you truly intend to make it work with your lover or your ex, take the time to regularly remind him or her of all of those things about them that fill you with admiration, awe, or that warm, tingly feeling that comes with physical attraction.

Finding your lost feelings of love for your current or ex boyfriend, girlfriend, fling, or spouse does not need to be a challenge. Follow these tips and make the journey back to love one filled with warmth, promise, and a focus on better things to come.

About the Author
Do you agree that your love is worth fighting for? Read my reviews of three proven relationship resources designed to get that special person back into your arms at: In-Your-Arms-Again.com